The Odds

I’ve been trying not to think of them. I’m just hoping there is another miracle baby or two in me. There is a 25% chance the scar tissue that was holding down my small intestines will return and even less than (way less than) 5% chance I will ever conceive again (with my own eggs). How are those for odds?

I talked to a good friend the other day that also has low Inhibin B. Hers is 35. Mine is 7. It should be over 40 – 45. She and I see the same RE. In her post cycle consult (unfortunately, it was a failed cycle), our RE told her that follicles that are producing good quality eggs produce Inhibin B. Low Inhibin B is also of poor egg quality as well as low ovarian reserve. Great! Just great! Shit!!!

Really, the odds aren’t good. Really, they are bad. Quite, quite bad.

When I was talking to another friend about the Inhibin B stuff and egg quality, she commented on how my hormones tend to run on their own scale. I had to laugh because she is so right. The reality is that my Inhibin B had to suck as badly on the cycle I conceived Max as it does now. That’s the only thing that has kept me hoping. I really did always know that Max was a miracle baby. That cycle never ever should have worked. And, that’s what helps keep a small amount of hope alive.

If I have zero response on this cycle after this modified estrogen priming protocol, I think I am going to try two more times before moving on. If I get a low response, I don’t know what I will do or how long I will try. I have 6 vials right now and my donor is very, very, very limited if there is any of him left at all. I haven’t bought more because there really isn’t any point if I have non-functioning ovaries.

Been thinking about “moving on’ and what that means to me.

Doing nothing and having just Max. He is a great kid and so funny, but I just get knots in my stomach and sad when I think about this option. It just feels WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

Adoption. In theory, I have no problem with this, but the thought just makes me tired. It is a new process to learn. More to research. I have no idea how much it costs or where to get started. It feels overwhelming.

Donor egg. It’s expensive, but would at least give Max a half bio sib. It would take the pressure off the timing for a third (probably). It is a process I am familiar, and sadly, comfortable with at this time. I get nervous when I think about the price tag, but then think that I spent $40K for my car (paid off) and over 4 times that for my house (not paid off) and those are just things. I think I can go here if I have to. I just really don’t want to have to.

Anyway, as the cycle gets closer, I’m getting more afraid.

I’m hopeful for all the wrong reasons. It happened once. It happened in December. It happened on my 4th try. And, I’m hoping that it will happen again, in December, on my 4th try for #2.

The odds aren’t good. It should have never happened the first time. It is unlikely it will happen again. When I think of the odds, I get anxious and fearful. I get panicky. God, I hope this works, in spite of the sucky odds.

Three more shots of estrogen. And, as I have reminded myself several times today, it is Sunday, so no shot today. Then, I do 3 cc’s of progesterone the Friday after Thanksgiving and call when I get my period.

Quick Weekend Update – Busy weekend. Lots of running around and errands. SMC get together. Christmas shopping (love that Max is still at an age I can do this with him). Picked up Max’s Halloween Pics. Maybe I’ll get them scanned tomorrow, but maybe not. A lot to do at work this week. Only one week left of work, then I’m pretending to be a SAHM for two weeks.

Oh, yeah, been feeling “crampy”, like I’m going to get my period, but haven’t even started spotting. Have thought that maybe this is when I normally would have gotten my period, but haven’t pulled out the calendar to verify.

I had to laugh. I talked to my nurse coordinator last week to confirm the timing and dosage of the progesterone shot and she made some comment about if I had a great response converting from IUI to IVF. Yeah, right. I told her that it just isn’t going to happen. I just want two, maybe three follicles. I wouldn’t be thrilled, but would even take one lone follicle. I’m just hoping and praying for more than zero.

Fuck the odds. Odds are just odds. That’s what I keep telling myself.* It can work, IF my ovaries do something. If they give me something to work with. I’m going to be really upset if I get another zero response cycle. With no response, there is zero chance. With a poor response, there is at least a small chance.

*Yeah, I know that odds are odds for a reason and statistically speaking what they mean and all, but this is a self pep talk. Plus, Max is living proof that sometimes odds are just odds.