Don’t want to be a grown up today - edited

Shadow. My dear, dear Shadow.

I’m sitting here crying while working/trying to work glad because I don’t have back to back meetings this morning. I don’t know what to do. Or, rather, I think I do know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.

My Shadow is 16 now and has been struggling more and more lately. I have towels and rugs all over the tile floor because she has been slipping and not able to walk on them. She still loves to go on her twice a day walks. She knows when I start getting ready and gets so excited. At least 4 – 5 days a week, we go to a park and while it is hard for her to get in and out of the car she is so happy and starts barking in joy when we get there. She is so happy to go. She does get tired and sit and rest as needed. It is actually easier on us all when we go to a park because I can let her off-leash and she and Max can go at there own pace. When we go around the neighborhood, it is slightly harder because Max has gotten fast and Shadow has slowed down, But still, both are thrilled to go.

This morning Max slept in a bit late after a busy day yesterday and getting to bed a bit late/having a hard time settling. Since it was so late, no time for a trip to the park. As I start pulling things together, Shadow is happy as always following me around ready to go. We start to leave and Max insist on the “car” instead of the stroller so I go back and swap it out and we get ready to go and Shadow just can’t do it. She wants to go, but just can’t physically make it. She’s trying taking little baby steps that just have to be painful. I stop and she stops. I ask her what she wants to do and she lays down. So, I close the gate and start to take just Max and start to cry cause I just can’t leave her. I just do a quick trip around the front yard and back. Now, Max starts crying cause we are headed back, but as soon as I open the gate and go back in. Shadow just lights up and is glad we didn’t go without her.

For the first time ever that I have been in town and not in the hospital or something, we didn’t walk this morning. I feel so darn sad. I also feel a little selfish because I’m not ready to loose her and be a family without a dog. Max just loves her so and is always calling her “Sha” and giving her hugs. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t make it through summer this year. I was hoping she would at least make it to summer. I can’t seem to make myself pick up the phone and call the vet. The thing is that she can still get up and walk around the house. She is lying next to me right now. Her senses are all there (except for her hearing I think). She is alert mentally. Physically, her body is failing her.

God, I don’t know what to do and yet I do but don’t want to do it. And, when I should do it. I don’t think I can do it today. Selfishly, I want to go right now and try to take her for a short walk just down the driveway, maybe a house or two just to see so that if she can do it, I can hold off making this decision. I wish I had a partner right now that loved Shadow as much as I do that I can discuss this. Someone to share the burden and sorrow.

I don’t want to put Shadow down before her time, but how do you know for sure. Max and I love her and she loves us.

Sometimes life just sucks. Lately, it seems like it sucks more often than it should.

I don’t think I can do this today. I’m not ready yet, but soon. I think very, very soon I will have to make this decision that which I don’t want to make.

ETA: I did take a break from work and take Shadow for a little walk*. She was able to do it although slowly and I think it was just long enough without being too long. She was able to stop and sniff wherever she wanted without us having to keep up with Max. Since it is later, it is hotter which is hard on her with her thick black coat, but she did just fine. I’m going to give her lots of extra love over the next few days, take the time to brush her out and giver her more attention that she has gotten lately. I’m glad I don’t have to make the decision today or likely even tomorrow. I know I’ll have to make it soon and whenever it is, I will not be ready.

I’ve also been thinking about getting another dog. I have said that once Shadow goes, I won’t get another dog until Max is older and can care for it and it can be his dog. The thing is, I don’t think I can wait. I never had dogs before Shadow and Lucky, but they have affected my life so. I don’t think I can be a person without a dog in my life now that I have had them in my life. And, I don’t think I want my son growing up without a dog in his life. Forget logic and reason and the fact that my life would be way easier and less complicated. This family needs a dog. One way or another. I’m going to watch Shadow and love her and when the time is right (and I’m hoping I know when that is for both of us), then I’ll make the decisions that have to be made. Thank god I don’t have to make it today.

* One of the reasons that walking Shadow on a regular basis is so important…other than the use it or lose it theory... is that she will (almost) only go #2 when on walks. She will pee in the yard, but mostly only when I walk her out back and wait. She no longer uses the doggie door at all and waits for me to take her out. I can usually tell because she will get a bit fidgety (without moving or getting up) and she will follow me out and relieve herself. It isn’t that she couldn’t go in the backyard, it is just that the motion of walking seems to get things moving for her. I guess if we waited long enough, eventually she would go out to poo, but with regular walking it has never been an issue. My poor Shadow. I hate to see her struggle so, but she does still have joy and a decent quality of life and plenty of love from her family.