TESE and other random thoughts on a Sunday night

I have been thinking about TESE, among other things, this weekend. My lack of ovarian response would be a non issue if they had a TESE type procedure for women like they do for men. Right after I invent something to eliminate the 2ww and all the torture that goes with it, I will begin focusing on harvesting of eggs without having to recruit and mature them internally first. Oh wait, I need to fit in the development and marketing of my “black line” first. You know, the black pads, black panties, and black tissue so you don’t have to see the spotting and blood when you don’t want to like m/c or the start of a period on a failed cycle. I am sure any one of these ideas could make some real money if I could figure it out that could be used for many things like financing my baby making efforts and allowing me to be the stay at home mom I would love to be.

I spent most of Max’s nap this morning typing a really, really long email to my RE. It was a busy, but mostly good weekend that included dropping my mom at the airport, attending a 4 year old birthday party and going to our local SMC get together. After about the 3rd or 4th time I burst into tears after people asked how my t42 efforts were going at the SMC party, people stopped asking. :<) I had a good time in spite of my personal drama. These women are my friends and the core of my support group. They are really my only confidents in my ttc efforts. And, they care. In years past, I would have avoided going to such an event after such bad news because it would have been too hard. I didn’t really even consider it this time. We celebrated our 2nd Year Anniversary as a group. In the last two years, I have built some good strong friendships with many of these women. I think they really are some of the best women I have ever met. They “get it” in ways other people never really can.

You know, my life would really suck right now if Max wasn’t a part of it. He really is the light in my life right now. I can’t mope and brood endlessly because I have to see to him and give him the love and attention he deserves.

For the first time this weekend, I regretted weaning Max early. I have nothing to show for the wasted months except more expenses/less money from pricy formula, drugs that did nothing but screw my up physically, and medical procedures. Given the same set of circumstances, I would make the same decision. Hindsight is almost always a wonderful thing.

In a way, I feel like such a smuk for being upset that my t42 efforts are going badly and may never work when so many of my friends have not yet conceived their first child. It makes me feel greedy. On the other hand, secondary infertility is real and my feelings are my feelings.

My drive to have a bigger family is strong. I always, always, always wanted more than one child. Often SMC’s talk about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A was get married, have children together, build a family. Plan B was have child(ren), build a mom and kid family, and be open to the possibility of marriage in the future. Since I started this ttc process several years ago, I have realized that I was never really committed to Plan A like I am to Plan B. Plan A has always felt like a nice to have. Plan B is more like a deep seeded unquenchable quest. It was a must have. Having Max only increases my desire to have more children not detract.

This weekend for the very first time I thought of just stopping and trying to be content with a life with Max as an only child. It feels like the wrong decision. Somehow, someway, I will continue to pursue building my family. I may change my mind at some point in the future, but right now, I affirmed for myself that I am not at the end of my rope yet. I am not ready to give up. I may be down, but I am not yet out.