All is well

All is well on the home front, just busy. My cousin is in town with her daughter* for the week; saw both my sisters at different times this weekend; my mom was here from Saturday mid-day until today (Monday) mid-day; and my cousin and I went to a “sex party” AKA “love boutique” over the weekend. Yesterday, my cousin took Max and her daughter to a local harvest festival while I cleaned my garage and moved baby/infant toys and clothes from the spare room to the garage. Today, I cleaned my office and paid bills while Niomi watched Max and Carolyn and Terri and my mom shopped. I haven’t quite gotten everything done I wanted (like take Max to the Zoo), but I think Terri is going to take Niomi, Carolyn, and Max tomorrow while I do pre-op stuff. I feel a bit like a bad mom, because I don’t have a lot of passion on being with him on his first trip to the zoo, but do want him to go. I’ll just tell them to take lots of pictures. (smile)

Not worried at all about the surgery itself. Felt a bit panicked this morning that Dr. N was going to tell me that my female parts inside are shriveled up black crap and to give up the t42 thing as another full sibling for Max is out of the questions. I have no clue on what they should look like, but I have vivid visualizations of what could and shouldn’t look like.

I have been thinking a lot about Max and being the mom of a boy. Several times recently, I have just looked at him and felt sure that I am likely a better mom to him than I would have been to the girl I thought and was sure I was having until that 30w peri appointment. Usually, this thought comes to me as I am letting him stomp through and splash in a mud puddle or some other stereotypical “boy” behavior. I grew up with 3 sisters. Four of Max’s five first cousins are female. We were a “girl” family and I was just so sure that would continue with me. It was all I knew. I wasn’t sad or upset when I found out “she” was a “he”. In fact, I laughed in disbelief and didn’t quite believe it until Max was born. Like many people, when I thought of a sibling for Max, I thought it would be nice to have a girl. You know, the whole b/g thing. However, the more Max is in my life, the more I see the beauty of having a son and find myself hoping that if I am able to have another child that it is a brother for Max. It just feels so right and natural and fun and easy. I know how hard and moody girls can be, especially during the teen years. I was prepared for that and if I am blessed to give birth to another child, I will be ecstatic no matter the gender, but a little part of me is calling …just a whisper mind you…for another boy.

I have a friend that has b/g twins. She and her husband were so thrilled that they had one of each. The “complete” ready made family. As she lost her first daughter during PTL; her second daughter after 11 days in the NICU; and her twins were delivered via surrogacy, the thought of having one of each really thrilled both her and her husband. We were having lunch last week and talking about the difference between boys and girls. ** She was commenting on how hard it was to have twins of different genders. Her daughter knows all her alphabet, can count to 20, and knows all of her colors. Her son could care less and is more interested in how the wheels turn on the car, cause and effect, stuff like that. She is a SAHM (who is trying to finish a book on the side that was started before the birth/death of her first daughter) and just signed up to put them in preschool early next year. She had just done and “art” project with them and was lamenting how hard it was because they are so different and trying to fill the needs of both of them because of the differences.

On the other hand, I have another friend who had b/b twins a few weeks before Max. She already had a boy and always wanted a daughter. She ended up with 3 sons. Recently, we were talking about how much easier it is to have all boys and how it will continue to get easier as they grow -- easier and less costly to dress, similar interests, etc. And, a part of her is still sad that she won’t have the mini-me girl of which she always dreamed.

Anyway, like I said, I’ll be thrilled if I am able to have another child. Period. While I thought I was having a girl for my first, I was really fine with either. Now, I look at Max and a part of me, a secret part deep inside, kind of hopes that I can give Max a brother.

When I haven’t been pondering that, I have been worrying a bit about how at even such a young age Max is influenced by his peers and other children. A recent example of this is when he came up last week and “practiced” balancing on one foot. Of course, it took me two days what he was trying to do. But, when I asked Niomi whether kids at the park were doing that, she laughed and said yes. Funny kid my Max. At 14 months, he will practice, practice, practice until he moves on to practice something else be it opening and closing the door; climbing up stairs or on/off a cart; or how to balance on one foot.

I’ve also been worrying a bit about Niomi taking Max in her car. It is time for both of them. I’m not worried about her kidnapping Max, or getting into an accident (even though I insisted her car insurance be increased), or anything like that. She is very, very careful with him. I guess it is just another step towards independence. We got the car seat installed in her car today and are just waiting on confirmation that the insurance changes. She so wanted to go today.

I’ve also been pondering life’s mysteries. Like how my car didn’t start about a month ago after leaving the hatch up for maybe 20 – 30 minutes while loading up to take my mom to the airport (used her car to jump mine and have been keeping the cables in the car just in case); but how it started up just fine last week after I left the hatch up, apparently for almost 24 hours (must have left it up after our walk one day and didn’t realize it until we went to go again the next day) last week in a state of haze when Max got me up in the 4 am hour all week. And, how it has been starting, but turning over slow and how the clocks have reset themselves twice now. And, how I should probably take it into the shop, but I don’t really have the time or the money for a huge repair fee right now. And, how much risk am I assuming by not addressing this issue.

So, life is mostly good. Busy in a good way. I have some worries and some concerns and life isn’t perfect, but all and all. It’s good.

Maybe I should be more worried about the surgery. But, I’m not. I hope I heal fast and can enjoy the rest of my week off. I’ve heard mixed bags on recovery from similar surgeries. I hate being laid up and am hoping I’m up and about quickly. Hey, it is outpatient surgery, right? How bad can it be?

Lastly, I guess I hope I don’t regret not getting my trust/living will together. Maybe it would have been better if I was a tad worried about this because the reality is that any time you are put under anesthesia and have surgery, there is a chance for complications. I’m prepared for minor ones (hence, how happy I am that my cousin is here for the week, just in case), but not major ones like death. I guess I wouldn’t live to regret it since I would be dead, but I really need to get “my house” in order and get things set up. I need to make it more of a priority.

Anyway, it’s late. I’m tired. Tomorrow will be another busy day.

* Max thinks she is the best toy in town and she is having fun with him as well. She's 8 and had a lot of change these last few months (moving from MI to AZ with her mom and dad, but older sibs staying in MI). A win-win.

** She “sees” clearly that I am able to have a second child and that it is a girl. Wish I had the hope and faith that I will be able to have a second.