PTSS?

I have a friend that says I have post traumatic stress syndrome. Although, PTSS doesn't look like quite the right acronym. I know she is right about this. I've read and heard this is common of parents ... of mom's... who have survived a child/children in the NICU. I still can't really look at pictures of the twins from the hospital or think too much about that time other than the abstract.

The further out from the end and as the twins have grown and done better and all of the specialist follow up's have tapered off, the easier it has become.

Until....something happens that takes you back.

We've had a winter of normal kid sick stuff. Colds and coughs. Pink eye. Nothing that had me worried since Thanksgiving week when R had some strider/breathing difficulties, croup, and cough which made me remember the prior Thanksgiving weekend where we spent in the hospital, but with aggressive breathing treatments, it stayed in control. I've been so thankful that we were able to get the flu and H1N1 vacinese and boosters early in the season. Heck, we hasn't even been to the peds so far this year until yesterday when I took N in for pink eye and ear infection.

Last night was a rough night. N only had a short late nap on the way home from the peds. R was coughing and fussy and crying on and off. I thought he may also be getting an ear infection, but no fever. I tried to get them to sleep upright in the stroller, but they were only content there if I was in the room. They wouldn't fall asleep in it. N was in her night time diva mode where any attention, no matter how needed for her twin was ticking her off, which just makes it all more difficult. Finally, probably in complete exhaustion, they settled and we got a bit of sleep. Morning came all too soon and I had Noemi get aggressive with breathing treatments with R since it seemed like his cough was getting worse. By about 2 pm, I have Noemi do yet another treatment while I call the peds because he was getting worse. He was really struggling to breath and pulling and was just wanting to be held and lethargic. Peds said bypass them and go to ER.

I'm crying. Just like that. I'm back to the early trauma. Noemi's crying. And, we pack up and off we go. On the way, trying not to loose it and calling to get some plans in place in case he gets admitted. By the time I get there, thankfully, he was breathing much better. Finally the treatments started to kick in. Since we were there, I decided to go in and check in, but as we waited, he continued to improve. Net result is, I told them we were leaving, got home, gave him another treatment, and put them all to bed. My neighbor came down to help, watch the twins while I ran to the drugstore (because as luck would have it we were out of Albuteral and no way was I going into the night without having that on hand) and is such an sweety just called to say she had her clothes all set out and could be here in 2 minutes if problems should arise in the middle of the night.

Haven't heard a peep from the twins sent they went to bed. Not a cough. Sleeping solid, sound, and peaceful.

I'm so happy that we got it under control and we are all sleeping at home. And, praying it stays that way.

If I hadn't had to live it and seen it, one could think that I over reacted, but I have too much history and know better. Watching your kid not be able to catch a breath is not something you forget. Trust me on this.

Just another reminder of how fragile life is and the rocky beginning the twins had. I could have lived without it.