It's official

My cycle has officially started. .75 pill of dex consumed. 10 units of lupron injected.

In a way, it is seems kind of surreal. I've done such a good job of compartmentalizing the last few months and just getting done what needs to get done, that I can't believe the day is finally here. There are a few benefits of having gone down this path so many times before. For example, instead of being freaked out you have to give yourself a shot, you look at it and think, that's it? It's such a small needle and a small amount of meds, let me go double check everything. I look at the calendar and think of how easy it is for both the donor and myself. When your only doing half the prep work, it is really a lot less. It almost seems too easy breezy, which is why I have copies of the calendar spread throughout the house to remind me that I'm cycling and so I can make sure I'm not forgetting things/doing the proper amounts on the proper days.

Another way the whole process is a bit easier, is because I do have a child already. I don't want to say or imply in any way that secondary infertility is not difficult or emotional or anything like that, because I think from the emotional aspects, not being able to conceive another child when you want to it is the same regardless. When you get that negative, it stings just as much, if not more. I can't say what it feels like to get a positive as I haven't been there, unless you count that m/c which was years ago now, but I sure hope to know what that feels like soon. However, I think the part that is a bit easier is that having a child can be all consuming so I find all the waiting a bit easier as there is so much to do, to occupy my time, to lift my spirits, to keep me distracted.

As the cycle "officially" starts, of course, of course, I'm hoping and praying and wishing it works. Going DE takes things to a whole new level financially and emotionally, if not physically. But, I'm also realistic to know that it isn't a shoe in. The odds aren't 100% and I'm decreasing my odds significantly by only planning to transfer one. It will be hard to stick with that decision under the gun, but I know it is the right decision for me in the long run. It may mean this cycle doesn't work. I realize that and I'll be upset, for sure. But, I'll be okay as long as there is something to freeze. It may sound trite, but the reality is the cycle will either work or not. I'll either have something to freeze or not. Either way, this is the end of the road for me. Not this fresh, per se, but this retrieval and anything that results from it. There is some peace in that. Actually, a lot of peace for me in that.

Win, loose, or draw. The outcome will be what it will be. And, right now, this minute, I'm content with that. I'm at peace. I feel like I'm doing what I need to be doing for me and my family to either build my family or bring closure to the entire issue. This peace, the feeling of rightness, it has been a long, long time coming.