“Stay Out Of It”

That has been my motto on and off over the last few days. My niece N, who is 21, moved in with me for a few months.* She has been sharing a small place with a platonic guy friend. It is a one bedroom and he has the bedroom and she sleeps on the couch. They got a place together last year when my sister J basically kicked N out. J and N are very much alike and had conflict and clashes on a regular bases where each complains about qualities in the other that they also have. No problem staying out of that, it has been going on for too long.

When N moved out/was forced out, I was a bit concerned because I thought she was moving in with her boyfriend and didn’t want her to feel trapped or that she had to stay in a bad relationship. So, I called her, told her that I loved her, and that if she needed it, she had a place to stay at my house if the relationship went south. She told me that she was moving in with a male friend, but not her boyfriend (good thing, cause that guy is long gone). I told her I felt better about that situation, but the offer still stood.

I get a call from her about mid week last week asking if she could stop by and talk. She came right over and asked if she could move in until January. I said absolutely, no problem. She stayed over than night and every night since and moved her stuff into storage/clothes here on Saturday. Apparently, the guy she was living with is a heroin addict who started using again and is out of control. N came home on Monday or Tuesday night and the guy was high and covered in blood and she was scared and freaked. She was worried about him as a person and bailing on her “friend” because it is unlikely he will find someone else to move in with him and how he was worried his parents would find out and pull his cash so he would have to drop out of school. Another friend of theirs was going to talk to him and insist he get back to rehab or call his parents and tell them what is going on (think tough love). I explained, which intellectually, she knew, that a person who is high and using drugs is no ones friend, especially their own. We talked about how her mom does come by and in fact is sitting for me on Monday night so she would have to see her/talk to her, if she stayed her. This is an important point since they haven’t been talking/seeing each other for a few weeks. I hear from each that the other is too negative and “toxic” N had no problem with that after all, she “is” her mother and can deal with that, but she didn’t want her to know about the drugs. She didn’t want her mom to worry.

I get a call from J basically trashing her daughter and saying she can’t believe she left this guy high and dry and she needs to grow up and what is her problem. She is happy she has someone to turn to (me), because that is what family is for. And, how probably it is good that it is me, because of anyone, I wouldn’t get sucked into N’s drama and manipulation, etc. and on and on. This is the same sister that when I told my family I was going to ttc trashed me to my face for several hours one night telling me how wrong I was for doing this and how I should “find a man”; “loose weight”. How I would damage this child forever because I would foster all of my “issues” on my yet unborn child and therefore should seek counseling. Since Max has been born, she has actually been the biggest help of anyone in my family. Last week when I had that unexpected night in the hospital after the surgery, she went right over to my house to relieve Max’s nanny and did “morning duty” until Noemi returned while my cousin got me settled in a room. Anyway, sorry about that, got a bit sidetracked. Just wanted to point out that my sister is not inherently evil, but she can be opinionated and try to force her opinions on another no matter how wrong they are for that person. Having set the stage a bit, I wasn’t sure if it was a complement or not when J said that of anyone she knew, I wouldn’t put up with N’s shit and she couldn’t manipulate me. I so much wanted to butt in and tell her to lighten up on her daughter and give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her if she would rather live with a heroin addict who was out of control. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to, but I honored N’s wishes and only told her that N didn’t leave her roommate high and dry that she had paid him November rent. J went off all over again saying how they were in a lease that went until February and he couldn’t find anyone mid-term and so on and so forth. All I could think was, Deb “stay out of, nothing good will come of you opening your mouth, stay out of it, not your problem, you can not heal the bad blood between these two, stay out of it.”

And, so I have, but it has been hard. I have not told N to tell her mom the whole truth. I have not told J the full story. I keep telling myself ‘thou shalt not get in the middle of this”,

While having a “roommate” is a PITA and I have vowed from ever having another, I really am glad that I can help N out this way. It maybe almost 20 years now since I was her age, but I remember how hard it was and how scary at times. And, I’m glad that N will get to know Max in a whole new way and get to see him grow for a few months. I think it may be a bond that could last a life time and even if not that it will be good for them both now. N really is a good kid just trying to grow up and become a woman in a place where that isn’t so easy with parent support that is different than I hope to give Max and any future children should I ever be blessed. Sure, she has made some mistakes, but who hasn’t. I sure can’t and never would claim perfection.

I will just stay out of it and not get put in the middle of things. I think it will be difficult at times, but not impossible.

* She is only staying until January because she plans to move from Southern to Northern California at that time. She was going to move sooner, but got a DUI (or is it a DWI) over the summer and needs to finish the repercussion from that first which includes taking a class and attending AA meetings, (and maybe counseling?) all while holding down a full time job as a waitress. Mostly, she does the 6:30 am – 2:30 pm shift and is very happy those whom she is sharing a house with are up even earlier than she is. Although, I am happy to report it is not as early as it has been and Max is back to waking up in the 5 am hour these last few day. Hallelujah! Waking at 5:15 felt truly divine this morning. May this phase last awhile and not get too screwed up with the change in time next week.