Cycle Day 1

I started spotting late last night and got my period this morning. And, so starts another cycle. And, I have never felt less like cycling.

I called this morning to schedule my appointment for tomorrow, but the office is going to be closed for the weekend so they wanted me to come in today. I wasn’t prepared and had to scramble at the last minute to find someone to watch Max all before his mommy and me class this morning.

The appointment went fine. I cried on the way there and on and off during the visit. Going to the office today was one of the hardest and most emotional things I have done in a long while; all this on top of feeling cruddy and crampy and bloated.; all this on top of not sleeping well the last few nights and not having a chance to rest let alone nap today.

I won’t even tell you the state the house is in – bad. The floor really needs to be vacuumed and moped. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Stims and dex start tomorrow. Next appointment is Wednesday.

There is going to be a service for Dr. N on Saturday morning that I’m going to go to with a few other friends. There was a chance for us to submit a tribute and here is what I submitted.

Dr. N was the only RE I ever had and the only RE I ever wanted. He touched me in so many ways, both big and small. His compassion and understanding were phenomenal. Over the 3+ years I was his patient, he gifted me with a free education, patiently answering question after question after question, in person and in emails. This caused him to laugh one day and comment that I now knew more than several RE’s he knew. Doubtful I am sure, but if I came even close it was only because he was such a good teacher. I will never ever forget sitting in his office for a consult on the day I came in for pregnancy test; I was so sure it was another failed cycle that I was ready to plan for the next cycle. Most RE’s would make you wait until an official negative, but he didn’t put me off, knowing that I needed that plan for the future before getting another disappointment. And I remember vividly, several hours later, the genuine joy in his voice when he called to congratulate me on my pregnancy, which resulted in my son, Max. My miracle baby is the biggest legacy that Dr. N gave me. I cherish the picture of Dr. P, Dr. N, Max, and me in the hospital that was taken the day after my son was born; it sits on our piano and is held often as I tell my son his birth story about how Dr. N helped momma conceive him and Dr. P helped deliver him. He will always be a part of our family story. However, it was really in the harder times, after my miscarriages, after my cancelled IVF cycles, after my surgeries, after the tests and procedures that really showed the fabric and character of Dr. N, whose strength and support allowed me dust myself off and come back another day to try again. He never gave up hope. He never gave up on me. It is that which I hold dear: the cumulative sum that had me leaving each visit happier than I came in, even though the news was usually less then stellar, and the many emails, of course. Dr. N was so humble that it seemed he thought that he was only doing his job, but he was doing so much more; he was fundamental in helping me create my family. We talked once about how he wasn’t just going to get me pregnant, but how he was going to help me have a child, and he did. It was that fundamental difference that stood out. His care reflected that as we kept in touch during my pregnancy whether it was advice on whether to have an amnio (ultimately, I declined) or just a general update. After the birth of my son, he was genuinely happy (as opposed to placating a proud momma) to see my son grow and reach new milestones. Most recently, Dr. N has been helping me try to build the family he helped create. He will never be forgotten by me and the family that he helped create.