Subconcious says otherwise

I've really been feeling pretty calm and peaceful about this upcoming cycle. Surprisingly so considering the expense and the fact that this is a firm end of the line for me in my ttc efforts. I've been focusing on other things, busy, getting things done.

Sure, as I've been decorating for Christmas, I've had hopeful thoughts like I hope I'm pregnant when it's time to take this down and I'm faced with the problem of finding someone to help and wondering if there is a way of doing so without telling anyone I'm pregnant and hoping I have to deal with that problem. Or, hoping by next Christmas, I have a 4 month old to celebrate and trying to figure out how to get all the decorating done being as tired as you are in the beginning and with an older child. Or, wondering, if we can still track down the lady who made Max's (and my mom's) Christmas stocking to match the one my grandmother (mom's mom) knitted for me when I was a a baby since she was in Atlanta and a friend of friend of my sister who moved to NJ two years ago. So, I am thinking about it. It is always there, in the back of my mind.

Still, I was a bit surprised this morning when I woke up dreaming that I had just received a call from the clinic telling me I was canceled because my e2 was 107 (which means I wasn't properly suppressed; it should be under 60). My first thought was about how much that would suck. I'm prepared to loose. I won't be happy, but I'll know that I had to take this path and it is the end of the road that I had to take. I'm not mentally prepared to get canceled for me. I've also (consciously) thought about the fact that I could get canceled because of the donor for some reason, but that's pretty unlikely. She's proven and solid. My second thought, remember I'm still groggy from sleep here (and went to bed late and was woken several times by Max who is sick), was "is that possible? could I get canceled for my e2 being too high?" It is possible to get canceled or delayed, but.....I was consciously so paranoid about not being properly suppressed that I added e2 (along with p4) to my prolacton blood draw a month or so ago a few weeks after I went on BCP's. HA HA HA. Yes, I am laughing at myself here. I guess my conscious mind forgot to tell my subconscious mind that I already worked out this scenario long ago. And, I'm laughing that I know myself well enough that I knew I'd be worried about this so had the lab done ages ago knowing that I already was properly suppressed and since I've staid on active BCP's. I'm good.

Ah, so glad I thought ahead like that and instead of being worried and stressed that the dream had meaning, I can laugh and go back to my relative zen like state about this cycle because I have quantitative data that shows I am properly suppressed.

In other news, I'm glad Max is sleeping in a bit. I hope he turns the corner and is feeling a bit better today. I'm also glad I took him to the ped yesterday morning, because the medicine* really helped. He still woke up coughing a few times, but not that awful bark like cough and difficulty breathing thing. "I want my mommy" was a familiar phrase yesterday and last night. He was so lethargic and sickly yesterday that even the neighbors were commenting on it. He wanted to "walk the doggies". But wanted to "bring the big stroller", wanted to get in said stroller, and stayed in it even though not buckled in, for the entire walk. Once I gave him the meds (that after trips to two different pharmacies and a call to the peds office, was determined I was not going to be able to get the liquid as prescribed and I was supposed to grind up and put in applesauce followed by chocolate syrup) mixed in with ice cream (which I KNEW he would eat as opposed to applesauce which I knew he would not eat) he came back to life again.

And, in spite of it all (the morning at the peds, the pharmacy trips, the taking care of a sick child), I got the tree decorated and (lightly) tinseled, and the house completely picked up, the floor vacuumed, and the tree skirt under the tree. The house looks pretty good if I do say so myself. I'm so happy I did it early and we have a long time to enjoy it. And, I'm happy that everything is back together and looking nice (for the moment, remember Max is still sleeping. :) Noemi is coming over with her sons who are visiting from Guatemala so they can meet me and Max and see where she works. I think that is so cute. And, I really wanted things looking nice for the visit so that she can be proud. I knew that if I started the Christmas mess, I'd want to be completely finished before the visit so the pressure to finish was on once I started. I'm glad I did it before the visit instead of after (which was my other option) and that it is done, done, done.

* On the meds, I was surprised when I got home, got back from our walk, and sat down to read up on the med before giving it to Max to see that it was actually Dexamethasone since the ped and the pharmacist were calling it a different name. I had to laugh. What are the odds that in a two person family, both people will be on dex at the same time (although for completely different reasons). Ah, I love me a good irony. I do.