Vacation Day 1. Yahoo!! Great to have no work. I didn’t accomplish much. Have I mentioned how much more productive I was before I had a kid? It’s true. Could be that the kid doesn’t sleep. Really. I don’t sleep much and he sleeps only slightly more than me and he is only 4 months old for crying out loud. I should probably disclose up front that I opened a bottle of wine a few hours ago and am well into it. I was a bit tipsy after a glass. I am about half a bottle down right now. I think I may be on my way to getting drunk. What a light weight I have become.
Said kid just woke up. He fell asleep while I was talking on the phone and sipping a bit of vino. Put him to bed and before I got one paragraph typed he was calling. Good thing I love the kid so much. LOL. He only slept 25 min. all day today. It’s no wonder I never get anything done anymore. He is big enough that he can lie on the Kushie’s pillow and eat while I have 2 hands free to type. Can’t reach the wine glass at the moment, but that is probably a good thing.
Today, I accomplished 2 things. And, Naomi was here for most of the day, I wrapped Christmas presents and treated myself to a massage. That’s it. That’s all I got done. If you don’t count walking the dogs twice, feeding my kid on demand (Naomi did give a bottle while I was laying naked on the table two towns away), talking on the phone, and making goo goo eyes to my little guy. One should get more done on a vacation day with paid help. Maybe, but not me.
Said guy is now done eating. Very tired. Wants love and attention. Got to go. Good thing I have my whit’s about me. Ha ha.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Birth Announcements Ordered
It only took me 17 weeks and 1 day, but I have finally gotten around to ordering birth announcements. I used this picture.
And the following text….
Joyfully announcing the birth of my son
Max Alexander
August 17th, 2005
8 pounds 21 inches
Wishing you a New Year of peace and happiness!
I asked to have the envelopes sent early so I can maybe get them addressed and stamped before the order is actually ready.
And the following text….
Joyfully announcing the birth of my son
Max Alexander
August 17th, 2005
8 pounds 21 inches
Wishing you a New Year of peace and happiness!
I asked to have the envelopes sent early so I can maybe get them addressed and stamped before the order is actually ready.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Vacation Yet?
I am having such a hard time focusing at work. I just want to be on vacation already. Yesterday. Yesterday really wasn’t that great of a day. I actually did okay with the lack of sleep, but it seemed like there was one problem after another. On our morning walk, Max started getting fussy so I turned around before I normally would. It wasn’t soon enough and he cried and screamed all the way down the hill. I took him out of the Baby Bjorn, which helped at first. Who knows what the problem was. It could have been too cold. It could have been that he was hungry. It could be that he just doesn’t like that trail. It is the only one that he has ever really gotten fussy on. I thought it would be nice to feed him on the park bench instead of in the car until dogs started approaching and Lucky and Shadow went into protector mode. I saw what was about to/could happen and got us all packed up before hand. Then, I went to start work and had computer problems. I was able to avoid sending the laptop off to be completely re-imaged, but it was a real pain. In the mist of all this, I sent a note off to my team on a number of topics and said “Happy Friday” in it. Unfortunately, yesterday was only Tuesday. They probably all think I am a total idiot. Strangely enough, no one said anything about it. I mentioned it to our administrative assistant. She said that she just thought it was a joke that she didn’t get. Sigh. LOL.
In other news, I remember the three other blog entries that I haven’t gotten written.
8) Contradictions and Hypocrisy - Where I talk about how I don’t really agree with organized religion, but have baptized Max and attended church last week and plan to raise him Catholic like I was raised, even though I have some major issues with the religion and organized religion in general.. How I don’t think that any one religion is “the” answer. How many times people who are devote are also “righteous” and since they are so right everyone who doesn’t think, believe, and act like them are wrong. I probably wouldn’t be able stop throwing in some snide comments about politics and our political leaders. I am not sure how else to raise Max with morals and a good foundation of right and wrong. Yet, I feel like such a hypocrite. As he gets older, I will talk with him about all of this and expose him to other religions and hopefully give him a foundation so that he can decide for himself. I would also talk about (in my blog entry that is likely to never be written, not necessarily to Max) the other contradiction where I don’t think I could ever marry someone who wasn’t Christian (doesn’t have to be Catholic) even though I don’t think it is the answer and think other religions are just as valid. Oddly enough, every donor that was interested in and the one I ultimately selected was Catholic. I am having a hard time justifying the contradictions and hypocrisy in myself right now. I showed up to church in my hiking boots and in my sweats on the way back from our morning excursion, leaving the dogs in the car. I figured it was the only way it was going to happen since going home first and showering/changing/etc. and going back out hadn’t worked the previous week.
9) Baby Antics - Where I tell you all about the silly, goofy things I do with Max. My cousin commented on how well I had done in making up songs and rhymes and entertainment for Max. Yeah, well, I can’t remember the words or tunes to any of the “real” stuff. Anyway, a lot of that is morbid when you think about it. Come on….”Rock a bye Baby” the cradle falls. “Ba Ba Blacksheep” the wool is going to a master. Not a nice uplifting message I want to pass on to Max. Maybe it is just me. My cousin looked at me odd when I pointed this out. She thinks I am depriving him. Instead, Max gets the “I love Max” song; the “I’m your mamma” song; the “Bouncy, Bouncy Walk” song, where I talk about all we see, the seasons, the weather, and nature. He is fond of the “Kisses and Smooches” game where mamma kisses his tummy, his cheek, his ear, his foot, etc. Who knew I could be such a grade A dork? But, my kid loves it. For now. I am sure I will be a total embarrassment soon. LOL.
10) My favorite song - Where I tell you about my favorite song…John Michael Montgomery’s “Life’s a Dance”. Have you ever heard this? I’ve loved it for years and listen to the CD when talking a bath. Max now loves it as well. I don’t think Max ever took a bath without that as background music until we were in Michigan for Thanksgiving. LOL. Worth a listen sometime. In my mind, words to live by. In the blog written in my mind, I find John Michaels Montgomery’s official web page with a link to where you can actually listen to the song and post the lyrics.
My mom is out doing Christmas shopping for me. Max is practicing his “voice” on the other side of the house. Naomi (as I recently found how she really spells her name and that I have been wrong) is hard at work taking care of Max and cleaning the house. And, I am avoiding work. I should be feeling more guilty than I am right now. Really, I will be focused in January. Right now, I am just ready to be on vacation. No big plans. Wrap presents. Meet up with a few friends. Maybe go see a movie. Max has his 4 mo. appointment (and I have a lot of questions for the dr.). And, of course, Christmas and New Years. I can’t wait.
In other news, I remember the three other blog entries that I haven’t gotten written.
8) Contradictions and Hypocrisy - Where I talk about how I don’t really agree with organized religion, but have baptized Max and attended church last week and plan to raise him Catholic like I was raised, even though I have some major issues with the religion and organized religion in general.. How I don’t think that any one religion is “the” answer. How many times people who are devote are also “righteous” and since they are so right everyone who doesn’t think, believe, and act like them are wrong. I probably wouldn’t be able stop throwing in some snide comments about politics and our political leaders. I am not sure how else to raise Max with morals and a good foundation of right and wrong. Yet, I feel like such a hypocrite. As he gets older, I will talk with him about all of this and expose him to other religions and hopefully give him a foundation so that he can decide for himself. I would also talk about (in my blog entry that is likely to never be written, not necessarily to Max) the other contradiction where I don’t think I could ever marry someone who wasn’t Christian (doesn’t have to be Catholic) even though I don’t think it is the answer and think other religions are just as valid. Oddly enough, every donor that was interested in and the one I ultimately selected was Catholic. I am having a hard time justifying the contradictions and hypocrisy in myself right now. I showed up to church in my hiking boots and in my sweats on the way back from our morning excursion, leaving the dogs in the car. I figured it was the only way it was going to happen since going home first and showering/changing/etc. and going back out hadn’t worked the previous week.
9) Baby Antics - Where I tell you all about the silly, goofy things I do with Max. My cousin commented on how well I had done in making up songs and rhymes and entertainment for Max. Yeah, well, I can’t remember the words or tunes to any of the “real” stuff. Anyway, a lot of that is morbid when you think about it. Come on….”Rock a bye Baby” the cradle falls. “Ba Ba Blacksheep” the wool is going to a master. Not a nice uplifting message I want to pass on to Max. Maybe it is just me. My cousin looked at me odd when I pointed this out. She thinks I am depriving him. Instead, Max gets the “I love Max” song; the “I’m your mamma” song; the “Bouncy, Bouncy Walk” song, where I talk about all we see, the seasons, the weather, and nature. He is fond of the “Kisses and Smooches” game where mamma kisses his tummy, his cheek, his ear, his foot, etc. Who knew I could be such a grade A dork? But, my kid loves it. For now. I am sure I will be a total embarrassment soon. LOL.
10) My favorite song - Where I tell you about my favorite song…John Michael Montgomery’s “Life’s a Dance”. Have you ever heard this? I’ve loved it for years and listen to the CD when talking a bath. Max now loves it as well. I don’t think Max ever took a bath without that as background music until we were in Michigan for Thanksgiving. LOL. Worth a listen sometime. In my mind, words to live by. In the blog written in my mind, I find John Michaels Montgomery’s official web page with a link to where you can actually listen to the song and post the lyrics.
My mom is out doing Christmas shopping for me. Max is practicing his “voice” on the other side of the house. Naomi (as I recently found how she really spells her name and that I have been wrong) is hard at work taking care of Max and cleaning the house. And, I am avoiding work. I should be feeling more guilty than I am right now. Really, I will be focused in January. Right now, I am just ready to be on vacation. No big plans. Wrap presents. Meet up with a few friends. Maybe go see a movie. Max has his 4 mo. appointment (and I have a lot of questions for the dr.). And, of course, Christmas and New Years. I can’t wait.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Where does the time go?
I can’t believe how long it has been since I posted. I’m up because Max pee’d through, as I discovered when he started stirring for his 4 am feeding. He could care less about being wet. All he wanted was food. But, his mamma couldn’t let him go back down like that so he needed a full change – diaper, undershirt, 2 layers of p.j’s, sheet in the co-sleeper. He was awake after all of that, but another round on the other boob in a dark room lulled him off. His mamma, she wasn’t so lucky and tossed and turned and realized after 45 min. that she may as well get up since it was clear she was not going to get more sleep anytime soon.
And, here I am.
I have probably written 10 blog posts in my mind. Yes, only in my mind, with no time to actually get them out. Here is what you could have read, if only, there was time to actually write them.
1) Succession Planning….Where I go on and on about how I want things to work if I die. Yes, still don’t have a will, let alone a living will put in place. Still on the list. I want to set up an investment account for Max. However, because of the tax consequences, I need to/should have some of this set up and in place before I do that. I must move this up on the list because I am loosing out on compounded interest and capital gains while the money sits in a cookie jar. I talk endlessly about why I don’t want my mom or any of my sisters to have Max. Why half of the few people I have talked to about this topic berate me because my current first two people who I want to give the first right of refusal if I keel over are not family. How I talk about how I would like to ask my cousin Ana (who is as good of friends to my sister Cindy as I am to her sister/my cousin Terri) and her husband to be third. How this would break my cousin Terri’s heart and could I get away with this without saying anything and leaving everyone to deal with the written word without having the conversations because after all, I’d be dead. One day, I really am going to get this all out.
2) Acupuncture Testimonial…..Where I post the testimonial I finally got written for Denise, my acupuncturist. This one should be easy since it is already written. Although, may require some edits since I haven’t heard back from her on it and not sure it really was what she was looking for.
3) My life – The comedy…..Where I talk about how Max on Saturday night would fall asleep in my arms and every time I went to put him down, he would wake up and cry. How I ended up falling asleep with him in bed. Tried to move him a few hours later when I woke up. He woke up. Repeat. I finally get him asleep, by himself, and Lucky climbed up and cuddled in the spot vacated by Max. It was a classic. Baby asleep until you get him over the crib and his body on the way down and he starts crying. Start bringing him back up to your chest, crying stops. Repeat. It is only funny in retrospect. At the time, I was very tired and not finding it very amusing.
4) Before and After - Where I post pictures of my hair before and after my hair cut last week. Much better. I was also going to work into this how supportive my hairdresser has been and how she tells all of her single friends about me and how I did this “the right way”. She is currently getting divorced and having to deal with all of the issues around that with her separated husband.
5) Petty, Petty me - Where I talk about how badly the pictures of me looked from the Baptism and how I am a bit resentful that my cousin took Max from me while at the Baptismal Fountain/Bath saying that she was supposed to hold him during this part. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but really regret not holding him through the entire ceremony in hindsight. There are some really great pictures, close ups of the two of them as the water is poured over his head and he is blessed by the priest. I’m standing next to them just looking on like a dork. I’m kind of pissed, but know that I am just being petty. I was looking so bad (tired, hair a mess, fat, etc.) that even if I was holding him then the pictures weren’t so great. I know this is petty. My friend Heather says that Terri should have known better. I’m getting upset about it all over again and I know I should just let it go. It really was a great ceremony and I had no problems at all with it until I looked at the pictures. Silly, petty me.
6) Sleep, Glorious sleep…Where I analyze, ad nauseam, why I was so tired last week including physical reasons (tooth still bothering me, mole that was liquid nitrogen’d hurting, low grade headache, hemorrhoid flare up), need for a little down time/alone time (here I could have worked a whole chapter on my awareness and need of personal space contributing to my still being single), and how I decided that I just need more sleep after Max (7 hours was perfect before, but 8 or 9 is better now). How, like most things in life, it wasn’t just one thing, but many added up that was causing the problem.
7) Me time…Where I talk about how Max fell asleep at 5:30 pm on Friday night and I had the whole evening to myself. Where I wasted such free time catching up on the entire season of Commander in Chief that I had been recording on my DVR but never had a chance to watch. Where I go on and on about how each baby is different and each parent is different citing as examples a fellow SMC friend who just had a baby 10 weeks after Max (she had some Nanny transition problems, but not nearly as badly as I did) who said she is much more efficient since her kid has arrived and I talk about what a time waster I have become and how much more efficient and on the ball I was pre-Max. I was also going to work into here my comments on a recent posting to the SMC-Mothering list about a recent mom of twins was asking the group about what they did on maternity leave because she was bored and had too much free time and how glad I was when a few other people posted that they could completely not comprehend because they never had a minute to be bored or any free time (Whew, it wasn’t just me), which was a relief because, I was thinking “what did I do wrong” that she has time with 2 like I never had with one. At which point I go on and on about how each kid is different and that if your child actually SLEEPS during the day when you yourself don’t need to be sleeping, I can see it. I then would talk about Max’s sleep patterns (night = good; day = bad) and reference back to when he was first born and if he had a sleep athon (like 2 or 3 hours of day time nap in a row) like Friday night I was in a panic (reference back to previous blog entries on such topic) and how much I have grown that I only checked on him once or twice and was able to enjoy my free time with only fleeting thoughts of death and SIDS.
Okay, that’s only 7, not 10. But, there could have been a few more that I am just not remembering at the moment. And, some of those are really big topics and could be split into more than one entry. I’m sure that the digest version was enough. I had novels and chapters written in my mind. Thank goodness. Never had time to write them. Lucky, Lucky you.
I have not read one page of one non child related book since Max was born. I have written tons of blogs that have never made it to print. Oh…just remembered another one where I talk about how I still spend more time researching and reading about infertility than on baby milestones and parenting styles (where I would be an RE when I grow up if I didn’t have to go to medical school and be an OB first and when I read baby parenting stuff I just either 1) freak out because they are so contradictory 2) read all the bad stuff like SIDS, suffocation, rare illnesses, premature death that I swear off it again, tell myself to go with my instincts and go back to reading about fertility/infertility.
Time to go wake my little guy. Feed him. Put another layer on him. Go walk the doggies. Get ready for work. Work. WHOOOOO YAHHHHH. Let another day begin!
And, here I am.
I have probably written 10 blog posts in my mind. Yes, only in my mind, with no time to actually get them out. Here is what you could have read, if only, there was time to actually write them.
1) Succession Planning….Where I go on and on about how I want things to work if I die. Yes, still don’t have a will, let alone a living will put in place. Still on the list. I want to set up an investment account for Max. However, because of the tax consequences, I need to/should have some of this set up and in place before I do that. I must move this up on the list because I am loosing out on compounded interest and capital gains while the money sits in a cookie jar. I talk endlessly about why I don’t want my mom or any of my sisters to have Max. Why half of the few people I have talked to about this topic berate me because my current first two people who I want to give the first right of refusal if I keel over are not family. How I talk about how I would like to ask my cousin Ana (who is as good of friends to my sister Cindy as I am to her sister/my cousin Terri) and her husband to be third. How this would break my cousin Terri’s heart and could I get away with this without saying anything and leaving everyone to deal with the written word without having the conversations because after all, I’d be dead. One day, I really am going to get this all out.
2) Acupuncture Testimonial…..Where I post the testimonial I finally got written for Denise, my acupuncturist. This one should be easy since it is already written. Although, may require some edits since I haven’t heard back from her on it and not sure it really was what she was looking for.
3) My life – The comedy…..Where I talk about how Max on Saturday night would fall asleep in my arms and every time I went to put him down, he would wake up and cry. How I ended up falling asleep with him in bed. Tried to move him a few hours later when I woke up. He woke up. Repeat. I finally get him asleep, by himself, and Lucky climbed up and cuddled in the spot vacated by Max. It was a classic. Baby asleep until you get him over the crib and his body on the way down and he starts crying. Start bringing him back up to your chest, crying stops. Repeat. It is only funny in retrospect. At the time, I was very tired and not finding it very amusing.
4) Before and After - Where I post pictures of my hair before and after my hair cut last week. Much better. I was also going to work into this how supportive my hairdresser has been and how she tells all of her single friends about me and how I did this “the right way”. She is currently getting divorced and having to deal with all of the issues around that with her separated husband.
5) Petty, Petty me - Where I talk about how badly the pictures of me looked from the Baptism and how I am a bit resentful that my cousin took Max from me while at the Baptismal Fountain/Bath saying that she was supposed to hold him during this part. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but really regret not holding him through the entire ceremony in hindsight. There are some really great pictures, close ups of the two of them as the water is poured over his head and he is blessed by the priest. I’m standing next to them just looking on like a dork. I’m kind of pissed, but know that I am just being petty. I was looking so bad (tired, hair a mess, fat, etc.) that even if I was holding him then the pictures weren’t so great. I know this is petty. My friend Heather says that Terri should have known better. I’m getting upset about it all over again and I know I should just let it go. It really was a great ceremony and I had no problems at all with it until I looked at the pictures. Silly, petty me.
6) Sleep, Glorious sleep…Where I analyze, ad nauseam, why I was so tired last week including physical reasons (tooth still bothering me, mole that was liquid nitrogen’d hurting, low grade headache, hemorrhoid flare up), need for a little down time/alone time (here I could have worked a whole chapter on my awareness and need of personal space contributing to my still being single), and how I decided that I just need more sleep after Max (7 hours was perfect before, but 8 or 9 is better now). How, like most things in life, it wasn’t just one thing, but many added up that was causing the problem.
7) Me time…Where I talk about how Max fell asleep at 5:30 pm on Friday night and I had the whole evening to myself. Where I wasted such free time catching up on the entire season of Commander in Chief that I had been recording on my DVR but never had a chance to watch. Where I go on and on about how each baby is different and each parent is different citing as examples a fellow SMC friend who just had a baby 10 weeks after Max (she had some Nanny transition problems, but not nearly as badly as I did) who said she is much more efficient since her kid has arrived and I talk about what a time waster I have become and how much more efficient and on the ball I was pre-Max. I was also going to work into here my comments on a recent posting to the SMC-Mothering list about a recent mom of twins was asking the group about what they did on maternity leave because she was bored and had too much free time and how glad I was when a few other people posted that they could completely not comprehend because they never had a minute to be bored or any free time (Whew, it wasn’t just me), which was a relief because, I was thinking “what did I do wrong” that she has time with 2 like I never had with one. At which point I go on and on about how each kid is different and that if your child actually SLEEPS during the day when you yourself don’t need to be sleeping, I can see it. I then would talk about Max’s sleep patterns (night = good; day = bad) and reference back to when he was first born and if he had a sleep athon (like 2 or 3 hours of day time nap in a row) like Friday night I was in a panic (reference back to previous blog entries on such topic) and how much I have grown that I only checked on him once or twice and was able to enjoy my free time with only fleeting thoughts of death and SIDS.
Okay, that’s only 7, not 10. But, there could have been a few more that I am just not remembering at the moment. And, some of those are really big topics and could be split into more than one entry. I’m sure that the digest version was enough. I had novels and chapters written in my mind. Thank goodness. Never had time to write them. Lucky, Lucky you.
I have not read one page of one non child related book since Max was born. I have written tons of blogs that have never made it to print. Oh…just remembered another one where I talk about how I still spend more time researching and reading about infertility than on baby milestones and parenting styles (where I would be an RE when I grow up if I didn’t have to go to medical school and be an OB first and when I read baby parenting stuff I just either 1) freak out because they are so contradictory 2) read all the bad stuff like SIDS, suffocation, rare illnesses, premature death that I swear off it again, tell myself to go with my instincts and go back to reading about fertility/infertility.
Time to go wake my little guy. Feed him. Put another layer on him. Go walk the doggies. Get ready for work. Work. WHOOOOO YAHHHHH. Let another day begin!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
The little things
These days it seems like it is the little things that can make a day. Like today. I got my hair washed and dried before work. No time since the weekend and it really needed to get done. And, I didn’t think it would happen because we got moving and out of the house late (6:45 am). I got the low fuel message as I pulled up to the trail head to park so I needed to stop for gas on the way home. I need about 40 min. extra in the normal get ready routine to wash my hair. Since I had a 9 am work meeting/call, I needed to be home by 8 am ish and Max needed to be asleep/not need to be fed for the hair wash thing to happen. And, it did. I just put the car seat, with him asleep in it, into the bathroom with me. When he started to stir, I quickly shut off the light and showered in the dark. LOL. Of course, I just pulled it immediately up into a ponytail out of the way because my work headset gets caught into other things and Max is starting to grab. Much better to have it out of the way.
I’ve been really, really tired lately. My ass is just dragging. I don’t seem to have the energy for anything. Not getting any less or more sleep (in general) than usual. I thought it may have been because of the high winds we had for a few days, but they have been gone for a few days and I am still tired. I hate it.
I was all set yesterday to leave Max and Niomi home while I went to the dr.’s again. I mentioned it to Niomi and she got a funny expression on her face so I asked her if she wanted to go with. She did. So, we all trekked off to the dr. so I could have more liquid nitrogen placed on the mammoth mole that grew during my pregnancy.
I have so many things work and personal to get done. Don’t feel like doing a one of them. I can’t wait until the 19th when I am on vacation again. I do like my work, just not into it at the moment.
I haven’t even managed to unload my digital camera (let alone actually order any prints..since Max was born…so sad) so that I can take more. I need to get one of him as Eskimo Baby and Baby Santa. It is really not that hard. It really won’t take that long.
Still trying to decided whether or not to do Christmas cards and/or birth announcements. Not enough energy or desire to research it and/or actually make a plan.
I guess I am still a bit stuck in that I would like to be a stay at home mom pattern. Niomi has grown on me. We are both much more used to each other and things are going very well in that regard. I’m actually getting very used to someone pickup after me and, heaven forbid, make my bed everyday. I actually cooked last night. It had 5 ingredients and required backing. Actually, I couldn’t find the recipe and after eating it I am sure that it was supposed to have more than 5 ingredients because it didn’t taste that great, not bad, but not good either. Anyway, I digress. I only piled the dishes in the sink with some water so the food wouldn’t get stuck on and left them instead of washing them or putting them into the dishwasher. Yes, mild guilt over it, but not so guilty I didn’t do it.
I know that I am so fortunate that get so see and feed Max during the day. Maybe I would be more focused if I was getting out and separated more often.
I’m still thinking about trying for another next year. The thought of weaning Max in a few months depresses me though. I keep telling myself to cross that bridge when I am there. We may both be ready by then. My dr., the one that I saw yesterday, has a 5 ½ month old, and said that she is stopping. She said that both she and the baby are ready for that now. I hope that will be the same for Max and I.
I guess I am just in a bit of a funk.
Have I mentioned how tired I am?
I’ve been really, really tired lately. My ass is just dragging. I don’t seem to have the energy for anything. Not getting any less or more sleep (in general) than usual. I thought it may have been because of the high winds we had for a few days, but they have been gone for a few days and I am still tired. I hate it.
I was all set yesterday to leave Max and Niomi home while I went to the dr.’s again. I mentioned it to Niomi and she got a funny expression on her face so I asked her if she wanted to go with. She did. So, we all trekked off to the dr. so I could have more liquid nitrogen placed on the mammoth mole that grew during my pregnancy.
I have so many things work and personal to get done. Don’t feel like doing a one of them. I can’t wait until the 19th when I am on vacation again. I do like my work, just not into it at the moment.
I haven’t even managed to unload my digital camera (let alone actually order any prints..since Max was born…so sad) so that I can take more. I need to get one of him as Eskimo Baby and Baby Santa. It is really not that hard. It really won’t take that long.
Still trying to decided whether or not to do Christmas cards and/or birth announcements. Not enough energy or desire to research it and/or actually make a plan.
I guess I am still a bit stuck in that I would like to be a stay at home mom pattern. Niomi has grown on me. We are both much more used to each other and things are going very well in that regard. I’m actually getting very used to someone pickup after me and, heaven forbid, make my bed everyday. I actually cooked last night. It had 5 ingredients and required backing. Actually, I couldn’t find the recipe and after eating it I am sure that it was supposed to have more than 5 ingredients because it didn’t taste that great, not bad, but not good either. Anyway, I digress. I only piled the dishes in the sink with some water so the food wouldn’t get stuck on and left them instead of washing them or putting them into the dishwasher. Yes, mild guilt over it, but not so guilty I didn’t do it.
I know that I am so fortunate that get so see and feed Max during the day. Maybe I would be more focused if I was getting out and separated more often.
I’m still thinking about trying for another next year. The thought of weaning Max in a few months depresses me though. I keep telling myself to cross that bridge when I am there. We may both be ready by then. My dr., the one that I saw yesterday, has a 5 ½ month old, and said that she is stopping. She said that both she and the baby are ready for that now. I hope that will be the same for Max and I.
I guess I am just in a bit of a funk.
Have I mentioned how tired I am?
Monday, December 05, 2005
Where’s Debbie been?
What has Debbie been up to lately?
A. Having a three day battle with exterior Christmas light, getting extremely frustrated and regretting even starting the project after seriously thinking about not even putting up lights in the first place this year
B. Tending to her young son who has been boycotting sleep the last few days, including waking up at 5 am on the weekend wide awake and ready to play and be entertained and only napping for 10 – 30 min. at a time then waking up screaming
C. Visiting/Talking with IRL family and friends, including but not limited to discussing what jerks the guys in their life are and, for those not married to the jerks, why they should/should not/did break up with them
D. All of the above
A. Having a three day battle with exterior Christmas light, getting extremely frustrated and regretting even starting the project after seriously thinking about not even putting up lights in the first place this year
B. Tending to her young son who has been boycotting sleep the last few days, including waking up at 5 am on the weekend wide awake and ready to play and be entertained and only napping for 10 – 30 min. at a time then waking up screaming
C. Visiting/Talking with IRL family and friends, including but not limited to discussing what jerks the guys in their life are and, for those not married to the jerks, why they should/should not/did break up with them
D. All of the above
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Good Trip
It was a good trip. We got home last night. I’m still tired. Every day was filled to the brim. On Saturday, after my sister left, my cousin tried to talk me into going to a movie and my mom into going shopping. I told them, you go. I’m going to take a nap at my aunt and uncles. I got about 40 min. in which was enough. The rest of the time, I was pretty much on the go the entire trip. Max never really adjusted (and I didn’t even try) to the Eastern Time zone. This meant going to bed around midnight and getting up around 8 am, except that most days after I fed Max his 5 or 6 am ET ish snack, he would go back to sleep and I was up for the duration. My cousins house it a bit loud and I am a light sleeper. So, I ran a few hours short of sleep every day. It was worth it.
The best…The best part of the trip was seeing all my family for Thanksgiving and the Baptism. My mom flew in and stayed at my Aunt’s (her sister). My sister Cindy drove in with her husband and kids and stayed with my cousin Anna. Max and I stated with my cousin Terri. My mom’s sister and three out of her four kids and their kids attended both Thanksgiving and the baptism/party afterwards. My mom’s brother and his wife and three out of their five kids attended the baptism/party afterwards. I hadn’t seen a few of my cousins in about 20 years so it was nice. It is funny. Max has now met all of his cousins that don’t live in state and his second cousins. He has yet to meet my sister Julie’s girls who live much closer. It was also really nice to meet some of my colleagues that I have worked with for a few years now and never met face to face.
The worst…The worst part of the trip was when I was going from my cousin Terri’s house to my cousin Anna’s house on Friday night to visit my sister and her kids before they left on Saturday with Max and I didn’t see the neighbors car parked in the street as I backed out of the driveway and hit it. It was only minor damage, but I was really upset. It was a traumatic event and I was short on sleep making me even more emotional. This was the first time ever I have caused a collision. Then, Terri made some smart ass remark (in an attempt to make me feel better so she says) and made me cry all over again. The other bad part was yesterday when I was meeting with a guy that reports to me for lunch before I flew out and Max cried and fussed the WHOLE time. I kept apologizing and saying, he never acts like this. It was very stressful. I guess Max just didn’t like the restaurant because he was fine once we left to go to the airport.
Max was a great traveler and very interested and curious into everything around him. One of my most precious memories of the trip is of Carolyn (Terri’s 9 year old who gave up her bed/bed room for us) reading a book out loud to her mom on one side of the couch. Max turned and started craning his neck to look at the book. He did the same thing when football was on. He is just so cute.
We had all kinds of weather, except sun, while gone. Snow, Ice, and Rain. It wasn’t bad to visit, but glad I don’t live there. What a pain to have to bundle and unbundled a kid so much every time you want to go someplace.
The most useless thing I took and didn’t need/use was the base to the car seat. It was hard to install/uninstall from their cars and we never seemed to use the same car twice. Next trip, that will stay home. Otherwise, I did a good job packing and my cousins did a great job of having everything else I would need (bouncy, play mat, breast pump, car seat blanket, sleeper blankets, etc.) ready and available for me.
It was a great trip. I think Max has been a bit bored today with just our house and Niomi after all of the stimulation and new faces and new scenery day after day after day on our trip. His cousins were so thrilled to see him and wanted to hold him and be in his face all of the time. It was very cute, but I did have to make sure he got a bit of time on the floor/away from the kids a few times.
I never did get a period this month like I thought so I guess I didn’t ovulate like I thought I did. And, Max did not have one BM the whole time we were gone, lots and lots of smelly farts, but no blow outs. Hmm. LOL. My exciting life….
I took so many pictures. Or, I should say that so many pictures were taken with my camera that it is now full. Maybe this weekend, I will get a chance to off-load them and look at them.
I am glad that I went. I’m glad that I am home.
The best…The best part of the trip was seeing all my family for Thanksgiving and the Baptism. My mom flew in and stayed at my Aunt’s (her sister). My sister Cindy drove in with her husband and kids and stayed with my cousin Anna. Max and I stated with my cousin Terri. My mom’s sister and three out of her four kids and their kids attended both Thanksgiving and the baptism/party afterwards. My mom’s brother and his wife and three out of their five kids attended the baptism/party afterwards. I hadn’t seen a few of my cousins in about 20 years so it was nice. It is funny. Max has now met all of his cousins that don’t live in state and his second cousins. He has yet to meet my sister Julie’s girls who live much closer. It was also really nice to meet some of my colleagues that I have worked with for a few years now and never met face to face.
The worst…The worst part of the trip was when I was going from my cousin Terri’s house to my cousin Anna’s house on Friday night to visit my sister and her kids before they left on Saturday with Max and I didn’t see the neighbors car parked in the street as I backed out of the driveway and hit it. It was only minor damage, but I was really upset. It was a traumatic event and I was short on sleep making me even more emotional. This was the first time ever I have caused a collision. Then, Terri made some smart ass remark (in an attempt to make me feel better so she says) and made me cry all over again. The other bad part was yesterday when I was meeting with a guy that reports to me for lunch before I flew out and Max cried and fussed the WHOLE time. I kept apologizing and saying, he never acts like this. It was very stressful. I guess Max just didn’t like the restaurant because he was fine once we left to go to the airport.
Max was a great traveler and very interested and curious into everything around him. One of my most precious memories of the trip is of Carolyn (Terri’s 9 year old who gave up her bed/bed room for us) reading a book out loud to her mom on one side of the couch. Max turned and started craning his neck to look at the book. He did the same thing when football was on. He is just so cute.
We had all kinds of weather, except sun, while gone. Snow, Ice, and Rain. It wasn’t bad to visit, but glad I don’t live there. What a pain to have to bundle and unbundled a kid so much every time you want to go someplace.
The most useless thing I took and didn’t need/use was the base to the car seat. It was hard to install/uninstall from their cars and we never seemed to use the same car twice. Next trip, that will stay home. Otherwise, I did a good job packing and my cousins did a great job of having everything else I would need (bouncy, play mat, breast pump, car seat blanket, sleeper blankets, etc.) ready and available for me.
It was a great trip. I think Max has been a bit bored today with just our house and Niomi after all of the stimulation and new faces and new scenery day after day after day on our trip. His cousins were so thrilled to see him and wanted to hold him and be in his face all of the time. It was very cute, but I did have to make sure he got a bit of time on the floor/away from the kids a few times.
I never did get a period this month like I thought so I guess I didn’t ovulate like I thought I did. And, Max did not have one BM the whole time we were gone, lots and lots of smelly farts, but no blow outs. Hmm. LOL. My exciting life….
I took so many pictures. Or, I should say that so many pictures were taken with my camera that it is now full. Maybe this weekend, I will get a chance to off-load them and look at them.
I am glad that I went. I’m glad that I am home.
Monday, November 21, 2005
I’m Gone, Happy Thanksgiving
I’m leaving bright and early tomorrow morning for a trip across the United States. Max’s first airplane trip. Let’s hope it is uneventful. I’ll be gone for a week and will have no chance to post. Not only will I be very busy, but my family doesn’t know about my blog and I plan to keep it that way.
I’m packed. Max is packed. Except for those things that need to go in last thing in the morning. Max is asleep. I’m headed that way soon.
Busy day. Busy weekend.
I saw that guy Hunter again this morning. Smile. He knows my car by now so knew I was on the trail. He must have been looking for me, because when he saw me he ran out to meet me and talked with me as we walked back to my car. We really have only had short conversation since that long first talk. Today when I saw him he just quickly gave me some stock tips. I really only understood about 50% of what he was saying, but passed the tips onto my sister, Julie, who has been taking classes in that sort of thing the last year or so. I just memorized what he told me so I could repeat it like a parrot. LOL. Based on something Hunter said last time we talked, I think maybe he isn’t married anymore. I could be wrong. I have two IRL friends that think I should ask him out for coffee. Of course, I don’t drink coffee. Plus, as I told them, it may ruin some of the allure/fun of the chance encounters.
I have a tooth infection that hopefully isn’t the start of a bad root. I’m on antibiotics as of mid-day today. I’m feeling better already. Just what is need right before a long out of town trip for the holidays. It started bothering me on Thursday and I was hoping it would go away. By Saturday, I was pretty much taking Tylenol every 5 hours or so. It was a bit better on Sunday, but couldn’t really chance it since I was leaving tomorrow.
I got my Christmas decorations up this weekend and the tree up today while Niomi was here. I know. I know. It is sinfully early, but…(this is where I justify it)…Doing it today while I was off from work and while Niomi was here watching Max was very helpful. Plus, we aren’t going to be here for Thanksgiving. This way, I will come home to a nice clean house (cleaning lady coming tomorrow) and everything decorated. It will make my December much less stressful. I still need to do all of my X-mas shopping, put up the outside lights, and I am debating about doing cards this year. I didn’t last. Maybe a combo birth announcement/x-mas card. I’m still working on the idea.
I also visited a friend, a fellow SMC’er, who had a baby girl a few weeks ago. Got Max’s 3 month pictures taken. Paid bills. Took Lucky to the vet. Blah, Blah, Blah.
Lucky’s labs came back today and don’t show anything abnormal. We don’t really know why she is refusing to eat/treats for a few days, then starting to eat and vomiting. Very disconcerting. The Vet told me to give her some Chicken and Rice and/or something she will eat. Once I did that, she started eating again. So, she is on wet/can food once a day while I am gone. My poor little girl. She never was one of those dogs who would just eat anything. She always sniffs what is being offered first before deciding if she wants it. Sometimes, she will take something and then just drop it. Now, she is just plain finicky.
Max was weighing 12 lbs 11 ½ oz. as of Saturday according to the cat scale at the vet’s on Saturday. He was measuring 24 ¾ inches when Niomi and I measured him on Friday. The kid is growing and looking as cute as can be.
I am not looking forward to traveling tomorrow. There is so much junk to haul. Even with not taking any toys, towels, and blankets and minimal diapers and wipes, and only my breast pump tubing and accessories (not the pump itself) …. I needed my own suitcase (a medium size one, but the biggest I have) and Max needed his own suitcase (a small carryone one with wheels that will not be carried on). Plus, the stroller, the car seat, the car seat base, and the carry on backpack that is stuffed to the gills. I want to take some frozen milk with ice also, but may have to scrap that idea since I have no more space and can’t carry one more thing. I don’t know how I am going to manage it. I don’t, but I am sure it will work out somehow. I was stressed last week. Now, I am just tired and wish I were there already.
Anyway, the time is ticking and I need my beauty sleep. HA HA.
Happy Turkey Day!
I’m packed. Max is packed. Except for those things that need to go in last thing in the morning. Max is asleep. I’m headed that way soon.
Busy day. Busy weekend.
I saw that guy Hunter again this morning. Smile. He knows my car by now so knew I was on the trail. He must have been looking for me, because when he saw me he ran out to meet me and talked with me as we walked back to my car. We really have only had short conversation since that long first talk. Today when I saw him he just quickly gave me some stock tips. I really only understood about 50% of what he was saying, but passed the tips onto my sister, Julie, who has been taking classes in that sort of thing the last year or so. I just memorized what he told me so I could repeat it like a parrot. LOL. Based on something Hunter said last time we talked, I think maybe he isn’t married anymore. I could be wrong. I have two IRL friends that think I should ask him out for coffee. Of course, I don’t drink coffee. Plus, as I told them, it may ruin some of the allure/fun of the chance encounters.
I have a tooth infection that hopefully isn’t the start of a bad root. I’m on antibiotics as of mid-day today. I’m feeling better already. Just what is need right before a long out of town trip for the holidays. It started bothering me on Thursday and I was hoping it would go away. By Saturday, I was pretty much taking Tylenol every 5 hours or so. It was a bit better on Sunday, but couldn’t really chance it since I was leaving tomorrow.
I got my Christmas decorations up this weekend and the tree up today while Niomi was here. I know. I know. It is sinfully early, but…(this is where I justify it)…Doing it today while I was off from work and while Niomi was here watching Max was very helpful. Plus, we aren’t going to be here for Thanksgiving. This way, I will come home to a nice clean house (cleaning lady coming tomorrow) and everything decorated. It will make my December much less stressful. I still need to do all of my X-mas shopping, put up the outside lights, and I am debating about doing cards this year. I didn’t last. Maybe a combo birth announcement/x-mas card. I’m still working on the idea.
I also visited a friend, a fellow SMC’er, who had a baby girl a few weeks ago. Got Max’s 3 month pictures taken. Paid bills. Took Lucky to the vet. Blah, Blah, Blah.
Lucky’s labs came back today and don’t show anything abnormal. We don’t really know why she is refusing to eat/treats for a few days, then starting to eat and vomiting. Very disconcerting. The Vet told me to give her some Chicken and Rice and/or something she will eat. Once I did that, she started eating again. So, she is on wet/can food once a day while I am gone. My poor little girl. She never was one of those dogs who would just eat anything. She always sniffs what is being offered first before deciding if she wants it. Sometimes, she will take something and then just drop it. Now, she is just plain finicky.
Max was weighing 12 lbs 11 ½ oz. as of Saturday according to the cat scale at the vet’s on Saturday. He was measuring 24 ¾ inches when Niomi and I measured him on Friday. The kid is growing and looking as cute as can be.
I am not looking forward to traveling tomorrow. There is so much junk to haul. Even with not taking any toys, towels, and blankets and minimal diapers and wipes, and only my breast pump tubing and accessories (not the pump itself) …. I needed my own suitcase (a medium size one, but the biggest I have) and Max needed his own suitcase (a small carryone one with wheels that will not be carried on). Plus, the stroller, the car seat, the car seat base, and the carry on backpack that is stuffed to the gills. I want to take some frozen milk with ice also, but may have to scrap that idea since I have no more space and can’t carry one more thing. I don’t know how I am going to manage it. I don’t, but I am sure it will work out somehow. I was stressed last week. Now, I am just tired and wish I were there already.
Anyway, the time is ticking and I need my beauty sleep. HA HA.
Happy Turkey Day!
Friday, November 18, 2005
Still Procrastinating
Have so many things that I really should be doing. Don’t feel like it, so I thought I would blog more until I need to go meet up with a friend.
Adding up days. Really need to figure out how to get back into my fertility friend account and log things. But, I think I ovulated around the 8th or 9th. Even though I have bled (sorry if TMI), twice now, I don’t think I had ovulated until then. As such, today would be 10 or 11 dpo. The timing for moodiness is about right. With my luck, I will start and have a heavy, icky, painful period…let’s say…right about TUESDAY. That is, only if my Luteal phase defect has resolved itself with childbirth. Otherwise, I would say, any day now. Hmm. Like many things in life, time will tell.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Awhile back, I had something I wanted to blog about, but couldn’t remember what it was. I remembered on Monday when a friend asked why I had moved Max’s car seat from the center of the back seat to the side. I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND, ON IMPORTANT THINGS, TO ACTUALLY READ THE MANUALS AND DO THEM YOURSELF. That being said, a few weekends ago, I did this one trail where I have to park off road and the car is at quite an angle. This caused the seatbelt holding the car seat to loosen. I fixed it, or so I thought, until I got home when I found the car seat at a 45 degree angle. So, I pulled out the manual for the car and the car seat. After going back and forth, I found the actual proper way to install the car seat. The way we were doing it wasn’t proper at all. They recommend NOT putting the seat in the middle, but in one of the outer seats where they have the LATCH system installed. If you are installing in a car without a LATCH system, they have this device to lock the seat belt. My cousin had put this on the wrong side of the car seat. When I called to tell her all of this, her response was…”oh, I never actually read how to do it, I just tried to figure it out on my own.” I wish I had known that earlier. Luckily, no major harm was done.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Speaking of no harm. I have topped myself in the bad mommy department. Yes, I surpassed the putting a sleeping baby in a bath incident. On Wednesday, I went out to dinner with my mom. My sister called at the last minute and wanted to join us. I was rushed and distracted getting out of the house. When I went to take Max out of the car seat after arriving at the restaurant, he was not properly buckled. I must have gotten distracted and only did the shoulder straps, not the bottom buckle pulling it all together. Either my mom or I threw a blanket over him and I didn’t notice it. OMG. I was a bit horrified. Note to self: no matter how rushed or busy you are…make sure your son is properly buckled into his car seat. Thank goodness, it all ended well, but …..
__________________________________________________________________________________
Another thing I have wanted to post about…Mr. Milk Face. A month or so ago, I was feeding Max at the computer and he detached. As I looked down, I was surprised to see what looked like a saliva string (if that makes sense) from his mouth to my breast. Then, I realized that it was a wayward milk duct that was continuing to release milk and what looked like a saliva string was actually a stream of milk squirting him all over the face. LOL. It was shocking and pretty funny at the same time. I think it may be one of those things that you have to actually see to believe/get the humor. Anyway, it has happened a few other times since. One of them earlier today. I am much better at catching it before he gets a complete milk bath. LOL.
__________________________________________________________________________________
I am sure I will regret squandering this time over the next few days when I try to get things accomplished while trying to watch Max instead of when I had the luxury of having Niomi here, but at this exact moment….I don’t regret it at all.
Being back to work is a lot easier now than it was a few weeks ago when I started back.
I still wish that I didn’t have to work and could spend full time caring for Max.
I am getting used to having someone in my house and doing my laundry and cleaning up everything. I still don’t like having someone making my bed. I am learning to live with it.
TGIF!
Adding up days. Really need to figure out how to get back into my fertility friend account and log things. But, I think I ovulated around the 8th or 9th. Even though I have bled (sorry if TMI), twice now, I don’t think I had ovulated until then. As such, today would be 10 or 11 dpo. The timing for moodiness is about right. With my luck, I will start and have a heavy, icky, painful period…let’s say…right about TUESDAY. That is, only if my Luteal phase defect has resolved itself with childbirth. Otherwise, I would say, any day now. Hmm. Like many things in life, time will tell.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Awhile back, I had something I wanted to blog about, but couldn’t remember what it was. I remembered on Monday when a friend asked why I had moved Max’s car seat from the center of the back seat to the side. I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND, ON IMPORTANT THINGS, TO ACTUALLY READ THE MANUALS AND DO THEM YOURSELF. That being said, a few weekends ago, I did this one trail where I have to park off road and the car is at quite an angle. This caused the seatbelt holding the car seat to loosen. I fixed it, or so I thought, until I got home when I found the car seat at a 45 degree angle. So, I pulled out the manual for the car and the car seat. After going back and forth, I found the actual proper way to install the car seat. The way we were doing it wasn’t proper at all. They recommend NOT putting the seat in the middle, but in one of the outer seats where they have the LATCH system installed. If you are installing in a car without a LATCH system, they have this device to lock the seat belt. My cousin had put this on the wrong side of the car seat. When I called to tell her all of this, her response was…”oh, I never actually read how to do it, I just tried to figure it out on my own.” I wish I had known that earlier. Luckily, no major harm was done.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Speaking of no harm. I have topped myself in the bad mommy department. Yes, I surpassed the putting a sleeping baby in a bath incident. On Wednesday, I went out to dinner with my mom. My sister called at the last minute and wanted to join us. I was rushed and distracted getting out of the house. When I went to take Max out of the car seat after arriving at the restaurant, he was not properly buckled. I must have gotten distracted and only did the shoulder straps, not the bottom buckle pulling it all together. Either my mom or I threw a blanket over him and I didn’t notice it. OMG. I was a bit horrified. Note to self: no matter how rushed or busy you are…make sure your son is properly buckled into his car seat. Thank goodness, it all ended well, but …..
__________________________________________________________________________________
Another thing I have wanted to post about…Mr. Milk Face. A month or so ago, I was feeding Max at the computer and he detached. As I looked down, I was surprised to see what looked like a saliva string (if that makes sense) from his mouth to my breast. Then, I realized that it was a wayward milk duct that was continuing to release milk and what looked like a saliva string was actually a stream of milk squirting him all over the face. LOL. It was shocking and pretty funny at the same time. I think it may be one of those things that you have to actually see to believe/get the humor. Anyway, it has happened a few other times since. One of them earlier today. I am much better at catching it before he gets a complete milk bath. LOL.
__________________________________________________________________________________
I am sure I will regret squandering this time over the next few days when I try to get things accomplished while trying to watch Max instead of when I had the luxury of having Niomi here, but at this exact moment….I don’t regret it at all.
Being back to work is a lot easier now than it was a few weeks ago when I started back.
I still wish that I didn’t have to work and could spend full time caring for Max.
I am getting used to having someone in my house and doing my laundry and cleaning up everything. I still don’t like having someone making my bed. I am learning to live with it.
TGIF!
Stressed AND Moody
I am feeling stressed and out of sorts this afternoon. The closer I get to next Tuesday when I fly with Max for the first time, the more stressed out I am becoming. I am so ill prepared. I don’t know what to take/not take. I’m not so worried about the actual flying, but the logistics. Like, how I will manage the luggage and Max.
I have been tired all week. I’m not sleeping great. Not extremely badly, either. But, not great. I just feel so tired. So tired, that I only felt mildly guilty that I had Niomi walk the dogs last night before she left and didn’t walk them myself and/or re-walk them later.
I have also had a low grade headache; my eyes are burning; and left ear is itchy. It is really windy here this week and I think a good part of the problem is allergy/sinus related. As I type this, I am realizing what a bad mood I really am in.
Anyway, I was maintaining. Not doing too badly until about two housr ago. I went to run a few errands. Before I left, I went to make sure that Lucky knew I was leaving because if I don’t she searches hi and low for me and anxiously looking for me the whole time I am gone. I called her as I walked into the office and she didn’t even stir. I touched her and again. Nothing. My heart and stomach just dropped and I thought OMG, she is dead. How can that be? She has still been having tummy upset no and again, but at last check just a few weeks ago she was still in remission. Then, slowly, she lifted her head and looked at me. My heart started beating again, but I wanted to lay down and cry. Now, I can’t seem to shake that mood. If Niomi wasn’t here, I would go climb in bed and have a good ole’ bawl. Instead, here I sit in my office teary eyed pretending to work.
Now, I really don’t want to have to leave Lucky and Shadow next week. I want to go. Or, rather, I want to be there. And, see everyone. And, show off Max. But, I don’t want to really leave my house, my routine, and Lucky and Shadow to do it. I’m sure I will be fine once I get there. The getting is going to be hard though.
I have so many things that have to get done and this afternoon would be the perfect time to do them. Yet, I am so not in the mood.
I have been tired all week. I’m not sleeping great. Not extremely badly, either. But, not great. I just feel so tired. So tired, that I only felt mildly guilty that I had Niomi walk the dogs last night before she left and didn’t walk them myself and/or re-walk them later.
I have also had a low grade headache; my eyes are burning; and left ear is itchy. It is really windy here this week and I think a good part of the problem is allergy/sinus related. As I type this, I am realizing what a bad mood I really am in.
Anyway, I was maintaining. Not doing too badly until about two housr ago. I went to run a few errands. Before I left, I went to make sure that Lucky knew I was leaving because if I don’t she searches hi and low for me and anxiously looking for me the whole time I am gone. I called her as I walked into the office and she didn’t even stir. I touched her and again. Nothing. My heart and stomach just dropped and I thought OMG, she is dead. How can that be? She has still been having tummy upset no and again, but at last check just a few weeks ago she was still in remission. Then, slowly, she lifted her head and looked at me. My heart started beating again, but I wanted to lay down and cry. Now, I can’t seem to shake that mood. If Niomi wasn’t here, I would go climb in bed and have a good ole’ bawl. Instead, here I sit in my office teary eyed pretending to work.
Now, I really don’t want to have to leave Lucky and Shadow next week. I want to go. Or, rather, I want to be there. And, see everyone. And, show off Max. But, I don’t want to really leave my house, my routine, and Lucky and Shadow to do it. I’m sure I will be fine once I get there. The getting is going to be hard though.
I have so many things that have to get done and this afternoon would be the perfect time to do them. Yet, I am so not in the mood.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
A moment of self doubt
I have heard that many women when they are trying to get pregnant or when they are pregnant get this self doubt about whether they will make a good mom. Probably, I am just egotistical, but that didn't happen to me. I was always so sure that I would make a great mom.
This morning when I was hiking I had a few moments of self-doubt. What if I wasn’t good enough? I want so much to be the best mommy I can be. But, what if that isn’t enough? I started getting all worked up and tear eyed (which happens so much more frequently since I had Max) over this. I started the positive self talk and told myself that no mom is ever perfect, but that I am just the mommy that Max needs.
Just then, a gust of wind blew and hit us both in the face. Max just started laughing. Made me laugh, too! Here we are both enjoying nature together.
All was then back to being right in my world. I am a good mom to my dogs and a good mom to Max. Who else would be up at 7 am in the morning hiking with them before work and giving them such an experience on a warm, windy day? We shared a little moment that no one else did this morning.
All I could think was…how cool is that?
In other news, I have no plans tonight except to walk the dogs and take it easy. That makes me so happy. I've been feeling so very tired, as trite as that sounds.
Didn’t sleep well last night. I was tossing and turning and writing in my mind a long post on Baptism Class, Religion and Politics. Time will tell if I actually get it to print. I woke up late and tired after getting to bed late and not sleeping well. Max woke up late, too.
Our routine has been that he wakes up around 5 ish and I feed him. Then, we play and cuddle for awhile before getting up and starting the day. We didn’t get that this morning. I was up and dressed before he woke up. I gave him a quick feed. Then, we were off. I like having a bit of time to play and interact even if it does mean a much earlier start to the day.
I told my bosses to not submit my name for that other job as interesting as it is and as good of a match as I really am for it. The timing is just not right for a move. I talked to the guy currently in the job and it is very much East Coast centric. I would be the only West Coast person on the leadership team. As minor as that is in the scheme of things, I just can’t do that battle right now and am not willing to give up my early mornings with Max and the dogs before work. I am fine with the decision and think my bosses are as well.
Max today in his new shirt. A gift from a fellow SMC this weekend. It fits perfectly and is already getting good use.
This morning when I was hiking I had a few moments of self-doubt. What if I wasn’t good enough? I want so much to be the best mommy I can be. But, what if that isn’t enough? I started getting all worked up and tear eyed (which happens so much more frequently since I had Max) over this. I started the positive self talk and told myself that no mom is ever perfect, but that I am just the mommy that Max needs.
Just then, a gust of wind blew and hit us both in the face. Max just started laughing. Made me laugh, too! Here we are both enjoying nature together.
All was then back to being right in my world. I am a good mom to my dogs and a good mom to Max. Who else would be up at 7 am in the morning hiking with them before work and giving them such an experience on a warm, windy day? We shared a little moment that no one else did this morning.
All I could think was…how cool is that?
In other news, I have no plans tonight except to walk the dogs and take it easy. That makes me so happy. I've been feeling so very tired, as trite as that sounds.
Didn’t sleep well last night. I was tossing and turning and writing in my mind a long post on Baptism Class, Religion and Politics. Time will tell if I actually get it to print. I woke up late and tired after getting to bed late and not sleeping well. Max woke up late, too.
Our routine has been that he wakes up around 5 ish and I feed him. Then, we play and cuddle for awhile before getting up and starting the day. We didn’t get that this morning. I was up and dressed before he woke up. I gave him a quick feed. Then, we were off. I like having a bit of time to play and interact even if it does mean a much earlier start to the day.
I told my bosses to not submit my name for that other job as interesting as it is and as good of a match as I really am for it. The timing is just not right for a move. I talked to the guy currently in the job and it is very much East Coast centric. I would be the only West Coast person on the leadership team. As minor as that is in the scheme of things, I just can’t do that battle right now and am not willing to give up my early mornings with Max and the dogs before work. I am fine with the decision and think my bosses are as well.
Max today in his new shirt. A gift from a fellow SMC this weekend. It fits perfectly and is already getting good use.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Max Laughed
In getting out all of the mundane minutia of last week, I can’t believe I forgot to mention that Max laughed for the first time. I was changing him on Saturday getting ready for the Single Mom’s get together and was playing with him…”Momma gets your tummy” where I kiss and mouth his stomach and “Tap, Tap, Tap” where I bend his legs/butt up and tap his feet to his cheeks. The first time, I thought I imagined it. But, my cousin called in the middle of it and I was able to get him to laugh again while she was on the phone and she heard it too. I tried various things to get him to laugh again today, but didn’t happen. Got lots of smiles and coo’s, but no actual laughter. At least, now I know he can do it. The other very cute thing he has been doing is blowing bubbles with his drool. At least, “I” think it is cute, but I could be biased, after all, I am the mom.
Last Weeks HIghlights
As predicted, it was a very busy week. Here are some of the highlights.
Monday - I almost got Max and I killed or at least injured in a car accident. I was driving home from Baptism class on Monday night after working all day and then setting up for the election before going to the class. They installed a new busway next to a major street. It is right next to the road with just a walkway/bike path separating them. I guess I haven’t been through that intersection at night. I was stopped at a red light going north and saw the light change and started going. I quickly realized that I had pulled into on-coming traffic. It took me a few seconds to figure out what happened; why no one else was going; and why I was in the middle of an intersection with traffic about to hit me. The backset of lights turned green so the people waiting to turn left could go, but front set of lights stayed red. The light remained green for the folks going East and luckily they were able to stop before hitting me. I was able to reverse before getting hit, but it did get the adrenalin going. Note to self, there are two sets of lights that are not on the same timer. Only go when the first set of lights turns green. Very scary. I have heard there have been several accidents in the week or two since the busyway went live. I can really understand it. It is very confusing.
Tuesday - It was a zoo around here. My garage is the polling place for my precinct. The pollworkers arrived at 6:30 am. The polls were open from 7 am – 8 pm. I helped close everything down and count the ballots. We don’t count the votes, just make sure the submitted ballots match the number of signatures in the roster and that the number of used and un-used ballots match the ballots we were given. On the non-election front, Ana, my cleaning lady, was here along with Niomi, the nanny. First time they were both here at the same time. I think it went okay. Still not certain of the nanny. Asked Ana her opinion. Ana was surprised when I told her Niomi had been a nanny for 15 years, but felt she was very trustworthy and Max would be safe. She said it may be a cultural thing and that she was caring for Max like Hispanic women typically care for their children. I asked what the difference was and basically she said that white women tend to pamper and cater to their children more (my words, not hers). I wonder if there is truth to that. In the mist of all of this, I had to run out and pick up a prescription on the other side of town for Shadow. When I got back, I was told that Max had a major meltdown and finally fell asleep.
Wednesday - Dinner with mom. Helped elderly neighbor get her heater working. We had rainy cool weather and she was using her oven to heat her house. I got my other neighbor to help because I had no idea how to light a pilot light. When we walked in you could just smell the fumes from the oven. Turns out it wasn’t the pilot light, but we got it working. Gave Jean a severe warning about using her oven to heat the house, had her leave her kitchen door open for about 10 min. to let the fumes escape, and told her to come and let me know if she couldn't get it to work gain.
Thursday - Max had another major meltdown in the morning. I was on a work call and couldn’t come out. By the time I finished the meeting, he had fallen asleep. It was very stressful, but not as stressful as it was just a few days ago. When I first went back to work, I probably would have gotten off the phone to see what the problem was. The screams did get to me and broke my concentration a bit, but I was able to carry on the conversation and finish up the call. When I went to go check on the situation, I found out that Niomi washed my very expensive/dry clean only curtains. I thought I had told her that I had them cleaned while pregnant, but they never got re-hung properly and if she had time/was looking for something to do I would love it if she fixed them. She thought I asked her to wash them. No harm/no foul. They survived the wash and we hung them wet to dry no worse for the wear. Although, I did almost start to cry when I found out. Not in front of her. In my office. To her, I said I understood it was an accident and not to worry about it because she did feel very bad. She was just trying to help and do what I want. I just wish I knew when she didn’t really understand me all the way.
Friday - Planned to run out real quick and run some errand, like grocery shopping, during lunch. Went to the store I have used for 10 years not and it was closed up. Had to go to the next closest store which was back tracking and 2 miles further. Store has different layout and it took me a lot longer to find what I needed. Got home late. Was told Max had another inconsolable crying fit and had just fallen asleep. Missed several work related calls while I was gone. Still trying to figure out work org. change. Had several calls on this. I’ve been offered this other position which would take me out of people care and give me a more project focus. I’m leaning towards staying where I am. One of my bosses wants me to take the other position because it will make his job much easier and I am a strong candidate/good fit for it. I told them I could go either way. We will see which position they are able to back fill first. Have call into the guy I would replace in the other position to ask him some questions. Left work early, but later than I wanted, to pick up one friend to go to another friends house for game night. We wanted to get there before the worst of Friday night traffic hit. We had a good time, but managed to not play one game. LOL. Got home late.
Saturday - Dragged myself out of bed and got the dogs hiked. Came home; thawed out the Chili I made last week (made a double batch and served some Tuesday night for the pollworkers) for the Single Mom’s get together; got Max and I fed; showered; loaded up the car; left a bit late, but not too bad. Realized I needed gas. Stopped. As I was pulling on the freeway (making a left turn with a left turn light), I had to break hard to not hit a car making a right turn when they didn’t have the right away and the Chili spilt all over the back of my car. Had a great time at the SMC get together. Stopped by to see a member and her new baby on the way home. Got home; walked dogs; made dinner; gave Max a bath; got him to sleep; crashed out myself.
Sunday - Got interior of car detailed. Chili stain came out of carpet and car no longer smells like burnt Chili. Came home and took a nap. Max took longer nap so I had time to straighten up the house and wash the dishes that had been sitting in the sink since Friday. Had nice day at home with Max, just the two of us.
It’s funny how things work out sometimes. Normally, I take the Baby Bjorn out of the car after I hike, because Max has decided he doesn’t like the slings anymore and I use it for both the morning hike and the evening walk around the neighborhood. On Saturday, I left it in the car just in case I needed it while out. I also put the stroller in the car just because I like to be prepared (former Girl Scout), although that isn’t really germane to this story. When the Chili spilt, it got on the Baby Bjorn as well and I wanted to walk the dogs without waiting for a load of laundry to be washed and dried. So, I went into Max’s closet to see how small the other Baby Bjorn I was given was. I had always assumed it was too small for me, but it isn’t. It worked just fine. Good to know. Now, I can leave one in the car and have one for the house. That simplifies my life just a little bit. And, hanging next to the Baby Bjorn were two crib/car toys that I didn’t realize were there that are perfect for the age Max is now. If the Chile wouldn’t have spilt, I would have never gone to look at the other Baby Bjorn and would have probably not realized I could use it or discovered the toys which had been washed and hung to dry in his closet.
Anyway, it was a busy week, especially being my first full week back to work. I’m glad I didn’t have much going on today so I could rest and recharge for next week. I have a few things going on next week, but not nearly as busy. Then, I am on vacation for a week and leave for Michigan a week from Tuesday for Thanksgiving and his christening. First airplane trip with Max. Yikes, I am so not prepared and haven’t even thought about what I need to take for him. I can back for myself in short order. Packing for us both is going to take some thought.
I’m still not 100% sure of the nanny. Max seems to be fussy and cry much more for her. He has never had an all out cry fest, been completely inconsolable where he just cries himself to sleep with me. Never. Not once. But, I am Mom. And, I have the boob. And, haven’t really trained him with the bottle. He will take the bottle sometimes, but not always. I’m not sure that it would be better with someone else. I trust her not to hurt Max and not let him hurt himself. I trust her enough to actually leave the house. I remind myself that no baby or child has ever died from crying. Max’s eyes do light up when he sees her in the morning and he gives her a big smile so I think he doesn’t completely hate her and probably does actually like her. I just wonder if it would be better with someone else. Not ready to make a change, but am going to monitor the situation through December. If I need to, maybe I will use the 2 weeks I have off around Christmas to interview others. We will see.
Monday - I almost got Max and I killed or at least injured in a car accident. I was driving home from Baptism class on Monday night after working all day and then setting up for the election before going to the class. They installed a new busway next to a major street. It is right next to the road with just a walkway/bike path separating them. I guess I haven’t been through that intersection at night. I was stopped at a red light going north and saw the light change and started going. I quickly realized that I had pulled into on-coming traffic. It took me a few seconds to figure out what happened; why no one else was going; and why I was in the middle of an intersection with traffic about to hit me. The backset of lights turned green so the people waiting to turn left could go, but front set of lights stayed red. The light remained green for the folks going East and luckily they were able to stop before hitting me. I was able to reverse before getting hit, but it did get the adrenalin going. Note to self, there are two sets of lights that are not on the same timer. Only go when the first set of lights turns green. Very scary. I have heard there have been several accidents in the week or two since the busyway went live. I can really understand it. It is very confusing.
Tuesday - It was a zoo around here. My garage is the polling place for my precinct. The pollworkers arrived at 6:30 am. The polls were open from 7 am – 8 pm. I helped close everything down and count the ballots. We don’t count the votes, just make sure the submitted ballots match the number of signatures in the roster and that the number of used and un-used ballots match the ballots we were given. On the non-election front, Ana, my cleaning lady, was here along with Niomi, the nanny. First time they were both here at the same time. I think it went okay. Still not certain of the nanny. Asked Ana her opinion. Ana was surprised when I told her Niomi had been a nanny for 15 years, but felt she was very trustworthy and Max would be safe. She said it may be a cultural thing and that she was caring for Max like Hispanic women typically care for their children. I asked what the difference was and basically she said that white women tend to pamper and cater to their children more (my words, not hers). I wonder if there is truth to that. In the mist of all of this, I had to run out and pick up a prescription on the other side of town for Shadow. When I got back, I was told that Max had a major meltdown and finally fell asleep.
Wednesday - Dinner with mom. Helped elderly neighbor get her heater working. We had rainy cool weather and she was using her oven to heat her house. I got my other neighbor to help because I had no idea how to light a pilot light. When we walked in you could just smell the fumes from the oven. Turns out it wasn’t the pilot light, but we got it working. Gave Jean a severe warning about using her oven to heat the house, had her leave her kitchen door open for about 10 min. to let the fumes escape, and told her to come and let me know if she couldn't get it to work gain.
Thursday - Max had another major meltdown in the morning. I was on a work call and couldn’t come out. By the time I finished the meeting, he had fallen asleep. It was very stressful, but not as stressful as it was just a few days ago. When I first went back to work, I probably would have gotten off the phone to see what the problem was. The screams did get to me and broke my concentration a bit, but I was able to carry on the conversation and finish up the call. When I went to go check on the situation, I found out that Niomi washed my very expensive/dry clean only curtains. I thought I had told her that I had them cleaned while pregnant, but they never got re-hung properly and if she had time/was looking for something to do I would love it if she fixed them. She thought I asked her to wash them. No harm/no foul. They survived the wash and we hung them wet to dry no worse for the wear. Although, I did almost start to cry when I found out. Not in front of her. In my office. To her, I said I understood it was an accident and not to worry about it because she did feel very bad. She was just trying to help and do what I want. I just wish I knew when she didn’t really understand me all the way.
Friday - Planned to run out real quick and run some errand, like grocery shopping, during lunch. Went to the store I have used for 10 years not and it was closed up. Had to go to the next closest store which was back tracking and 2 miles further. Store has different layout and it took me a lot longer to find what I needed. Got home late. Was told Max had another inconsolable crying fit and had just fallen asleep. Missed several work related calls while I was gone. Still trying to figure out work org. change. Had several calls on this. I’ve been offered this other position which would take me out of people care and give me a more project focus. I’m leaning towards staying where I am. One of my bosses wants me to take the other position because it will make his job much easier and I am a strong candidate/good fit for it. I told them I could go either way. We will see which position they are able to back fill first. Have call into the guy I would replace in the other position to ask him some questions. Left work early, but later than I wanted, to pick up one friend to go to another friends house for game night. We wanted to get there before the worst of Friday night traffic hit. We had a good time, but managed to not play one game. LOL. Got home late.
Saturday - Dragged myself out of bed and got the dogs hiked. Came home; thawed out the Chili I made last week (made a double batch and served some Tuesday night for the pollworkers) for the Single Mom’s get together; got Max and I fed; showered; loaded up the car; left a bit late, but not too bad. Realized I needed gas. Stopped. As I was pulling on the freeway (making a left turn with a left turn light), I had to break hard to not hit a car making a right turn when they didn’t have the right away and the Chili spilt all over the back of my car. Had a great time at the SMC get together. Stopped by to see a member and her new baby on the way home. Got home; walked dogs; made dinner; gave Max a bath; got him to sleep; crashed out myself.
Sunday - Got interior of car detailed. Chili stain came out of carpet and car no longer smells like burnt Chili. Came home and took a nap. Max took longer nap so I had time to straighten up the house and wash the dishes that had been sitting in the sink since Friday. Had nice day at home with Max, just the two of us.
It’s funny how things work out sometimes. Normally, I take the Baby Bjorn out of the car after I hike, because Max has decided he doesn’t like the slings anymore and I use it for both the morning hike and the evening walk around the neighborhood. On Saturday, I left it in the car just in case I needed it while out. I also put the stroller in the car just because I like to be prepared (former Girl Scout), although that isn’t really germane to this story. When the Chili spilt, it got on the Baby Bjorn as well and I wanted to walk the dogs without waiting for a load of laundry to be washed and dried. So, I went into Max’s closet to see how small the other Baby Bjorn I was given was. I had always assumed it was too small for me, but it isn’t. It worked just fine. Good to know. Now, I can leave one in the car and have one for the house. That simplifies my life just a little bit. And, hanging next to the Baby Bjorn were two crib/car toys that I didn’t realize were there that are perfect for the age Max is now. If the Chile wouldn’t have spilt, I would have never gone to look at the other Baby Bjorn and would have probably not realized I could use it or discovered the toys which had been washed and hung to dry in his closet.
Anyway, it was a busy week, especially being my first full week back to work. I’m glad I didn’t have much going on today so I could rest and recharge for next week. I have a few things going on next week, but not nearly as busy. Then, I am on vacation for a week and leave for Michigan a week from Tuesday for Thanksgiving and his christening. First airplane trip with Max. Yikes, I am so not prepared and haven’t even thought about what I need to take for him. I can back for myself in short order. Packing for us both is going to take some thought.
I’m still not 100% sure of the nanny. Max seems to be fussy and cry much more for her. He has never had an all out cry fest, been completely inconsolable where he just cries himself to sleep with me. Never. Not once. But, I am Mom. And, I have the boob. And, haven’t really trained him with the bottle. He will take the bottle sometimes, but not always. I’m not sure that it would be better with someone else. I trust her not to hurt Max and not let him hurt himself. I trust her enough to actually leave the house. I remind myself that no baby or child has ever died from crying. Max’s eyes do light up when he sees her in the morning and he gives her a big smile so I think he doesn’t completely hate her and probably does actually like her. I just wonder if it would be better with someone else. Not ready to make a change, but am going to monitor the situation through December. If I need to, maybe I will use the 2 weeks I have off around Christmas to interview others. We will see.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Busy Week
Got a back to back busy week here. Don’t think I will have time to post unless I use “work” time to do it. And, I am still trying to get caught up after being out for so long. Things are fine, but have a full work week, baptism classes, election (garage is polling place for my precinct), and some social get together’s planned. I’m very tired and it is only Tuesday. Calgone…take me away.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Coo’ing in Crib
Max is coo’ing in his crib at the moment. I’m trying to get him to take at least one nap in his crib during the day. He was almost asleep in my arms after “lunch” so I decided to put him down in his crib. As soon as he was put down, he was wide awake. He is talking a bit, but not crying so I am going to leave him be for awhile and see what happens.
He has basically slept through the night the last two nights. On Friday night, we both fell asleep around 8 pm (yep, pretty exciting around here!). He woke up twice to eat (after 6 hours, then 3 hours, I think, kinda foggy memory), but then fell right back to sleep. Last night, he went to bed at 8 (I managed another hour or two of uptime before crashing) and slept 8 straight hours. He woke up at 4 am ate for 20 minutes, then played around and coo’d for about 20 minutes, then fell back asleep until 7 am. Very nice schedule. Of course, it will never work during the week because I need to get out to walk the dogs much earlier so I can get back for work.
Anyway, the point is that now that he is close to sleeping through the night, I need to think about moving him from the co-sleeper to his crib. And, I want him to be comfortable doing so during the day before we make that switch.
The problem is that during the day, he has no set sleep pattern (or any other pattern for that matter). Yesterday, he fell asleep for about 40 min. in his car seat while I was running errands and then again about an hour in my arms around 4pm. That’s it. I tried to lay down with him and take a nap around 1 pm, but he was just not interested. He played and coo’d and had a jolly time, but no sleep. I gave up around 3 ish. He slept 1 hour 40 minutes all day. That is it. I have heard that babies are supposed to sleep a lot more during the day. Advice from any mommie’s out there? Is this normal?
Some day’s he will just catnap on and off all day. Other day’s he will sleep for 2 or 3 hours, although both Niomi and I start checking him and shaking our head because that is really not the normal for him.
Hmm. This baby stuff can be hard to figure out sometimes.
Just checked, not yet asleep (or really even looking close to it), but he is just laying there moving his legs up and down kicking the mattress. Looking content, so I left him and snuck back out. BTW, when he see’s me checking him, he just looks at me and doesn’t cry or anything. I think this is a good sign. Okay, he’s back to coo’ing and talking now. LOL>
In other news, Lucky got into a dog fight (literally) with my friend Heather’s dog Daphne this morning. Neither dog was hurt. I ran into her and her friend Sean, who is visiting from England, on the trail with Heather’s two dogs. As Heather said, they have been wanting to mix it up for awhile now. Lucky and Daphne have really never liked each other. They tolerated each other, but there was no love lost between them. We have had them together and ….
…post interrupted….
Max started crying. Went and picked him up. Got him calm. Dogs started going crazy. Inspector for Tuesday’s election was at the gate. Ignored him. Got Max calm. Fed him again. He started dozing off. Put him in the crib again. Success. Decided to take nice relaxing shower and wash my hair. Checked Max. Still asleep. Got dressed and blew dry half of my hair. Checked Max. Awake. Drat. I think that was 20 – 25 min.
Made progress. Got him to fall asleep and wake up in crib without crying. Now, how do I explain what I want done and how I want it done to Niomi. Well, I will save that one for tomorrow.
Things have been better with Niomi since I had that last talk. She isn’t in Max’s face ove stimulating him. He is much less fussy. I am much less on edge. Niomi is more comfortable and less on edge. We are making progress.
Okay, got to go.
He has basically slept through the night the last two nights. On Friday night, we both fell asleep around 8 pm (yep, pretty exciting around here!). He woke up twice to eat (after 6 hours, then 3 hours, I think, kinda foggy memory), but then fell right back to sleep. Last night, he went to bed at 8 (I managed another hour or two of uptime before crashing) and slept 8 straight hours. He woke up at 4 am ate for 20 minutes, then played around and coo’d for about 20 minutes, then fell back asleep until 7 am. Very nice schedule. Of course, it will never work during the week because I need to get out to walk the dogs much earlier so I can get back for work.
Anyway, the point is that now that he is close to sleeping through the night, I need to think about moving him from the co-sleeper to his crib. And, I want him to be comfortable doing so during the day before we make that switch.
The problem is that during the day, he has no set sleep pattern (or any other pattern for that matter). Yesterday, he fell asleep for about 40 min. in his car seat while I was running errands and then again about an hour in my arms around 4pm. That’s it. I tried to lay down with him and take a nap around 1 pm, but he was just not interested. He played and coo’d and had a jolly time, but no sleep. I gave up around 3 ish. He slept 1 hour 40 minutes all day. That is it. I have heard that babies are supposed to sleep a lot more during the day. Advice from any mommie’s out there? Is this normal?
Some day’s he will just catnap on and off all day. Other day’s he will sleep for 2 or 3 hours, although both Niomi and I start checking him and shaking our head because that is really not the normal for him.
Hmm. This baby stuff can be hard to figure out sometimes.
Just checked, not yet asleep (or really even looking close to it), but he is just laying there moving his legs up and down kicking the mattress. Looking content, so I left him and snuck back out. BTW, when he see’s me checking him, he just looks at me and doesn’t cry or anything. I think this is a good sign. Okay, he’s back to coo’ing and talking now. LOL>
In other news, Lucky got into a dog fight (literally) with my friend Heather’s dog Daphne this morning. Neither dog was hurt. I ran into her and her friend Sean, who is visiting from England, on the trail with Heather’s two dogs. As Heather said, they have been wanting to mix it up for awhile now. Lucky and Daphne have really never liked each other. They tolerated each other, but there was no love lost between them. We have had them together and ….
…post interrupted….
Max started crying. Went and picked him up. Got him calm. Dogs started going crazy. Inspector for Tuesday’s election was at the gate. Ignored him. Got Max calm. Fed him again. He started dozing off. Put him in the crib again. Success. Decided to take nice relaxing shower and wash my hair. Checked Max. Still asleep. Got dressed and blew dry half of my hair. Checked Max. Awake. Drat. I think that was 20 – 25 min.
Made progress. Got him to fall asleep and wake up in crib without crying. Now, how do I explain what I want done and how I want it done to Niomi. Well, I will save that one for tomorrow.
Things have been better with Niomi since I had that last talk. She isn’t in Max’s face ove stimulating him. He is much less fussy. I am much less on edge. Niomi is more comfortable and less on edge. We are making progress.
Okay, got to go.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
First Day Back
Last night, Max fell asleep in his crib for the first time. I was talking to a friend on the phone (got a new wireless headset on sale cheep at The Good Guys which is going out of business) and went into his room to change him and put on his sleeper. After I finished, I put him in his crib and sat in the chair talking while he looked around and coo’d for about 20 minutes and then just fell asleep. I am very happy about this and think I will try to establish this as the new routine. I did move him to my room/the co-sleeper when I went to bed because I am not ready for him to be so far away during the night yet. He has been waking up still at least once to eat. Last night, it was twice AND he was up at 5 all smiles and ready to play. I had to laugh since it was the least amount of sleep I have gotten in awhile and my first day back to work.
Back to work has gone okay. My team called a little after 9 to wish me welcome back just as Niomi brought me Max to feed. He wasn’t really hungry, but tired and was having a meltdown while I was on the phone and couldn’t go on mute. Great! I just laughed it off and said that we are still working out some of the kinks in the going back to work routine.
On the nanny front, things have seemed to go a little bit better after I had my last talk with Niomi about not having to be in Max’s face and entertaining him every second if he is content. I explained that he needed to also learn to play on his own and be independent otherwise as he grew older it would be a problem. I didn’t want her to ignore him to get cleaning done, but she didn’t have to be constantly stimulating him. I think maybe we are finally striking a balance. I guess we are all just getting more comfortable and used to each others personalities and styles.
I’m tired and counting the minutes until I am “done” working for the day so I can hold and cuddle my little guy. Not to say I haven’t seen him and held him a few times today. I fed him twice and Niomi gave him a bottle once and I watched him play while I pumped once. I’m so fortunate that I work from home and have that chance. It is worth the hassle and invasion of privacy by having someone in my home.
I need to get a better phone and headset in place to really make things ideal. Maybe by early next week I will have settled back in fully.
Back to work has gone okay. My team called a little after 9 to wish me welcome back just as Niomi brought me Max to feed. He wasn’t really hungry, but tired and was having a meltdown while I was on the phone and couldn’t go on mute. Great! I just laughed it off and said that we are still working out some of the kinks in the going back to work routine.
On the nanny front, things have seemed to go a little bit better after I had my last talk with Niomi about not having to be in Max’s face and entertaining him every second if he is content. I explained that he needed to also learn to play on his own and be independent otherwise as he grew older it would be a problem. I didn’t want her to ignore him to get cleaning done, but she didn’t have to be constantly stimulating him. I think maybe we are finally striking a balance. I guess we are all just getting more comfortable and used to each others personalities and styles.
I’m tired and counting the minutes until I am “done” working for the day so I can hold and cuddle my little guy. Not to say I haven’t seen him and held him a few times today. I fed him twice and Niomi gave him a bottle once and I watched him play while I pumped once. I’m so fortunate that I work from home and have that chance. It is worth the hassle and invasion of privacy by having someone in my home.
I need to get a better phone and headset in place to really make things ideal. Maybe by early next week I will have settled back in fully.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Change is hard!!!
I am so good at pointing that out to others and I had to point it out to myself. It is hard enough when you have one part of your life in flux, much harder the more change that you have. And, I have a lot of change going on. I could go into detail about the whole change curve and the stages a person goes through, basically denial, the valley of despair, and acceptance. Actually, there is another stage in there between denial and valley of despair…avoidance I think. I think it is safe to say that yesterday I was in the valley of despair.
I’ve been doing a lot of self analysis trying to figure out what, exactly, is bugging me. Yesterday, I knew that something was off, but didn’t know what…just that I felt really bad. Today, I think I have figured it out. At least most of it. Like most things in life it is multifaceted.
1) Invasion of Space/Privacy
2) Noise/Crying
3) Parenting Style
4) Work
5) Separation anxiety
I like being alone. I like my space. I like living alone. I am used to living alone and having everything done my way. It is hard having someone else here and around. She makes my bed. She washes and puts away my laundry. She is in my drawers and closets and cupboards. She folds my clothes differently than I do. She hangs things I would put in a drawer. It bugs me, but I think I can live with it. I don’t like having my bed made. It seems like such a waste. Every night I just have to put it back the way I wanted it/left it. I know that some people would really like it. It bugs me, but I think I can live with it. When she is making my bed, she puts the breastfeeding pillow and my remote in Max’s co-sleeper. I don’t think I can live with that. I want nothing in the crib/co-sleeper but Max and the little triangles to keep him in place. It’s just me. Anyway, the point is that as we have been transitioning, I have increased Niomi’s hours so she is around and in my space more. If I am going to have an in-home nanny, I need to get used to having my space invaded to a certain extent. This, per se, is not a Niomi issue, it would bug me whoever was here, but I need to identify what I can live with and what I can’t. Those that bug me enough that I want done my way, I need to say something to her about it. If she continues to do it after I talk to her, then it is an issue. I need to spend more time thinking about what I can and can’t live with, but I feel a lot better having identified that I was being invaded.
I don’t like loud noises. I never have. They physically hurt my ears and cause me stress and anxiety. Many people, especially if they live alone will have the radio or TV on in the background for noise. I almost never do this. I like the quiet. When I do listen to music or TV, I usually keep the volume just low enough so that I can hear it. When Niomi is trying to entertain or distract Max, she is loud. When we went to the dr. the other day, she spent half the car ride shaking rattles in his face. I wanted to shout, PLEASE STOP. PLEASE SHUT UP. When we got to the waiting room, they had some toys for children and again, she got in his face and started moving them and making noise. Again, I wanted to shout, PLEASE STOP. PLEASE BE QUIET. I didn’t because although I was worried she was over-stimulating him, he wasn’t crying or fussy. I realize now that it wasn’t about Max. It was me that was getting over stimulated and projecting my feelings. On the noise, I really can’t take it. It is stressing me out all over again just thinking about it. I can close my office door when I work to filter out most of it. This is a style thing. Not sure if it is a deal breaker or not.
Crying babies have always grated on my nerves and stressed me out. People have said to me many times that it is different (meaning better, easier to take) when it is your own. I have also come to discover and in the last day recognize and admit that it is WORSE for me when it is my own. Max’s high pitch cry’s screams hurt my ears and causes me physical anxiety. In some of the reading I have done (more of the Baby Whisperer), while I logically know that all babies cry and it is their only way to communicate, inside I feel like BABY CRY=BAD MOMMY. On top of the other reading that I have done that says that babies feel insecure and won’t develop trust if you let them cry. A good friend asked me where I read that and we reviewed the pages together. Lucky she had the same book. It made me realize that I hadn’t read or absorb the parts that all babies will cry and sometimes you can’t settle them down. I filtered that right out. The crying thing is MY issue. It would be an issue no matter who the care giver is. It is hard enough when he cries when I am in charge. It is much, much harder to have him cry and listening to someone else try to settle him. This is a “me” issue that I need to work through. However, I am not sure that I like the way that Niomi tries to sooth him, because it is too loud for me, making me much more anxious. Adding fuel to the fire. I do like it when she takes him out of the house away from me. I hope that the walking and fresh air sooth him, but really…incessant crying and fussiness, especially in my own son, ties my stomach in not and winds me tighter than get out.
I talked to two SMC’s yesterday who both love their nanny’s. I wanted to find out if they grew to feel that way over time or had an instant connection. It was a split decision. The one thing they both said was that it was important to find a nanny who reflected, as closely as possible, your parenting style. The problem is that I am still defining my parenting style. Both of the people I talked with had an older child then became pregnant with twins on their second attempt. After talking to them and mulling things over, I realized that they already had their parenting style established at the point they hired a nanny. I’m still working on mine. I’m not always sure what I want, but I know what I don’t want when I see it. It is much easier to find what you are looking for when you know what it is instead of what it is not. This one is going to take some time. My cousin equated it to dating. With each person you date, you find out more about yourself and what you do/do not want in a spouse. This is a scary one because obviously, I never found exactly what I wanted in a spouse. Maybe, I won’t find what I am looking for in a nanny, exactly, in a nanny either. However, it may take a few “dates”. I’m not ready to make a change yet. When I bought my house, I had a typed up list of my “must haves”, my “no ways”, and my “nice to haves”. I knew exactly what I was looking for and recognized it when I saw it. I need to spend more time thinking about this and to do the same thing for a nanny. Once I do this, I can put Niomi against my criteria to see how she matches up. I need to do more homework here. Until then, I can’t and shouldn’t make a change.
With all of this, as I have mentioned, I am not happy about changes that are going on at work or having to go back to work.
I guess it is no wonder I have been feeling so emotional and out of sorts. There has been a lot going on. There is a lot of change right now in my life.
Some people say/believe that everything happens for a reason. My friend C and I were talking the other day about my “golden” nanny, the one who flaked on me a few Mondays ago, the one I would have hired off the bat if money weren’t an issue. If she hadn’t of flaked, I would have fired Niomi and hired her in a hot minute. We both laughed, knowing that I would have even though she really is more expensive than I can comfortably afford. Just think, then I would have missed out on all of this personal growth and self awareness.
What I need to do is take what attracted me to “golden” nanny and identify that, put that into a list along with what I have learned bugs me about Niomi and see what I come up with.
In a discussion a few weeks ago on a unrelated topic, sort of, about paying nanny’s under or above the table, someone pointed that there are basically two types of people -- rule followers and rule breakers. As much as I would like it to be differently, I am inherently a rule follower. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. If you apply this to parenting, it can be very difficult. One person says things should be done this way. Another book says it should be done that way. I need to realize and recognize, as a rule follower, as much as I would like my list of “rules” that tell me the way to be the best parent each person has their own set of rules. I need to set and establish mine and what will work for Max and I. This is going to take time. I need to stop feeling bad and trying to measure myself against anyone else because my kid isn’t on a schedule or is on a schedule or I give him the boob too much or I let him cry too much or I don’t let him cry enough. I need to stop feeling bad and start recognizing that everyone is different and need to find what they can live with. I need to find out what I can and can’t live with. Again, this is going to take time and it may change over time. Cognitive parenting. I think I can live with establishing and changing my philosophy as Max and I both grow and learn together. I can have him in a S.E.A.E.S routine (Sleep, Eat, Activity, Eat, Sleep) instead of a E.A.S.Y. routine (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You) if I want. Yes, maybe I am pacifying him. Yes, maybe I am projecting my feelings onto Max because I don’t like to go to sleep hungry and I don’t think he would either. I can do it. It is my prerogative, because I am the mom.
I’m not sure if what I have said even makes sense and I am not going to re-read it now to check. However, it has been therapeutic to identify the issues and to get this out. I still have a lot of work to do, but I feel like I have made great strides. I know now why I was feeling so badly. I have actionable steps to take to fix some of it. Others, it is enough for me to just be aware of. Who knew that having a kid could invoke such personal growth?
Now, I am off to lunch with a girlfriend I thought I would see and spend much more time with while I was out on leave and haven’t.
Ugh! Tomorrow, I go back to work.
I’ve been doing a lot of self analysis trying to figure out what, exactly, is bugging me. Yesterday, I knew that something was off, but didn’t know what…just that I felt really bad. Today, I think I have figured it out. At least most of it. Like most things in life it is multifaceted.
1) Invasion of Space/Privacy
2) Noise/Crying
3) Parenting Style
4) Work
5) Separation anxiety
I like being alone. I like my space. I like living alone. I am used to living alone and having everything done my way. It is hard having someone else here and around. She makes my bed. She washes and puts away my laundry. She is in my drawers and closets and cupboards. She folds my clothes differently than I do. She hangs things I would put in a drawer. It bugs me, but I think I can live with it. I don’t like having my bed made. It seems like such a waste. Every night I just have to put it back the way I wanted it/left it. I know that some people would really like it. It bugs me, but I think I can live with it. When she is making my bed, she puts the breastfeeding pillow and my remote in Max’s co-sleeper. I don’t think I can live with that. I want nothing in the crib/co-sleeper but Max and the little triangles to keep him in place. It’s just me. Anyway, the point is that as we have been transitioning, I have increased Niomi’s hours so she is around and in my space more. If I am going to have an in-home nanny, I need to get used to having my space invaded to a certain extent. This, per se, is not a Niomi issue, it would bug me whoever was here, but I need to identify what I can live with and what I can’t. Those that bug me enough that I want done my way, I need to say something to her about it. If she continues to do it after I talk to her, then it is an issue. I need to spend more time thinking about what I can and can’t live with, but I feel a lot better having identified that I was being invaded.
I don’t like loud noises. I never have. They physically hurt my ears and cause me stress and anxiety. Many people, especially if they live alone will have the radio or TV on in the background for noise. I almost never do this. I like the quiet. When I do listen to music or TV, I usually keep the volume just low enough so that I can hear it. When Niomi is trying to entertain or distract Max, she is loud. When we went to the dr. the other day, she spent half the car ride shaking rattles in his face. I wanted to shout, PLEASE STOP. PLEASE SHUT UP. When we got to the waiting room, they had some toys for children and again, she got in his face and started moving them and making noise. Again, I wanted to shout, PLEASE STOP. PLEASE BE QUIET. I didn’t because although I was worried she was over-stimulating him, he wasn’t crying or fussy. I realize now that it wasn’t about Max. It was me that was getting over stimulated and projecting my feelings. On the noise, I really can’t take it. It is stressing me out all over again just thinking about it. I can close my office door when I work to filter out most of it. This is a style thing. Not sure if it is a deal breaker or not.
Crying babies have always grated on my nerves and stressed me out. People have said to me many times that it is different (meaning better, easier to take) when it is your own. I have also come to discover and in the last day recognize and admit that it is WORSE for me when it is my own. Max’s high pitch cry’s screams hurt my ears and causes me physical anxiety. In some of the reading I have done (more of the Baby Whisperer), while I logically know that all babies cry and it is their only way to communicate, inside I feel like BABY CRY=BAD MOMMY. On top of the other reading that I have done that says that babies feel insecure and won’t develop trust if you let them cry. A good friend asked me where I read that and we reviewed the pages together. Lucky she had the same book. It made me realize that I hadn’t read or absorb the parts that all babies will cry and sometimes you can’t settle them down. I filtered that right out. The crying thing is MY issue. It would be an issue no matter who the care giver is. It is hard enough when he cries when I am in charge. It is much, much harder to have him cry and listening to someone else try to settle him. This is a “me” issue that I need to work through. However, I am not sure that I like the way that Niomi tries to sooth him, because it is too loud for me, making me much more anxious. Adding fuel to the fire. I do like it when she takes him out of the house away from me. I hope that the walking and fresh air sooth him, but really…incessant crying and fussiness, especially in my own son, ties my stomach in not and winds me tighter than get out.
I talked to two SMC’s yesterday who both love their nanny’s. I wanted to find out if they grew to feel that way over time or had an instant connection. It was a split decision. The one thing they both said was that it was important to find a nanny who reflected, as closely as possible, your parenting style. The problem is that I am still defining my parenting style. Both of the people I talked with had an older child then became pregnant with twins on their second attempt. After talking to them and mulling things over, I realized that they already had their parenting style established at the point they hired a nanny. I’m still working on mine. I’m not always sure what I want, but I know what I don’t want when I see it. It is much easier to find what you are looking for when you know what it is instead of what it is not. This one is going to take some time. My cousin equated it to dating. With each person you date, you find out more about yourself and what you do/do not want in a spouse. This is a scary one because obviously, I never found exactly what I wanted in a spouse. Maybe, I won’t find what I am looking for in a nanny, exactly, in a nanny either. However, it may take a few “dates”. I’m not ready to make a change yet. When I bought my house, I had a typed up list of my “must haves”, my “no ways”, and my “nice to haves”. I knew exactly what I was looking for and recognized it when I saw it. I need to spend more time thinking about this and to do the same thing for a nanny. Once I do this, I can put Niomi against my criteria to see how she matches up. I need to do more homework here. Until then, I can’t and shouldn’t make a change.
With all of this, as I have mentioned, I am not happy about changes that are going on at work or having to go back to work.
I guess it is no wonder I have been feeling so emotional and out of sorts. There has been a lot going on. There is a lot of change right now in my life.
Some people say/believe that everything happens for a reason. My friend C and I were talking the other day about my “golden” nanny, the one who flaked on me a few Mondays ago, the one I would have hired off the bat if money weren’t an issue. If she hadn’t of flaked, I would have fired Niomi and hired her in a hot minute. We both laughed, knowing that I would have even though she really is more expensive than I can comfortably afford. Just think, then I would have missed out on all of this personal growth and self awareness.
What I need to do is take what attracted me to “golden” nanny and identify that, put that into a list along with what I have learned bugs me about Niomi and see what I come up with.
In a discussion a few weeks ago on a unrelated topic, sort of, about paying nanny’s under or above the table, someone pointed that there are basically two types of people -- rule followers and rule breakers. As much as I would like it to be differently, I am inherently a rule follower. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. If you apply this to parenting, it can be very difficult. One person says things should be done this way. Another book says it should be done that way. I need to realize and recognize, as a rule follower, as much as I would like my list of “rules” that tell me the way to be the best parent each person has their own set of rules. I need to set and establish mine and what will work for Max and I. This is going to take time. I need to stop feeling bad and trying to measure myself against anyone else because my kid isn’t on a schedule or is on a schedule or I give him the boob too much or I let him cry too much or I don’t let him cry enough. I need to stop feeling bad and start recognizing that everyone is different and need to find what they can live with. I need to find out what I can and can’t live with. Again, this is going to take time and it may change over time. Cognitive parenting. I think I can live with establishing and changing my philosophy as Max and I both grow and learn together. I can have him in a S.E.A.E.S routine (Sleep, Eat, Activity, Eat, Sleep) instead of a E.A.S.Y. routine (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You) if I want. Yes, maybe I am pacifying him. Yes, maybe I am projecting my feelings onto Max because I don’t like to go to sleep hungry and I don’t think he would either. I can do it. It is my prerogative, because I am the mom.
I’m not sure if what I have said even makes sense and I am not going to re-read it now to check. However, it has been therapeutic to identify the issues and to get this out. I still have a lot of work to do, but I feel like I have made great strides. I know now why I was feeling so badly. I have actionable steps to take to fix some of it. Others, it is enough for me to just be aware of. Who knew that having a kid could invoke such personal growth?
Now, I am off to lunch with a girlfriend I thought I would see and spend much more time with while I was out on leave and haven’t.
Ugh! Tomorrow, I go back to work.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Emotional and Grouchy
Dreading going back to work. A LOT!! Can and have crying at the littlest things. Not sure I have hired the right nanny. Not sure if it is me or her or both. Started a long blog about it and what I liked and didn’t, but didn’t get it finished. Getting nothing done. Nothing is making me happy. Everything is annoying me. I have a headache. The mole that the Dr. put liquid nitrogen yesterday hurts. Yep, I’m in a down right foul mood. Doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, I really do it up.
Talked to several other SMC’s today that have nanny’s and thinking about interviewing some more. Thank God for that group and the friends and acquaintances I have met through it. They have been enormously helpful and wonderful resources. So I guess not everything is black/doom and gloom.
Not sure if I am going to make a change with the nanny, but do think I am going to look around a bit more. If I find something better, great. If not fine.
I’m worried that the problem isn’t with the nanny, but with me. Maybe no one will be “right” because it isn’t me.
The SMC’s have given me good advice and said to talk to my current nanny about what is bugging me and give her another week or two to see how it goes. If not, trust my instant and make a change.
Thank you to the SMC’s have given their opinions and shared their thoughts and suggestions. Thank you to my friend C who has listened to me bitch and moan and cry on and off all day.
I have heard it said and read that “it takes a village” to raise a child. Today, I needed my village.
Off to wipe my latest set of tears and go play with my son.
Talked to several other SMC’s today that have nanny’s and thinking about interviewing some more. Thank God for that group and the friends and acquaintances I have met through it. They have been enormously helpful and wonderful resources. So I guess not everything is black/doom and gloom.
Not sure if I am going to make a change with the nanny, but do think I am going to look around a bit more. If I find something better, great. If not fine.
I’m worried that the problem isn’t with the nanny, but with me. Maybe no one will be “right” because it isn’t me.
The SMC’s have given me good advice and said to talk to my current nanny about what is bugging me and give her another week or two to see how it goes. If not, trust my instant and make a change.
Thank you to the SMC’s have given their opinions and shared their thoughts and suggestions. Thank you to my friend C who has listened to me bitch and moan and cry on and off all day.
I have heard it said and read that “it takes a village” to raise a child. Today, I needed my village.
Off to wipe my latest set of tears and go play with my son.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Ultimate Paranoia
I had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon with my primary care physician (PCP). I had quite a few moles, skin flaps, and freckles appear and/or darken while I was pregnant that I wanted to get checked out. My mom had some skin cancer a few years ago and I spend way more time outside in the sun that she ever has. Under the adage of better to be safe than sorry, I set up an appointment.
No, that’s not what I was paranoid about. My PCP is about 30 miles (or in Los Angeles speak about 45 – 60 min.) away from my house. And, I didn’t want to leave Max for it. It just seems so far away and all of the natural disasters are too fresh in my mind/memory. If something happened like an earthquake, I didn’t want to be so physically far away from him. I have been worrying about this for a week or so. I kept telling myself that I was being stupid, silly, paranoid, etc. and to get over it. But, I was still very anxious about it and no amount of self-talk was helping. Finally, I decided to “own” my feelings and realize that they were valid and they were real. As a result, I dragged Max and the nanny to the doctor’s office with me. I have a follow up appointment in early December. Maybe I will be less paranoid then.
I am leaving Max for short periods of time to run errands and go to the store, but if needed I could walk home within a reasonable amount of time. It is no longer about leaving him, but leaving him and going far enough away that I would have difficulty getting to him if there was a problem or disaster.
I have fully acknowledged and accepted my paranoia for what it is.
In other news, I finally did get the results back from Lucky’s ultra sound on Friday. I had to get upset and start crying on the phone telling the vets office that I didn’t believe them when they told me yet again I would get a call back from the doctor and that I thought they were cruel for making me wait so long when I have been so worried. The dr. didn’t even have the decency to get on the phone herself, but sent the technician to give it to me. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Lucky still isn’t 100% and I saw her in the back yard vomiting an hour or so ago. I’m going to watch her another day or two, then maybe take her into my regular vet.
Happy Halloween!! It was so hot hear today we had to take Max’s Halloween outfit off early. And, I leaked breast milk all over mine right before I left for the doctor so I had to change. I have candy, but am so tired that I’m not sure I will keep my light on for long. I am eating dinner now before Niomi leaves. Then, I plan on walking the dogs with Max and settling in.
Max never did wake up last night in his crib like I wanted him to. I ended up moving him to the co-sleeper when I went to bed and he briefly opened his eyes to see where he was and fell right back to sleep. He fell asleep at 7:30 pm and slept until 12:30 am (5 hours), ate for about 30 minutes, and fell back asleep for another 2.5 hours. Then, he wanted to be up and play. His mama was not ready, but he was so cute and in such a good mood that I smiled and made more eye contact that I should have. It is hard not to. We both dozed off at some point, but were up at 6 and out the door by 7 am. I have been dragging a bit all day.
Hey, lack of sleep, anxity, and paranoia can ware on person, you know.
No, that’s not what I was paranoid about. My PCP is about 30 miles (or in Los Angeles speak about 45 – 60 min.) away from my house. And, I didn’t want to leave Max for it. It just seems so far away and all of the natural disasters are too fresh in my mind/memory. If something happened like an earthquake, I didn’t want to be so physically far away from him. I have been worrying about this for a week or so. I kept telling myself that I was being stupid, silly, paranoid, etc. and to get over it. But, I was still very anxious about it and no amount of self-talk was helping. Finally, I decided to “own” my feelings and realize that they were valid and they were real. As a result, I dragged Max and the nanny to the doctor’s office with me. I have a follow up appointment in early December. Maybe I will be less paranoid then.
I am leaving Max for short periods of time to run errands and go to the store, but if needed I could walk home within a reasonable amount of time. It is no longer about leaving him, but leaving him and going far enough away that I would have difficulty getting to him if there was a problem or disaster.
I have fully acknowledged and accepted my paranoia for what it is.
In other news, I finally did get the results back from Lucky’s ultra sound on Friday. I had to get upset and start crying on the phone telling the vets office that I didn’t believe them when they told me yet again I would get a call back from the doctor and that I thought they were cruel for making me wait so long when I have been so worried. The dr. didn’t even have the decency to get on the phone herself, but sent the technician to give it to me. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Lucky still isn’t 100% and I saw her in the back yard vomiting an hour or so ago. I’m going to watch her another day or two, then maybe take her into my regular vet.
Happy Halloween!! It was so hot hear today we had to take Max’s Halloween outfit off early. And, I leaked breast milk all over mine right before I left for the doctor so I had to change. I have candy, but am so tired that I’m not sure I will keep my light on for long. I am eating dinner now before Niomi leaves. Then, I plan on walking the dogs with Max and settling in.
Max never did wake up last night in his crib like I wanted him to. I ended up moving him to the co-sleeper when I went to bed and he briefly opened his eyes to see where he was and fell right back to sleep. He fell asleep at 7:30 pm and slept until 12:30 am (5 hours), ate for about 30 minutes, and fell back asleep for another 2.5 hours. Then, he wanted to be up and play. His mama was not ready, but he was so cute and in such a good mood that I smiled and made more eye contact that I should have. It is hard not to. We both dozed off at some point, but were up at 6 and out the door by 7 am. I have been dragging a bit all day.
Hey, lack of sleep, anxity, and paranoia can ware on person, you know.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Much better day
My happy baby came back last night after I posted. We took a bath and he splashed and played and smiled and laughed. Very fun! I fed him one last time and he was out like a light. We both had a good night sleep with one short feeding session around 2 I think. I don’t think either of us fully woke up for it.
Today, he woke up in a good mood and pretty much stayed that way all day. Got a little fussy this afternoon, but I now know the “gas” scream and gave him the medicine much quicker and short cycled a major meltdown.
We did a bunch of errands and then my mom came for a very simple dinner. We had a nice walk and Max is now napping in his crib. I always worry a bit when he sleeps for a long time around this time of night that he won’t be ready to sleep at a decent hour (for me) or will be up during the night and want to play. I’m told sleep begets sleep and I’m sure not going to wake him up if moving him from my lap and putting him in his crib doesn’t do it, he really needs it.
I’m starting to make a conscious effort to transition Max into sleeping in his crib. I’m not ready to have him sleep there at night, but I am putting him in the crib during the day if he isn’t napping in the swing or his car seat or bouncy. After changing him, I have been placing him there for a few minutes to wash my hands or do short things. I am also playing with him a bit more and have fed him a few times in his room. I’m trying to get him used to sights and the smells.
I’m reading the Baby Whisperer book. I read some of it while I was pregnant, but it is much more meaningful reading it now that Max is here and we have lived together for awhile. The author is a big proponent of a schedule and doesn’t think highly of feeding on demand. She says every child can be put onto an E.A.S.Y. (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You) schedule. I have paid more attention today and our schedule is more like Sleep, Eat, Activity, Eat, Sleep, Eat, Activity, Eat, Sleep. I’m only a few chapters in and not sure I agree with all of her philosophies, but I am finding it interesting reading. It has got me thinking about things I hadn’t before.
I’m very tired. Maybe I will take a “me” bath before Max wakes up. Usually, he only sleeps 5 – 10 minutes when put in his crib and I think he has been there for at least 15 min. A new record. The only problem with the bath idea is that if he wakes up while I am in the tub, I probably won’t hear him unless he really screams and I don’t want him to have a negative association like that since I am working on the transition. I guess I could try to set up one of the three sets of monitors I was given that have just been sitting in a drawer, but like I said, I am tired and that seems like too much work.
Three more days and then I am back to work. It’s funny. I remember my last day and how hard it was and thinking I was going to miss it so much. HAHAHAHAHA.
Today, he woke up in a good mood and pretty much stayed that way all day. Got a little fussy this afternoon, but I now know the “gas” scream and gave him the medicine much quicker and short cycled a major meltdown.
We did a bunch of errands and then my mom came for a very simple dinner. We had a nice walk and Max is now napping in his crib. I always worry a bit when he sleeps for a long time around this time of night that he won’t be ready to sleep at a decent hour (for me) or will be up during the night and want to play. I’m told sleep begets sleep and I’m sure not going to wake him up if moving him from my lap and putting him in his crib doesn’t do it, he really needs it.
I’m starting to make a conscious effort to transition Max into sleeping in his crib. I’m not ready to have him sleep there at night, but I am putting him in the crib during the day if he isn’t napping in the swing or his car seat or bouncy. After changing him, I have been placing him there for a few minutes to wash my hands or do short things. I am also playing with him a bit more and have fed him a few times in his room. I’m trying to get him used to sights and the smells.
I’m reading the Baby Whisperer book. I read some of it while I was pregnant, but it is much more meaningful reading it now that Max is here and we have lived together for awhile. The author is a big proponent of a schedule and doesn’t think highly of feeding on demand. She says every child can be put onto an E.A.S.Y. (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You) schedule. I have paid more attention today and our schedule is more like Sleep, Eat, Activity, Eat, Sleep, Eat, Activity, Eat, Sleep. I’m only a few chapters in and not sure I agree with all of her philosophies, but I am finding it interesting reading. It has got me thinking about things I hadn’t before.
I’m very tired. Maybe I will take a “me” bath before Max wakes up. Usually, he only sleeps 5 – 10 minutes when put in his crib and I think he has been there for at least 15 min. A new record. The only problem with the bath idea is that if he wakes up while I am in the tub, I probably won’t hear him unless he really screams and I don’t want him to have a negative association like that since I am working on the transition. I guess I could try to set up one of the three sets of monitors I was given that have just been sitting in a drawer, but like I said, I am tired and that seems like too much work.
Three more days and then I am back to work. It’s funny. I remember my last day and how hard it was and thinking I was going to miss it so much. HAHAHAHAHA.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Cranky Baby
Very cranky baby today. Very needy and high maintenance. He wanted to be held all day. He would fall asleep on the breast, but if I would put him down. He would instantly be awake and cry. No, not just cry. SCREAM. He behaved the best while at the V. SMC get together today. He fell asleep in my arms then happily got passed along to all of the other mom’s for some baby time. They were lined up, hands washed when I walked in. LOL. One got teary eyed because she wanted another so badly. He is currently zoning out in front of Baby Bach in the bouncy. I hear some noise, but am interpreting that to be coo’ing and talking to the TV. I need the break and am too tired to go in an check and spoil the mood. It is not crying and screaming.
Finally around 5 I gave him some Mylicon drops for gas relief. I wasn’t sure if that was the problem, but figured at this point it couldn’t hurt to try since nothing and I mean nothing else worked to calm him down. Then, I took him and the dogs on a nice long walk around the neighborhood. I think the Mylicon and the fresh air really helped. He has passed a bunch of gas since and is getting back to being my nice happy baby. I even got a small smile out of him a few minutes ago which was a rare treat today. My boobs are sore because he was chewing on them more than just sucking quite a bit. I’m sure there is not milk (or not much anyway) left at this point. I should have not let him, but hey, it was better than all out screaming. At its worst, even the boob wasn’t good enough. Sigh. I think this goes down as the second most difficult day. The first still being the first night home from the hospital. Too many days like this and I will be glad to go back to work and leave him with Niomi. Okay, looks like my break is over. I think I will put us both in the bath and see if he will go down for the night.
Finally around 5 I gave him some Mylicon drops for gas relief. I wasn’t sure if that was the problem, but figured at this point it couldn’t hurt to try since nothing and I mean nothing else worked to calm him down. Then, I took him and the dogs on a nice long walk around the neighborhood. I think the Mylicon and the fresh air really helped. He has passed a bunch of gas since and is getting back to being my nice happy baby. I even got a small smile out of him a few minutes ago which was a rare treat today. My boobs are sore because he was chewing on them more than just sucking quite a bit. I’m sure there is not milk (or not much anyway) left at this point. I should have not let him, but hey, it was better than all out screaming. At its worst, even the boob wasn’t good enough. Sigh. I think this goes down as the second most difficult day. The first still being the first night home from the hospital. Too many days like this and I will be glad to go back to work and leave him with Niomi. Okay, looks like my break is over. I think I will put us both in the bath and see if he will go down for the night.
Friday, October 28, 2005
A Precious Gift
One of the ladies on my team made a “keepsake book” out of a paper bag, construction paper, stickers and ribbon. It came in yesterday’s mail. It is one of the most precious gifts I have received. The creativity is outstanding. In it she had the following story....
A Precious Gift
“Where did I come from?” the baby asked its mother. She answered, half-crying, half-laughing, and clasping the baby to her breast: “You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of all my childhood games. In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother before her, you have lived. In the lap of the Eternal Spirit you have been nursed and anticipated for ages.”
I don’t know if she copied it from someplace or made it up, but it just touched my heart and made me weep. It gives me new thoughts and perspective on what story I want to tell Max when he is old enough to ask.
A Precious Gift
“Where did I come from?” the baby asked its mother. She answered, half-crying, half-laughing, and clasping the baby to her breast: “You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of all my childhood games. In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother before her, you have lived. In the lap of the Eternal Spirit you have been nursed and anticipated for ages.”
I don’t know if she copied it from someplace or made it up, but it just touched my heart and made me weep. It gives me new thoughts and perspective on what story I want to tell Max when he is old enough to ask.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The Name Max
I named Max at the last minute switching from the name Zach when he was born and I saw him for the first time. When I saw him, the name Max came to me. Max was 3rd or 4th down on my list before giving birth. It just seems to suit him. I love the name and glad that I choose it. However, since I had and named him, I have run into at least 3 people who have dogs named Max. The latest being on Tuesday when Lucky was at the vets. Who knew it was such a popular K-9 name? Good thing I am a dog lover. It just makes me laugh.
On another note, I am getting very frustrated with the vets office because I STILL have not heard the results of the u/s on Tuesday and have called several times. I would be frantic and freaked if she hasn’t started eating and having regular BM again. They are really starting to piss me off. How hard is it to look at some lab results and make a phone call, especially when someone has spent as much with them and on the testing that I have.
I am trying to tell my self to have patience and that the world doesn’t revolve around me. Patience isn’t my strong suit and who doesn’t want the world to revolve around them?
On another note, I am getting very frustrated with the vets office because I STILL have not heard the results of the u/s on Tuesday and have called several times. I would be frantic and freaked if she hasn’t started eating and having regular BM again. They are really starting to piss me off. How hard is it to look at some lab results and make a phone call, especially when someone has spent as much with them and on the testing that I have.
I am trying to tell my self to have patience and that the world doesn’t revolve around me. Patience isn’t my strong suit and who doesn’t want the world to revolve around them?
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Sleep, wonderful sleep
I got 8 hours of sleep last night in 2 stints (3 hours, then 5 hours). I woke up feeling great and much better about life in general. I still haven’t talked to the vet, but Lucky ate dinner last and had a normilish BM this morning. Max woke up in a great mood and so smiley and alert I knew it was time to get up and going. We were out of the house at 6:30 am and back by 8 am. Makes me think this will be totally doable when I go back to work.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The Best Case; The Worst Case; and Guilt
My mom’s heart tests this weekend showed abnormalities so she was not released and they did an Angioplasty procedure on Monday morning. The results were the best case scenario. There was no blockage and she was released Monday afternoon. She needed supervision for 24 hours with checks every 3 hours to ensure the entry point didn’t get hard and that she didn’t develop a blood clot. She ended up staying at my sister Julie’s house last night. It was great that Julie and Kris could be back for the procedure and they had a chance to talk to mom’s doctors themselves. Apparently, my “caretaking” abilities over the weekend left a lot to be desired in their eyes.
I had an appointment to take Lucky into the vet for a recheck to make sure her cancer is still in remission. I almost cancelled the appointment and went to my regular vet instead because Lucky’s tummy has been upset the last few days and she hasn’t been eating. But, I figured appointments at the specialty clinic were much harder to come by so if they didn’t examine her for her tummy I could stop by my normal vet on the way home. They were less than impressed with the stool sample that I brought in. Although, her blood counts looked good they did want to do an abdominal ultrasound on her to make sure the cancer didn’t come back and that wasn’t the reason for her lack of appetite since cancer had been in the area previously. I was so not expecting that and started balling in the lobby. Both Lucky and Max got agitated when I got upset. Max started screaming and Lucky tried to climb in my lap. The technician was asking if I was okay and feeling bad. It was quite a scene. There were able to get me an u/s today, but I had to wait a few hours for it. The best case was that everything looked good and they would not see a reason to aspirate. I haven’t had a chance to talk to the vet, she will call tomorrow, but paying the bill shows the worst case scenario that they saw something abnormal and decided to aspirate. I’m hoping and praying that Lucky just has a stomach bug and everything will come back normal. I don’t have the financial resources or the physical wherewithal to battle this again. Yet, emotionally, I am not ready to loose her. God, I sure hope the cancer isn’t back. All that treatment was supposed to buy me a lot more time.
I was already feeling guilty that I couldn’t do more for my mom this weekend while she was hospitalized. My sister wants me to take her home this afternoon, which is at least a 2 – 2.5 hour round trip. Now, I am feeling guilty that maybe Lucky is so unhappy that she isn’t getting as much attention as she used to with Max here that caused her immune system to shut down and the cancer to come back. She is still getting walked twice a day and I am giving her as much extra attention and play as I can. I am still worried about work and going back to work and the nanny situation.
I’m not sleeping very well (not Max’s fault, he is sleeping and I’m not) at night and don’t have the time to sleep during the day. I am not eating very well. It is all starting to take its toll. I am only one person and I can only do so much in one day. It’s seems like I am not pleasing anyone these days and my best just isn’t good enough for anyone. And, this is without me working full time. Something or many things are going to have to give next week.
Time has never seemed more precious or to go so fast as it is right now.
I had an appointment to take Lucky into the vet for a recheck to make sure her cancer is still in remission. I almost cancelled the appointment and went to my regular vet instead because Lucky’s tummy has been upset the last few days and she hasn’t been eating. But, I figured appointments at the specialty clinic were much harder to come by so if they didn’t examine her for her tummy I could stop by my normal vet on the way home. They were less than impressed with the stool sample that I brought in. Although, her blood counts looked good they did want to do an abdominal ultrasound on her to make sure the cancer didn’t come back and that wasn’t the reason for her lack of appetite since cancer had been in the area previously. I was so not expecting that and started balling in the lobby. Both Lucky and Max got agitated when I got upset. Max started screaming and Lucky tried to climb in my lap. The technician was asking if I was okay and feeling bad. It was quite a scene. There were able to get me an u/s today, but I had to wait a few hours for it. The best case was that everything looked good and they would not see a reason to aspirate. I haven’t had a chance to talk to the vet, she will call tomorrow, but paying the bill shows the worst case scenario that they saw something abnormal and decided to aspirate. I’m hoping and praying that Lucky just has a stomach bug and everything will come back normal. I don’t have the financial resources or the physical wherewithal to battle this again. Yet, emotionally, I am not ready to loose her. God, I sure hope the cancer isn’t back. All that treatment was supposed to buy me a lot more time.
I was already feeling guilty that I couldn’t do more for my mom this weekend while she was hospitalized. My sister wants me to take her home this afternoon, which is at least a 2 – 2.5 hour round trip. Now, I am feeling guilty that maybe Lucky is so unhappy that she isn’t getting as much attention as she used to with Max here that caused her immune system to shut down and the cancer to come back. She is still getting walked twice a day and I am giving her as much extra attention and play as I can. I am still worried about work and going back to work and the nanny situation.
I’m not sleeping very well (not Max’s fault, he is sleeping and I’m not) at night and don’t have the time to sleep during the day. I am not eating very well. It is all starting to take its toll. I am only one person and I can only do so much in one day. It’s seems like I am not pleasing anyone these days and my best just isn’t good enough for anyone. And, this is without me working full time. Something or many things are going to have to give next week.
Time has never seemed more precious or to go so fast as it is right now.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Nanny Update
Friday was much better with Niomi. She got here at 10 and I was home. This was a better start right off the bat. She took over on Max while I made a few phone calls and took a shower, a shower where I was able to both wash and dry my hair. What a luxury! Then, I made a few more calls. I came out of the office around noon to make some lunch and Max was a bit fussy. I thought, he is hungry and wants to eat. I let Niomi take him for a walk without adding my comments telling myself that she needs to learn his signs and that I told myself I would not butt in today. Repeating to myself over and over that just because it is different, doesn't mean it is bad. She will learn to pick up on his cues as I have.
She came back about 20 – 30 minutes later and he was screaming his head off. I stayed in the office and didn’t try to go out and butt in. However, I was so happy she came in and said, I think he is hungry, do you want to feed him or do you want me to give him a bottle? Of course, I jumped at the chance to feed him. I held him close and feed him. When he drifted off, I went out and put him in the swing and turned control back over to Niomi. She didn’t try to clean anything at all until I was feeding him. It made me feel a lot better.
It was still hard, but not as hard. I did not ball my eyes out at the end of the day. The time went by very fast and I thought that is half a work day. It was gone in a blink of an eye. I can do double of that. I can get used to it. It’s not my preference, but I can do it. I actually think I will be fine once I start back to work, but am glad I decided on a longer transition and that Niomi is available to do it. I have 8 more work days for a total of 10 days before I start back. My “to do” list is so long there is no chance of actually getting everything done even if I don’t squander my time while Niomi is here like I did last week.
In other news, my mom has been in the hospital all weekend because she was having chest and shoulder pain. She had an episode like this a few years ago and it was an infected esophagus aggravated by acid reflux. They think it is the same thing, but since the symptoms are so similar to heart attack/heart problems they wanted to do testing. Both of my sisters that live local are out of town this weekend leaving me to deal with this and mom who has been bored and very high maintenance. Haven’t gotten much done other than deal with that all weekend and getting the dogs walk.
Haven’t been sleeping that great the last few days so I am a bit tired. Max is still sleeping between 5 – 7 hours a stretch, but I haven’t been going to sleep when he does and haven’t been able to fall back asleep. On Saturday morning, I just fell back to sleep when my mom called all bored and chipper saying “I was so sure you would be up.” I explained that I now have an infant, my sleep patterns are not as predictable and reminded her that she does have a daughter on the East Coast where it was 9:30 am. She hadn’t thought about that. I laying down next to Max to nap. He slept great. I got probably 10 phone calls either from my mom or from someone in the family wanting an update. Sigh. I want to try again today, like NOW, for a nap, but am sure that as soon as I do, she will call back. I hope the test results come back soon and she gets freed. Both of us think the tests will show she is fine and she will be released. Please let it be soon.
Hmmm. I thought about something else I wanted to blog about when I was walking this morning, but can’t think of what it was right now. It was way better than this update, but my mind isn’t at full functioning capacity right now and I have no idea what it was right now. All I remember was that it would have been good.
I did manage to get 3 (out of about 50) thank you cards written, addressed, and stamped this weekend. I’m feeling quite proud of that.
She came back about 20 – 30 minutes later and he was screaming his head off. I stayed in the office and didn’t try to go out and butt in. However, I was so happy she came in and said, I think he is hungry, do you want to feed him or do you want me to give him a bottle? Of course, I jumped at the chance to feed him. I held him close and feed him. When he drifted off, I went out and put him in the swing and turned control back over to Niomi. She didn’t try to clean anything at all until I was feeding him. It made me feel a lot better.
It was still hard, but not as hard. I did not ball my eyes out at the end of the day. The time went by very fast and I thought that is half a work day. It was gone in a blink of an eye. I can do double of that. I can get used to it. It’s not my preference, but I can do it. I actually think I will be fine once I start back to work, but am glad I decided on a longer transition and that Niomi is available to do it. I have 8 more work days for a total of 10 days before I start back. My “to do” list is so long there is no chance of actually getting everything done even if I don’t squander my time while Niomi is here like I did last week.
In other news, my mom has been in the hospital all weekend because she was having chest and shoulder pain. She had an episode like this a few years ago and it was an infected esophagus aggravated by acid reflux. They think it is the same thing, but since the symptoms are so similar to heart attack/heart problems they wanted to do testing. Both of my sisters that live local are out of town this weekend leaving me to deal with this and mom who has been bored and very high maintenance. Haven’t gotten much done other than deal with that all weekend and getting the dogs walk.
Haven’t been sleeping that great the last few days so I am a bit tired. Max is still sleeping between 5 – 7 hours a stretch, but I haven’t been going to sleep when he does and haven’t been able to fall back asleep. On Saturday morning, I just fell back to sleep when my mom called all bored and chipper saying “I was so sure you would be up.” I explained that I now have an infant, my sleep patterns are not as predictable and reminded her that she does have a daughter on the East Coast where it was 9:30 am. She hadn’t thought about that. I laying down next to Max to nap. He slept great. I got probably 10 phone calls either from my mom or from someone in the family wanting an update. Sigh. I want to try again today, like NOW, for a nap, but am sure that as soon as I do, she will call back. I hope the test results come back soon and she gets freed. Both of us think the tests will show she is fine and she will be released. Please let it be soon.
Hmmm. I thought about something else I wanted to blog about when I was walking this morning, but can’t think of what it was right now. It was way better than this update, but my mind isn’t at full functioning capacity right now and I have no idea what it was right now. All I remember was that it would have been good.
I did manage to get 3 (out of about 50) thank you cards written, addressed, and stamped this weekend. I’m feeling quite proud of that.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
It’s not me….and yet it is.
If I let myself, I could have a major meltdown right now. The nanny started today. I’m sure she will do just fine, but I took it hard. As hard as it is, I am glad I am starting the transition now so I can get used to it.
I knew when I went down this path to single motherhood that I would have to leave my child to work. It was a built in reality and I really thought I would be okay with it. I’m not. Niami was only here for a few hours and I am a wreck. I keep telling myself that just because someone does it differently from me, doesn’t mean that it is wrong. Good thing I decided to attend the leaders staffing meeting today and locked myself in the office for the last hour or so. I needed the distraction. Max slept in the swing the whole time.
I am sure that I was driving Niami crazy until I closed the office door and left it for her. I need to give her a chance to know when Max is hungry or tired or wants to play or needs to burp. I kept butting in and trying to tell her what to do or what he wanted. She has done this before and I have trust and faith in her, but I want it to be me. She will figure it out like I have. I am really going to try to be better tomorrow.
I am a tad worried that she feels like she needs to clean more than take care of Max. I will watch this over the next few days. Maybe she just felt that way today because the house was so dirty and I got home very late from the hike and she had already started cleaning. I am sure it didn’t help that I kept stepping in and taking over on Max. Since she got almost everything cleaned today, it will be interesting to see how she acts tomorrow.
And, with the cleaning, things were out of place. Nothing major, the shampoo’s and soap not back exactly the way I like them, etc. I told myself what does it matter and haven’t yet gone back to put everything back the way I want it, but I know I will. I kept thinking, that’s not how Ana does it. Ana has cleaned my house for 7 + years now. It was fine and better than it was before she got here, but not spic and span. Not as meticulous as Ana.
It is not Niami, it is me. I know this.
I think there is just too much change going on in my life right now and I don’t like it. I don’t like the changes at work. I don’t like the changes at home. I just want to be independently wealthy and stay home and raise my kids full time.
I want it to be me taking care of Max. Maybe sometime I will be sick of it and will be happy to have him in the care of someone else for awhile, but I’m not there yet.
I feel so out of control of everything right now.
I knew when I went down this path to single motherhood that I would have to leave my child to work. It was a built in reality and I really thought I would be okay with it. I’m not. Niami was only here for a few hours and I am a wreck. I keep telling myself that just because someone does it differently from me, doesn’t mean that it is wrong. Good thing I decided to attend the leaders staffing meeting today and locked myself in the office for the last hour or so. I needed the distraction. Max slept in the swing the whole time.
I am sure that I was driving Niami crazy until I closed the office door and left it for her. I need to give her a chance to know when Max is hungry or tired or wants to play or needs to burp. I kept butting in and trying to tell her what to do or what he wanted. She has done this before and I have trust and faith in her, but I want it to be me. She will figure it out like I have. I am really going to try to be better tomorrow.
I am a tad worried that she feels like she needs to clean more than take care of Max. I will watch this over the next few days. Maybe she just felt that way today because the house was so dirty and I got home very late from the hike and she had already started cleaning. I am sure it didn’t help that I kept stepping in and taking over on Max. Since she got almost everything cleaned today, it will be interesting to see how she acts tomorrow.
And, with the cleaning, things were out of place. Nothing major, the shampoo’s and soap not back exactly the way I like them, etc. I told myself what does it matter and haven’t yet gone back to put everything back the way I want it, but I know I will. I kept thinking, that’s not how Ana does it. Ana has cleaned my house for 7 + years now. It was fine and better than it was before she got here, but not spic and span. Not as meticulous as Ana.
It is not Niami, it is me. I know this.
I think there is just too much change going on in my life right now and I don’t like it. I don’t like the changes at work. I don’t like the changes at home. I just want to be independently wealthy and stay home and raise my kids full time.
I want it to be me taking care of Max. Maybe sometime I will be sick of it and will be happy to have him in the care of someone else for awhile, but I’m not there yet.
I feel so out of control of everything right now.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Calmer
I am feeling much less angry and worked up, with no more or less sleep. It helped venting to computer land and over the phone to my East coast colleague, M from 5 -:15 - 6 am PT (8:15 - 9 am ET) . The morning hike, although muddy, helped as well and it was nice to see clear blue skies again. I sure hope I can get a nap in today, although I currently don’t feel like I need one.
I have decided to have my nanny start part time tomorrow for a few hours every day so we can better adjust and I can get the long list of things I want to get done completed before I go back to work. Hopefully, this will include some nice time on the computer and blog time.
I have decided to have my nanny start part time tomorrow for a few hours every day so we can better adjust and I can get the long list of things I want to get done completed before I go back to work. Hopefully, this will include some nice time on the computer and blog time.
Work Worries
Max woke up at 3 to feed and has been back asleep for awhile now. His mommy can’t say the same. I’m up worrying and crying over work. I got a call a few weeks ago saying that they wanted to split my team when I came back and give half of the team to the person who was backing me up while I was out. I was so not expecting that and it has had me a bit worried and drawn into work ever since.
Then, last Thursday, I get an email from my back-up saying she had decided to give me a group of team members because they would be less work, so I could spend more time with Max. I was pissed to say the least. Obviously, she has forgotten that this was “my” team.
I have called around and found out she has been doing major politicking while I have been out. And, I am angry and hurt and don’t feel like I can’t trust her at all at this point, but I am going to have to work with her when I go back. This is a person that I have worked with for years and have helped along getting her into better safer positions over the years. I told her 2 things before I went out on leave 1) don’t get me scheduled for any early morning meetings that I will have to get out of 2) I want my job when I get back.
After getting that email, I called my old boss and mentor to talk through how to best handle the situation and from what angle. He told me I needed to talk to my new boss (okay, I have been working for her for at least 2 years not, but…). So, I put a call into her and she calls me back on Friday night and we talk. She tells me that she is going to talk to the head of my department who I dotted line report to on a day to day basis and the person responsible for the change from a “coaching” perspective. Great. This means I need to talk to this person too. She is married, but has no children and is a total work ahaulic (sp?). I purposely made sure she didn’t find out I was pregnant until after some org. changes that were going on were completed.
Anyway, I talked to her yesterday about my worries and concerns and it became very clear in the conversation that my back up had been filtering information big time, in her favor of course, in talking to me. She wanted to talk to my back up about it and I told her it would be better if she didn’t. She agreed. Instead, she sent an email to the rest of the leadership team making it clear that I was to be involved in any decisions. One of my colleagues, who hasn’t gotten along with my back up while I was out and has told me all of the bullshit that has gone on while I am out under the leaders radar, forward it to me to both my work and my home email. My back up is monitoring my email and saw that and sent me a few terse emails like how could you not trust me.
I am up steaming hot mad about what I want to say to her when I talk to her tomorrow and what I should and will say to her, which will not be the same thing…because I will have to work with her when I get back.
Instead of getting precious sleep and enjoying my time off this last week with my precious son, this is what I have been dealing with when I get the chance and what has been keeping me up at night.
I could go on and on and on about this right now and all of the things that have made me angry and upset over it and things that I could do after talking to both my leaders. After all, I have been pondering it and mulling it over for nights now, but I won’t. I don’t want to be awake that long and am hoping after venting I can go back to sleep. After all, Max is going to need my time and attention and patience tomorrow.
There are so many other stories about Max and the nanny that didn’t show up on Monday and her 2 month check up, but I haven’t had time because any free time I have had and all of my extra mental energies have been dealing with this work situation.
It’s not that I won’t have a job. I will. It’s just that the job I am going back to isn’t going to be as fun as the one I left because of all of the political bs that has gone on and I need to work with this person and divide up my team with a person that I no longer trust or want to work with and who now feels like she has a right to the position and that it should be “equal”. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. That’s me screaming, inside, at now 5 am, some of my anger and frustration away.
This just sucks!!!
ps. Just got an email from my work collegue. I think I will shock her and call her to vent since I am up. Again, this just sucks, but I have to get this anger and anxiety out of me.
Then, last Thursday, I get an email from my back-up saying she had decided to give me a group of team members because they would be less work, so I could spend more time with Max. I was pissed to say the least. Obviously, she has forgotten that this was “my” team.
I have called around and found out she has been doing major politicking while I have been out. And, I am angry and hurt and don’t feel like I can’t trust her at all at this point, but I am going to have to work with her when I go back. This is a person that I have worked with for years and have helped along getting her into better safer positions over the years. I told her 2 things before I went out on leave 1) don’t get me scheduled for any early morning meetings that I will have to get out of 2) I want my job when I get back.
After getting that email, I called my old boss and mentor to talk through how to best handle the situation and from what angle. He told me I needed to talk to my new boss (okay, I have been working for her for at least 2 years not, but…). So, I put a call into her and she calls me back on Friday night and we talk. She tells me that she is going to talk to the head of my department who I dotted line report to on a day to day basis and the person responsible for the change from a “coaching” perspective. Great. This means I need to talk to this person too. She is married, but has no children and is a total work ahaulic (sp?). I purposely made sure she didn’t find out I was pregnant until after some org. changes that were going on were completed.
Anyway, I talked to her yesterday about my worries and concerns and it became very clear in the conversation that my back up had been filtering information big time, in her favor of course, in talking to me. She wanted to talk to my back up about it and I told her it would be better if she didn’t. She agreed. Instead, she sent an email to the rest of the leadership team making it clear that I was to be involved in any decisions. One of my colleagues, who hasn’t gotten along with my back up while I was out and has told me all of the bullshit that has gone on while I am out under the leaders radar, forward it to me to both my work and my home email. My back up is monitoring my email and saw that and sent me a few terse emails like how could you not trust me.
I am up steaming hot mad about what I want to say to her when I talk to her tomorrow and what I should and will say to her, which will not be the same thing…because I will have to work with her when I get back.
Instead of getting precious sleep and enjoying my time off this last week with my precious son, this is what I have been dealing with when I get the chance and what has been keeping me up at night.
I could go on and on and on about this right now and all of the things that have made me angry and upset over it and things that I could do after talking to both my leaders. After all, I have been pondering it and mulling it over for nights now, but I won’t. I don’t want to be awake that long and am hoping after venting I can go back to sleep. After all, Max is going to need my time and attention and patience tomorrow.
There are so many other stories about Max and the nanny that didn’t show up on Monday and her 2 month check up, but I haven’t had time because any free time I have had and all of my extra mental energies have been dealing with this work situation.
It’s not that I won’t have a job. I will. It’s just that the job I am going back to isn’t going to be as fun as the one I left because of all of the political bs that has gone on and I need to work with this person and divide up my team with a person that I no longer trust or want to work with and who now feels like she has a right to the position and that it should be “equal”. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. That’s me screaming, inside, at now 5 am, some of my anger and frustration away.
This just sucks!!!
ps. Just got an email from my work collegue. I think I will shock her and call her to vent since I am up. Again, this just sucks, but I have to get this anger and anxiety out of me.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
My Medium Maintenance Baby
I was talking to a friend the other day and she commented that Max was a medium maintenance baby. I have to agree. He isn’t really colicky or fussy and doesn’t cry a lot, but he does need a lot of attention. A good part of this is because he is a breast fed baby and can only go so long without eating. Plus, he really likes being close to the food source (a.k.a. Mommy’s boob). Sometimes, he just uses it as a little pillow after he has his fill and just smiles contently. Hard to mind holding him close when I get that kind of positive reinforcement.
I have had a brief glimpse at what a low maintenance baby would be like this morning. Max has been great at sleeping at night and last night was no exception. In fact, he slept way better than his mommy did. We got up and he coo’d and played while mommy got ready to take the dogs out. We did a nice walk. He was awake most of the time. Then, he got a bit hungry and I fed him on the trail.* After he ate, he dozed off until we got back home. I put him in the bouncy and was able to 1) make and eat an egg breakfast 2) empty the dishwasher and reload it 3) give Shadow a bath** 4) get the towels I dried Shadow with along with one of the doggy beds into the wash. 5) pick up the house. All this time, he was in the bouncy that moved around as needed so that I could talk to him/keep an eye on him and he could coo back to me and keep an eye on me. He was happy as could be. Then, I fed him and he drifted off. I put him in the swing and he has been asleep ever since allowing me to 1) vacuum the entire house 2) put away some laundry 3) take a shower and wash and blow dry my hair (very rare that I can wash it, let alone get it dry with the dryer as well…what a luxury) 4) change the sheets on my bed 5) switch over the laundry and get another load in. 6) get to the computer and write this up.
Max getting early use out of his Halloween Outfit
Wow, I can’t remember being able to get so much done at one time since Max was born. It is very nice.
I am really enjoying my medium maintenance baby. It beats a high maintenance one any day of the week. But, it was a really nice morning and I feel so great with a clean house, a clean dog, and clean hair. I am one content woman at the moment.
* I met this lady hiking about a month ago and she has a son two months older than Max. We made her sling, which I greatly admired, because it was higher than mine and allowed her to feed while on the go. We have become friends and she made me one. I did pay her for it. She is starting a small home based business selling them. It is very nice. If anyone is interested, let me know and I will track down her card with her web address on it. I know it is here someplace.
** I just gave Shadow and Lucky a bath a few days ago, but Shadow has been having a problem with urinary incontinence and have been smelling a lot like urine the last day or so. The vet and I have been switching around medication to try to get in under control and I though we had, but…the stench indicates otherwise. Poor girl. Otherwise, she is doing great in her old age. As much as she hates baths, she didn’t seem to mind too much today (I didn’t get her head wet since it was just washed). I know I will enjoy being around her more now.
I have had a brief glimpse at what a low maintenance baby would be like this morning. Max has been great at sleeping at night and last night was no exception. In fact, he slept way better than his mommy did. We got up and he coo’d and played while mommy got ready to take the dogs out. We did a nice walk. He was awake most of the time. Then, he got a bit hungry and I fed him on the trail.* After he ate, he dozed off until we got back home. I put him in the bouncy and was able to 1) make and eat an egg breakfast 2) empty the dishwasher and reload it 3) give Shadow a bath** 4) get the towels I dried Shadow with along with one of the doggy beds into the wash. 5) pick up the house. All this time, he was in the bouncy that moved around as needed so that I could talk to him/keep an eye on him and he could coo back to me and keep an eye on me. He was happy as could be. Then, I fed him and he drifted off. I put him in the swing and he has been asleep ever since allowing me to 1) vacuum the entire house 2) put away some laundry 3) take a shower and wash and blow dry my hair (very rare that I can wash it, let alone get it dry with the dryer as well…what a luxury) 4) change the sheets on my bed 5) switch over the laundry and get another load in. 6) get to the computer and write this up.
Max getting early use out of his Halloween Outfit
Wow, I can’t remember being able to get so much done at one time since Max was born. It is very nice.
I am really enjoying my medium maintenance baby. It beats a high maintenance one any day of the week. But, it was a really nice morning and I feel so great with a clean house, a clean dog, and clean hair. I am one content woman at the moment.
* I met this lady hiking about a month ago and she has a son two months older than Max. We made her sling, which I greatly admired, because it was higher than mine and allowed her to feed while on the go. We have become friends and she made me one. I did pay her for it. She is starting a small home based business selling them. It is very nice. If anyone is interested, let me know and I will track down her card with her web address on it. I know it is here someplace.
** I just gave Shadow and Lucky a bath a few days ago, but Shadow has been having a problem with urinary incontinence and have been smelling a lot like urine the last day or so. The vet and I have been switching around medication to try to get in under control and I though we had, but…the stench indicates otherwise. Poor girl. Otherwise, she is doing great in her old age. As much as she hates baths, she didn’t seem to mind too much today (I didn’t get her head wet since it was just washed). I know I will enjoy being around her more now.
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