The Secret Cycle That Wasn’t

8/15/06
The thing about cycling is that no matter how hard and emotional they are, they can be addictive. I have been thinking about cycling this month since I got my negative beta on Friday. I had planned to do a clomid cycle after this cycle if it didn’t work, but then backed away from that deciding to take a break. The logical thing to do would be to take a break. I have done 3 cycles in a row trying for #2 (neg, m/c, neg.). This has taken its toll and I am tired. I only have 2 vials of sperm left and it would be better to use it on a higher odds cycle. Plus, I was almost certain that I have a cyst left over from last cycle.

Usually, I am a very decisive person and always have plans in place. I have just been having a really hard time with this one. Not cycling just doesn’t feel right even though it would probably be best. So, I had a baseline u/s today. My first words to my RE was, yes, I am here, but I still haven’t decided to cycle this month. He did the u/s and I do have a cyst left over from last month, but it is a small one. We talked and decided on a protocol from next month (Letrozol and Repronex) and that if I do decide to cycle this month it will be a no stim cycle, but with some monitoring, probably a trigger shot, and progesterone. Dr. N and I agreed that some stims do help me in terms of egg quality and getting a few more follicles recruited and do increase my odds 5 – 10% per cycle. And, that this month after the cancelled and the cyst, skipping stims makes sense. As I told Dr. N, there are so many reasons not to cycle this month and to take a rest and only one reason to cycle. The odds of me conceiving without cycling are zero. The odds for this cycle are better than that.

I didn’t make any appointments for follow up when I left, but I thought long and hard about it on the way home. The thought of cycling makes me happy and feels right and the thought of not cycling makes me feel sad and feels wrong. I felt happier than I have in awhile with a tentative decision to cycle.

The decision is tentative because I want to make sure that I can procure more sperm before I actually do it. I have a call into the sperm bank to pre-purchase 4 more vials with a request to reserve 4 more vials for next month. And, I may join the donor sibling registry to see how many vials the one person listed under my donor has and at what price she is willing to sell them. Assuming I can purchase at least 4 more vials of my donor, I will likely cycle this month.

I decided to keep this cycle a complete secret for a few reasons.

One of which is that I am a bit embarrassed to even admit to cycling this month because it is so irrational and illogical. It just doesn’t make sense with the decreased odds, the expense, and wasting a vial of sperm for the odds and with conditions not being right. The logical and best decision would be to take a break.

Two of which is that I just don’t feel like talking about it. It will take more energy than I think I have right now. I have Max’s Birthday this week; his party this weekend, which my cousin and family are coming in town to help celebrate; hosting an SMC party on the 26th; and likely my cousin and her family will be coming back for labor day weekend. I want to focus on that without cycling being the main event. Plus, usually, most of my local friends know when I cycle and I have been giving none of the details and even out and out lied to my family about not cycling. With Max’s party, the two groups will meet and it will be less likely to come up.

Three of which I know two people locally who are doing and IVF cycle this month and I am very close to one of those individuals. I don’t want to steal either of their thunder. And, another good friend had a lap last week and got news that was less than stellar. She is having to make reproductive choices based on financial limitations as many of us do, but it just sucks.

So, I decided to keep a personal journal for me to record this secret cycle that I still may not do and post the outcome at the end.

8/24/06
I had another u/s today and finally decided to let this cycle go. I have waffled back and forth all month on whether to do a low odd no stim cycle or not. I had good intentions and thought often of getting back to this dilemma, but it just didn’t work out that way.

Today is cd 14. I had finally decided over the weekend NOT to cycle, but woke up Monday sad and anxious over that decision. Tuesday I decided to OPK and got what I think was a surge yesterday after obsessively testing every 3 – 6 hours. A surge yesterday would have made timing for an IUI this afternoon pretty good, but decided not to do it. There was only one follicle on my left, of course, and Dr. N had a hard time finding it It was only 17 which is small and probably not mature. Truly, it could have just been the cyst from the previous cycle. I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. Also, since my surge was so brief, maybe there wasn’t enough LH for me to really even ovulate. Another worry of mine that I didn’t ask about. Hardly seemed any point. So, Dr. N said he didn’t recommend it and I agreed and that was that. The secret cycle that wasn’t.

I’m still a bit sad about not cycling this month, but know it was the right decision - FINALLY. I kept thinking that I conceived Max on a low odds cycle and that by at least doing an IUI my chances were better than zero. However, in the end, I just couldn’t do it.

This whole experience has confirmed one thing in my mind for me – I am not a natural cycle kind of girl. Give me monitoring, vaginal u/s, blood tests, pills, injections, whatever. As long as we are controlling the environment as much as possible, I think my chances are way better than on an natural cycle where my body produces too much estrogen, not enough progesterone, and apparently not enough LH for a normal surge.

Upward and onward for the next cycle. With no progesterone supplementation, that shouldn’t even be a full two weeks.

Right now, I am just feeling very tired and drained and sad, even though I do finally know I was not meant to cycle this month.

I just want to be pregnant again and deliver another baby already. I don’t want to wait for it to work, I want it to just ‘BE’ and to just ‘BE’ right now. I don’t want to do the process anymore. I just was hoping that round 2 would go easier than round 1. And, it hasn’t. I guess it will all be worth it in the end if/when it eventually does work.