Me

I have been thinking tonight about the many facets of my life that make up me.

There is the side of me that is so happy that I am a mom and just loves my son and being with him. He fulfills me. I have so much fun with him. I just KNOW deep in side that I was meant to be his mom. There is no doubt in my mind that becoming an SMC was the right decision for me and part of my destiny. It just feels so right.

There is the side of me that is a sister/daughter/cousin and I have been so wrapped up in me lately that I have not been very supportive or even involved in their lives right now. It was great to see everyone last weekend at Max’s party, but I was so glad everyone was gone by 11 am Sunday so Max and I could both take a much needed nap.

There is the side of me that is a friend with a better friendship base than I ever remember having in my life that is so happy when things are going well and very sad when things are not going well for my friends. But, I have only really been keeping up with and involved with a small percentage of my friends recently. I am hoping those I haven’t been in close contact with are just as busy and preoccupied as me and that it is a mutual and natural ebb and flow of relationships.

There is the side of me that is an employee who only in the last week or two has realized how depressed and unmotivated and unchallenged I was at work since I returned from maternity leave almost a year ago; how guilty I have felt for being a less than stellar employee. Things have turned around and gotten more interesting recently as we have done some minor tweaking of assignments and I have felt busier and more excited about what I am doing in quite awhile, leaving me less time to blog, search the internet, pay bills, etc but much more fulfilled.

There is the side of me that is a pet owner that feels like I am giving my pets the basics in terms of exercise, food, affection, but not much more. That is sad that Shadow is aging and slowing down, but happy that she is still a part of my life. That is resentful that she is preventing me from taking my morning hikes, but I can’t NOT take her out in the morning since she is so happy to go but just doesn’t have the stamina in her anymore. It would just break her heart and send her to an early grave. And, truth be told, Max is happier with our new routine as well because he gets to get out and push the stroller and play in the play yards. That is happy City Boy has joined our family and the added adventure he adds with Max trying to chase him and his joining our “family” walks when it suits his whim. That he will bridge the gap from not being a dog owner when Shadows time is ultimately up since I will still be a pet owner of a pet with a lot of character and attitude, if not a lot of intelligence. That has mostly come to peace with loosing my Lucky in March, but still misses her something awful sometimes like the other day when Shadow, Max and I were at the park before work and I saw a Frisbee laying in the field because Frisbee’s were Lucky’s all time favorite toy. She loved to play keep away with them and chew the rounded rims to smithereens.

I won’t even talk about the financial side of me. I have spent a lot of money the last few months ttc (about 6K on the last failed IVF cycle alone), replacing the roof on my mom’s house (about 4.5K), and normal life things. Buying 4 more vials of sperm (1.5K) and wishing I could buy the rest of my donor up since he is no longer donating and "extremely" rare as in only about 10 - 15 vials total of him left. I have depleted my savings/financial resources a bit more than I am comfortable with right now. And, there are so many things I want to “do” like take out a few trees, add an addition on the house that are on the back burner for awhile.

There is the “health” side of me that is feeling less than stellar right now. I was loading and editing the pictures of Max’s birthday party the other day. There is one of me holding Max’s cake while everyone sings. I was shocked to see how HUGE and ROUND and FAT I looked. Maybe because I was in a bathing suit and there weren’t the layers to camouflage, it really resonated with me. I mean, I know that I have gained weight since I stopped breastfeeding Max. I know what that number is. I just didn’t realize how bad it LOOKED.


Fat Momma

I am not eating right. Even though I am still walking twice a day, I am not getting nearly enough exercise I need for me like I was when Lucky was here and I was getting a good morning hike in. Under the category of TMI, I have had diarrhea and loose stools since I was in the 2ww of my last cycle. I was having sharp intense pain in my lower right abdomen on and off for about 2 weeks that had me considering going to the ER a few times and did cause me go to an internist, who ordered a CT Scan (which I did this morning although I thought of canceling it since I haven’t had the pain in over a week) and did some labs (which I was told were normal, but not the specifics). I went to the Chiropractor and was completely out of alignment from my foot to my neck. I guess I can understand why my acu wants me to take a few months off and recapture “me” before ttc again. I really don’t think emotionally I am strong enough to do that right now, but am afraid that if I don’t I will just be setting my attempts to conceive up for failure and I will just be setting myself up for more heartache and throwing good money after bad. This part of me is really out of balance and I don’t know how to fix it right now.

There is the side of me that maybe has been more religious and less spiritual than I need to right now. I have found a church I like and have been going to church more regularly if you consider once every few months regular. I have had Max baptized. I seem to talk
“about” God and religion and prayer a lot more. But, I don’t talk “to” god and appreciate the natural beauty and goodness around me nearly as much. I guess I haven’t really thought about it until now, but my morning hike time was when I did most of that.

Then there is the side of me that has been trying to build and grow my family that has me so sad and hurting inside because of the failures over the last few months that seems to always be with me under the surface and that I have to make a conscious effort, sometimes not so successfully, not to let it take control and overshadow the other much happier parts of me and feeds into and deepens the other parts of my life that I am not so happy with making me feel overall a bit broken right now.