Fears and Complaints - Edited

Before I bought the mini van, I asked a friend what she thought my biggest fear of purchasing the van was. Without hesitation, she said, that I'd buy the car and then one or both babies would die and I'd be stuck with a van I didn't need. Ah, how she knows me well. She didn't have to think or hesitate and responded with such confidence and she was so right. I'm sure it helped that she's had her own set of fertility issues and knows what a total mind fuck the whole thing can be and how the scars are there, sometimes hidden, even long after most would think you are or should be past it all.

I'm almost 27 weeks, solidly into the viability stage by now. You'd think my fears would start decreasing. Instead, I'm to the point that I really do need to acknowledge and start preparing for pending arrival. There is just too much that must get done.

In the last week, I've bought a new car; talked to Noemi about staying and longer hours and details, started clearing what will be the twins room, and set a date for the baby shower. Going off on a quick shower tangent...even though I've insisted it isn't done for a second child I've been vetoed by several friends who insist it isn't tacky and as a single mother expecting twins I just need to suck it up because people want to do this for me so July 20th? it is. If your reading this and know me IRL, your invited (let me know if you don't get an invitation at some point probably weeks and weeks and weeks or maybe even a month or two from now) so mark the date, but don't worry no offense taken if you can't or don't want to attend because I can't understand why people willingly go to this sort of thing. I'm going to insist that a note saying gifts optional and well used items appreciated (or something to that affect) is included with the invite. Anyway, I pictured the friend giving me the shower just rolling her eyes when I suggested the date, because I'll be 34 weeks by then, which I know without her even telling me that she thinks is far too late, especially for a twin pregnancy, but she also knows me well and that my paranoia runs deep.

Where was I? Oh yes, all these concrete plans that are making me anxious and feeding my (probably irrational) fears. To that end, I haven't been feeling the babies move as much and I've woken several times in the last week sleeping flat on my back which is a huge no-no.

The rational me understands that the lessened movement is because they change positions and in certain positions I just don't feel movement. In fact, I really didn't feel much movement from Max almost my entire pregnancy and feel considerably more movement in the twins than I ever did with Max. On the other hand, I do still feel some movement at least some of the time. In fact, on Sunday after church and the furniture being picked up, I felt so miserable and crampy that I was seriously wondering if I was going into PTL and having contractions (and would have called the on-call OB and probably asked to go in for monitoring if this was my first pregnancy), but decided to just see how things went and ultimately concluded that I was not having contractions just so much movement from both twins who were in really painful locations. They moved again later that day and things went back to barely feeling movement again.

I remind myself that with Max I also ended up sleeping on my back at times while unconscious and that it likely has not done any harm and to just do my best and try not to worry about it.

In general, I've been feeling pretty huge and sore and wondering how physically I'm going to make it through the next few months and then worry I'm not. When I get up from sitting or especially laying down for awhile, I can barely walk. I have so much pelvic pressure not only do I waddle I feel like I'm walking with a bowling ball between my legs (which tells me that the boy is probably head or butt down right down there). Not only is it hard to be up and on my feet for long, I'm afraid that it will cause him to fall right out and have to remind myself that really, most of the time, it doesn't work that way. It's hard to sleep for long because my arms and hands end up going numb and my hips really start to hurt, which is why I'm sure I keep ending up on my back. The heartburn is coming back and I'm sure it is because that girl is placed just so causing pressure on the stomach and bladder. I won't even mention the huge hemorrhoid issue going on. In general, I've felt pretty darn crappy most of this pregnancy. The complaints now are very different from the 1st tri crappiness, but physically this pregnancy has and is taking a toll. I try not to complain or speak of it too much because really what it the point, it isn't going to change anything and really it will all be worth it if it works out and I know how privileged I am to be pregnant at all so who am I to complain. Then, I get worried and even a bit pissed off thinking about how angry I'm going to be after having gone through all of this to have it not ultimately work in the end. That I'm not going to get the payout, the reward, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

And, so goes the fears, paranoia, and circular thinking of someone who has been on the ttc path for so long and knows all too well how that even though the odds are in my favor at this point, it isn't a done deal. I wish I could let go and give up the mental fears since I can't do anything about the physical aspects except deal with them as best I can. Even if I don't talk about them much, the fears are there and taking up more space than I would like as I try to make much needed plans for pending arrivals before I flat run out of time.

Probably this makes no sense to someone who hasn't BTDT and all too much sense to someone who has. Logically, intellectually, and applying general common sense, I understand that buying a car, general preparation, physical symptoms or lack there of (mostly) don't have anything to do with the actual outcome. It really hasn't bothered me much because I have been able to live in denial and day by day minute by minute, but my time is running out and I really must make forward progress on things, but it is hard for me and makes me really anxious. It isn't logical. I understand this. Logic doesn't have anything to do with it. It's all about the fear...real and imagined, valid and invalid, logical or not.

ETA: Apparently, said baby shower is on Saturday, July 19th, not Sunday the 20th per the early phone call from my friend hosting for me asking me if I had changed my mind after reading the blog. No, just going from (bad) memory cause I was too lazy to go look at the calendar.