Kool Aid Mom Wanna Be

Milestones

2011-07-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

What I should be doing right now is washing the dishes and getting the house and yard ready for a party I'm hosting this afternoon as it is no way company ready, but alas, I think I'll enjoy a few more minutes of peace and quiet before the kids wake.

Clearly, I don't have the passion for keeping the blog updated. In part, that is because things just happen so fast right now that I'm too busy living a busy life and trying to enjoy my kids and work and keep up with things that there is no way to blog about it all and it seem too hard to try to just pick out a snippet.

However, we have had some big changes. The kids are growing up so darn fast. Becoming a mom, while probably one of the hardest and most time consuming, is the best thing I ever did.

In June, we took our first family vacation to spend 4 days at Legoland. On the way home, we swong by the peds for the twins 3 year old checkup. Stats are around here someplace, but all is basically well and growing nicely and doing great.

We have transitioned from having a nanny to the twins being in preschool. They just finished 3rd week yesterday. They LOVED it week one and were tired cranky pots when they got home. N cried and fought it week 2 and R was more hesitant and there were many rough mornings trying to get us ready and out. Everything seemed to settle in on week 3.

R is allegedly pee'ing and poo'ing in the potty at school, although he won't at home.

N will pee and poo in thepotty at home, although she won't at school.

Max is doing great. He just finished week 3 of a 4 week summer incoming K in the morning, then is being walked over to the preschool to finish the day. Originally, I wanted him at the elementary the whole day, but ...he broke his arm...so I decided to change things up, pull him out of summer basketball and keep him at the preschool. Arm is fine and been out of the cast for 2 weeks now. Reminds me, we have a follow up appointment this week to check it out. In the alls well that turns out well philosophy, he has been so happy to share his school with his brother and sister before he moves on and the teachers say he is so great with them and checking on them before he will play once he is walked over. And, I think it has helped the twins transition as well.

Things are settling in and changing. I can't say I make things easy on myself and even in summer it seems like the pace is too fast. Going into July we had a total of 3 days with no plans. We need more days with nothing better to do than just hang out in our swimsuits and swim and just be.

The first few years of the twins life were really hard and stressful and life can still be busy and hard and stressful, but I feel so blessed and like I have made it "to the other side" where I can (and do) have and make time to just enjoy life and the kids.

Just in case

2011-03-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

There has been some email traffic and "talk" on my local single mom lists over the last week or so about emergency preparedness. It made me realize that what I used to have in place isn't organized in a fashion to be readily useful in a true emergency and as a single mom to three young children wouldn't have been adequate anyway.

After a late start, then a mad dash to walk the dog and get to Max's first T-ball game, home to throw together a quick lunch, then change and get the twins ready for nap*, my mom watch the kids and I attended a free emergency preparedness class.

It was worth the time. I figured I'd share my take aways which will also help me organize my notes and think about my "goals".

One of my biggest takes aways was a comment that if we took nothing else from the class, we should think about and write out our "goals" of what we wanted to get done/prepared. Clearly, it is a mindset and a process. He suggested making a goal for the week, the month, the year.

Example 1: One of his suggestions is to have a 30 day supply of canned food at the ready.

To reach that ultimate goal, he suggested that you make a list of what your family would need for a day, create a menu of sort, and that maybe one of your goals was that every time you go to Costco or the store you pick up a day's worth until you build up to a month supply. So, one of my goals for this week is to make up a menu for a week based solely on canned food and then get a week supply of food within the month, with a mini goal to get a days worth of food in a week to build up.

Example: One of his suggestions is to scan all of your important documents like insurance, birth certificates, car titles, house titles, mortgage information (and I'll add medical records and copies of ID's) you might need and put it on a USB. Keep one copy in your emergency kit, one in a safe deposit, and one with a family member.

I have several USB's already just around so my mini goals would be to 1) find them 2) start scanning and adding a bit at a time (or maybe take a vacation day and just get it done?...will have to think about that). But, I'm not going to try to tackle that until I get my taxes done.

Example: Keep cash on hand and in small bills like 1's and 5's. In a true emergency, cash is king and credit card authorizations won't be possible and banks wouldn't be open. He didn't say and I didn't think to ask what amount is recommended. I've heard an amount before...maybe at least $500 or $1000 (or more?)?

One of my goals is to slowly add $40 dollars a month with $10 of it in $5's and $3o's in $1's.

I asked the instructor in order of priority what is the hierarchy of needs. Maybe kind of obvious, but my take away ....

1) Water
2) Food
3) Lighting
4) First Aid
5) Comfort items like toiletries such as soap, toothpaste, toothbrush, a change of clothes, a blanket.
6) Communication items

1) Water: Recommendation was to plan for a gallon a day per person. Because of the breakdown of plastic, he did not recommend bottled water, but boxed (like the juice boxes) or bags for cars and a bin (is that what you call it?) for the house. I had always assumed that I could use the pool water, but that isn't advised apparently. I bought eight servings of water (4 boxed and 4 bagged) for now for each of my kits (which I decided would be one for the house and one for each car). I would have gotten more, but I had to park WAY down the street and knew I couldn't carry everything back. One of my goals and probably my first big purchase would be price out and get a 50 gallon water supply (which lasts up to 5 years) for the house, then a 3 day supply to keep in the car.

2) Food: Long term, as already mentioned, was to have a 30 day supply of canned food (and maybe even boxed milk like rice milk?) on hand and a 3 day supply of grab and go ready in an emergency. Today, I bought a 3 day supply of mainstay energy bar's/food that has a 5 year shelf life for each of my 3 kits. His recommendation was once a year, he does it in September right after the kids go back to school, was to go through his 3o day supply and replace it. He said they donate their whole supply to charity and rebuild it once a year. Since some canned food can have a shelf life of several years, I'll probably keep it sorted by expiration date or something and swap out anything expiring within the next year.

Start of my food list: Canned tuna, chicken, (other meat/protein?). Canned vegetables. Canned/jarred fruit. Maybe some soups. Beans? I was thinking about those small packages of condiments like mayo that wouldn't need to be refrigerated. Maybe some rice or other boxed milk and cereal. Probably some crackers. I'll have to give it more thought and come up with a menu that I could keep with it.

The other somewhat of a food related item I bought today was a butane stove with 4 butane tanks as I had been thinking about getting one anyway for camping. The butane is safe for indoor use.

3) Lighting: Basically, the recommendation was to have flashlights all over the house, light sticks, electricity fail lights throughout the house (that charge when plugged in and if the electricity fails, will come on, and can also be used as a flashlight), camping lanterns. The biggest point on lighting was battaries, batteries, batteries. Keep a good supply on hand as you just can't find them in a true emergency and that light can keep you safe and bring comfort and calm.

My sister got me a LED lantern for camping (and without knowing, I had gotten her one as well:) so I had that and Santa and the Easter bunny bring flashlights every year so I we have quite a few, but they do need to be found. Today, I bought a few light sticks because they were cheap (under $2) and 4 electricity fail lights (one for each bedroom and one for the main part of the house).

4) First Aid: They have a lot of kits from the basic to the elaborate. I decided to not buy a kit for now, but to better organize what I have in the house and figure out what I need so that I can have a small first aid kit for each of my emergency bags. I did buy a total of 12 emergency blankets @ $1.30 each so I could put 4 in each of my emergency bags. Figured it was a cheap insurance, just in case. I have one or two in the messy hall closet that I used to keep in my hiking kit that I should find and add as well. He also mentioned keeping a supply of needed medication on hand and things like Excedrin or Tylenol.

5) Comfort Items: For myself in my travel days, I had a good toiletry, personal hygiene, that could be grab and go. I need to get one organized for the kids. His recommendation was to use the hotel soaps and shampoo's and giveaway type items to keep it small and light. Since the children leave their toothbrushes around for the dog to chew on a regular basis, I've been picking up spares as I find them on sale. I'm going to continue to do that and build up a small set for the house first, then the minivan, then the other car (which I plan to "sell" to my mom in the fall to my mom when the twins go to school full time as without a nanny I don't really need to run with 2 cars).

6) Communication items: He didn't spend too much time in this area, but interestingly enough did recommend that if people didn't have facebook or twitter, they may want to set up an account because in the last few disasters, people have been able to use it to let people know where they are and that they are safe. He also recommended an emergency radio that can run by hand crank, AC adapter or batteries that could also charge cell phones (if you have a USB to phone adapter). He mentioned that texting was also a primary communication method in Japan and gave an example recently where cell service went down, but texting still worked. The most basic recommendation was to have a phone for the house that doesn't need electricity. I actually have one that I kept in my room, but the twins kept walking off with it and taking it off the hook, so I need to find it or replace it.

I bought a cheaper and more basic emergency radio that could operate by hand crank or battery. Part of the reason is that I think I'm going to invest in a portable solar powered system that I could use to charge the cell phone and laptop, but more importantly to me a neubutlizer...just in case. R's lung issues have gotten a lot better, but an earthquake or fire will likely degrade air quality.

7) Tools: This is a section I'm going adding as I made notes on some things I need to pull together or get. The one tool I purchased today (actually got two, one for each car), was a cheep little gadget that could break glass and cut a car seat belt in emergency if needed. I'll add sanitation type items. He talked about keeping 10 gallon heavy duty bags on hand to line the toilets, with either some chemicals or kitty litter to help keep the smell down, in case you don't have running water or the sewage system isn't working.

Bigger Ticket Items on my list:
- 50 gal water system
- Portable solar system

Smaller items:
- Large plastic bins to store 30 day food supply, camping gear
- Backpacks for under each of our beds to include whistle (so that kids/people) can whistle if they are trapped or hurt), flashlight, light stick, hard sole shoes, a set of clothes, and toys, books, crayons/paper, something to keep each child entertained (the recommendation is to have older kids pack their own/have input)
- Crow Bar (to help pry open a door if needed
- Tools to add to my camping supply/emergency bin (like screwdrivers, pliers, a mallet)
- Portable toilet (have already been looking at for camping and would put in my camping supply/emergency bins.
- Fire extinguisher for house and car

Locations:
- Emergency kit for the house and each car.
- Store 30 day supply of food and grab and go emergency bag by the front door.
- Camping/emergency bin in the garage that is easy to get to.
- Side of house water system, bin with basic supplies

Other recommendations:
- Have an evacuation plan ready with a checklist of what you would grab if you had 5, 10, or 15 minutes to get out of the house.
- Remember your pets and have food, supplies, any medication for them including leashes and a crate.
- He touched on smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors (which apparently sometime this year are going to become mandatory for each home in CA), which I already have.
- He talked about safety ladders and how to use them and practicing with the kids by having them go up first and then eventually down.
- He talked about strapping things down and that most injuries happen from broken glass cutting up hands/feet (recommends a pair of leather work gloves and hard sole shoes in each emergency kit). I bought a strap to anchor a bookcase today, which was already on my to do list.
- He recommended keeping in the nightstand a flashlight, whistle, and non-electric phone (that could just be plugged into a jack. I asked how one kept toddlers for keeping them there. :)

Emergency Kits

House - Water, Food, Flashlight and/or light stick, shoes, gloves, emergency radio, wipes, toilet paper, non-water hand cleaner, whistle, crow bar, basic tools, first aid supplies, emergency blankets, toiletries, coffee if you are a coffee drinker

Backpack for each person under bed - Flashlight and/or lightstick, shoes (that fit), whistle, clothes such as socks and sweats, toys such as legos, books, paper/crayons

Car - Water, Food, Flashlight and/or light stick, wipes, toilet paper, first aid kit, emergency blanket, potentially a portable toilet/bags for disposal, emergency radio? basic tools?

Hope this can help help someone else think through what they might need or not. It has given me many things to think through and get in place.

* which reportedly they did not do, but did play quietly in their rooms for awhile. The good news with that is that I was able to put them to bed early-ish/on time (with the time change) and we may finally be almost back on track schedule wise.

all about Max

2011-03-16T21:26:00.002-07:00

I still haven't gotten around to scanning Max's school and basketball pictures.* He is growing so fast.

He got accepted into the Kindergarten we wanted. The form and deposit to hold his spot has been dropped off.

He is growing so fast. I'm not joking when I say that he is going to be taller than me soon.

He is really smart. I don't have much to compare it, but his teachers and those who do tell me it is so. He's got a quick mind (and whit) and is very drawn to math and science. Last month, he asked and asked how many seconds were in 10 months so finally I figured it out. Upon giving him the answer, he responded "great, that's how many seconds until Christmas". Yes, he sure loves that holiday, as do I.

Actually, he likes all holiday's. Tomorrow is St. Paddy's day and I'll be in his class making St. Patrick day necklaces and other such fun and crafts. He's going to wear his leprechaun costume from Halloween and try to trick people into thinking he a real leprechaun. He's looking forward to it.

Being a glutton for punishment, T-ball started last week and first game is Saturday if we don't get rained out. And, I signed him up for summer basketball today. This will keep us on a practice and game pretty each week for months and months and months. I really don't like being so busy, but he LOVES it, seems to be picking things up fast, and the twins are getting used to being dragged along and things are getting a bit easier to drag them.

I about lost it with him last night when we couldn't find his brand new mitt. The one just purchased this weekend that hadn't even made it to a practice let alone a game. Luckily, it was found under a blanket on the top bunk instead of being left at the park with the nanny a few days earlier as he thought. I've decided I'm going to look at getting the sporting supplies at the big consignment sales so I'm not so upset when the get lost or ruined or chewed up by the dog (which was found in his mouth just after it was purchased and Max has been reminded on a regular basis to make sure it is up so the dog and his brother and sister can't get it.

Mostly, he is an even keeled kid who rarely cries, gets along with most, and is generally well behaved. He let's R get under his skin and get him worked up in fast order sometimes, but especially if he is tired. R seems to know just how to make him angry or cry. They have been playing together more and fighting more.

The other day, almost out of the blue, he asked me what would happen to him if I died. I told him his Aunt T and Uncle J would take care of him. To which he said, okay, and moved on.

He's been asking a lot about kids and can they go to jail or do only adults go to jail. And, when the police will come and arrest someone or give them a ticket. And, armies, and guns. The other week when our car broke down in the middle lane and someone helped me push it to the side. He got a bit upset that the police were going to come and give us a ticket or arrest us. I explained that in this case, if the police came, they would help us. But, I think he was relieved when the tow truck got there so he didn't have to test that theory out.

Last week was election day here and the polling place for our precinct continues to be our garage. He was so excited about it and wanted to see it set up and the voting signs before school. On the way to school, he asked me how I was going to vote and I told him I still need to decide. He told me I should vote 1) for no more bad guys in the world 2) no robbers in our area 3) no guns since they can hurt or kill people. I told him those sounded like very great things to vote for and I would.

A few months ago, he had his best buddy over and I heard him on the other side of the yard telling him "N is my FRIEND as well as my sister, you need to be nice to her". Oh, my heart melted. He went on to say "R is just my brother and not my friend, go ahead and be mean to him". Sigh. The thing is...R really can be mean and a trouble maker, but that is a whole other topic for another day.

The other day he asked me if boys could marry boys and I explained that in some states. He then goes on to say that he is going to marry his best buddy K. I said that was fine as long as K agreed because in order to marry, both people had to want it and agree. He goes on to ask if he could marry me if K didn't want to marry him. When I told him in no states would this be allowed, he said asked if we could move out of country. I told him if he still wanted to marry me when he was 18 we could look into it. :)

He and K have really missed being at the same school this year and not seeing each other every day. K's mom and I have tried to get them together at least once or twice a month. I think more than learning Kindergarten things, he is most looking forward to seeing K in after care each day. From what I hear from K's mom, the feeling is mutual. Max's teacher and I talked about their friendship because she taught K last year and commented that while Max had friends in the class this year, nothing like the bond he has with K. I was commenting that in a way, I find the draw a bit odd, because they are very different. K could care less about sports, or Wii, or computer games. Mrs. P thinks it is because they are both really smart and have a similar sense of humor. We will see if they will be smart enough to stay out of big trouble as they grow.

Max still isn't fully reading. He can and does pick out words here and there. He doesn't say much about it, but his teacher and I agree that it drives him crazy that a few other kids in his class are. He has a competitive streak for sure. It seems like he has some trouble sounding out the words to figure them out and then gets frustrated and doesn't want to try. The words he does know, I'm sure are ones that someone has told him and he just has memorized. His memory is long. He has a nack for piecing things together. He may see or hear something and not understand it at the time, but something else days or weeks or months later will come up and he will remember and fit for him. I don't push the reading thing. He's still young and it will click at some point I think.

His fine motor skills, writing, coloring, and drawing is still a bit immature and probably his weakest area. The extra year in the early 5's has made a big difference and I think allowed him to better make the leap to K next year. I think this year he would have really struggled and it would have gotten to his psyche.

He's still my worst sleeper, but sleeps better than ever. Not counting the time change that, as always, has messed things up, his bedtime is usually 7:30 pm (when I leave his room from books and cuddles) and he will play or look at a book or get a yogurt and/or go to the bathroom. He usually falls asleep between 8 - 8:30 pm and is up between 6 - 6:30 am. He has been alternating between sleep on the top or bottom bunk randomly (or so it seems to me).

All in all, I'm really proud of him and how he is growing and maturing. I think as the years go, he is going to give me a run for my money and keep me on my toes, but that he will turn into a fine young man.

* There are still so many things that just don't get done each day, week, month. Heck, the box of Easter decorations have been sitting on the arm of the couch for longer than a week (maybe two?). Sigh.

2011-03-16T21:26:00.001-07:00

The best laid plans

2011-03-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

I had great plans of starting to blog regularly again with topics lined up to do a post 1) with a psycho analysis introspection on myself, 2) a whole update on Max, 3) then N, 4) then R. 5) Give an update on Speedy the dog. 6) Give an update on City the cat. 7) Talk about my neighbors. Pictures included.

Instead, I've dealt with things like getting my facebook account hacked into; the drama around our preschool director getting placed on admin leave pending investigation; my car breaking down with kids in it; getting the election set up for tomorrow...with all of that happening just today except the fb thing.

Not to mention N falling face first tripping in the school parking lot hitting her forehead and nose (ah those head injuries, especially in one like N who has had hydrocephalus and has a shunt). Getting a bloody nose later tonight making me worried about concussion or internal damage. Probably nothing one can only hope and pray, but I'll be keeping an eye on her.

Breakfast was cereal, on request, which is actually rare around here. Dinner was cereal, again on request, which is unheard of around here. Makes me wonder why I bother to cook as it was such a big hit that all three kids requested thirds.

Probably, the biggest funny of the day is that Max didn't actually have cereal this morning as what was thought to be cereal turned out to be crushed crackers. So, he had crushed crackers with milk and banana this morning. While I told him he could toss it, it tickled his funny bone and he ate it all laughing the entire time at the strangeness and novelty of it.

I hope the car isn't majorly broken, but....I was just driving on home from getting Max from school and it just died. In the middle lane, approaching a busy intersection. At the busiest time of day. With Max and Nora in the car. It was towed. I walked home with the kids.

What I wanted to do is get into this book and stay off the computer as part of my healing and recovering and doing things for yourself plan I have going. What I did is spend an hour or so drafting and sending a leader to our pastor on my thought on the whole preschool situation.

In general, life seems to come on to fast and strong most days. Some days, like today, more than others.

Tomorrow is election day. Voting is in my garage. I haven't even looked at what is on the ballot yet.

Good thing I kept my sense of humor for the most part. Although, I have to say that I almost snatched away that recorder that my cousin passed our way tonight and cracked it in two or more pieces. It sure wasn't helping my splitting headache that was working towards a migraine. I resisted, juts barely. So, it lives to annoy me another day. :)

Really?

2011-03-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

Has it really been since August that I posted? How did that happen? Where has the time gone? Can you believe we are already in March? The twins will be three in June? Max 6 in August?

Seems like another school year (Max in the early 5's program at his preschool), Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday have happened, in that order. :)

All is basically good and fine.

Only minor sicknesses with very few trips to the peds.

On the school front, having Max do the early 5's this year I think was a good decision for us. He has liked it and it has given him the extra year I think he needed. I feel like I have had a part time job trying to work out the school situation for next year and gone over the public vs private school decision ad nausea um. Assuming we get accepted, although it will continue to make things very tight financially, I have applications in for Max to go to our church elementary school and the twins to go to our church preschool where Max has gone for the last 3 years. My heart says it is the right thing for us. I like the community. I really like what I have seen and heard from all fronts on the elementary school. I like their use of technology. I like how they handle learning issues and that it is an "inclusion" school. I like the kids/families that we have met in preschool that have gone into K. I have some concerns about class size and that it is too academic and structured, but I have talked to a lot, a lot, a lot of people and it just feels right. I keep trying to convince myself that something I don't have to pay for could feel just as right. But, I've looked and I've talked and it just doesn't. Public school here COULD work, but it would be hit or miss, after school would have to be pieced together and for a price. Working full time and with 2 other kids, I don't want to have to worry so much every year about the quality of teaching, and budget cuts, and needing to make a move later. Probably because I moved so much growing up, I want to be able to just be someplace we like and stay put and to be able to grow up with your friends who are your friends for life. I can tell Max already has one of those with his best bud, who did go to K this year, at same school. And, truth be told, the real expense is not the elementary, but the twins...both of them...in the preschool next year full time. But, again, I like it. A LOT. I like the teachers and the program and how they handle things. So, I will pay. I like it all except the paying part. :)

Halloween, Max went as a leprechaun (they get to trick people and have a pot of gold, you know :), R as a cowboy, N as a cowgirl.

Thanksgiving was nice and spent with my cousins, my mom, aunt and uncle who were in town, the kids, and one of my sisters. Even better, one of my cousins hosted. Especially, since my sister and I took the kids camping earlier in the week. We had such a great time, we area looking around for a small used RV to do more of it. I was on vacation for 2 weeks while the nanny vacationed during which time I made another pass at reclaiming the house, sorting and organizing the kids rooms and clothes.

Christmas was also nice. I was off work for about half the month and we worked down Max's vacation wish list that included things like 1) hosting a Christmas party for his friends 2) taking a day and riding the metro buses/trains 3) a snow trip 4) a beach trip 5) one more that I am now forgetting. We did ultimately get them all done in addition to some play dates and ice skating lessons and cookie making and general hang out and holiday.

January/February have been filled with basketball. Friday night practice and Saturday morning games. It makes the end of the week hectic and it is hard dragging R/N, but he love, love, loves it. End of season party is Friday night. Last game Saturday. Then, we roll into T-ball. Then, summer basketball.

By which time, he will be starting a new school year. See how the time just rolls on and all of a sudden 6 months have passed?

Of course, lots more happened and happens in the daily life with small kids and working and figuring out the logistics.

Some of the stuff big stuff like the mentally unstable neighbor calling child protective service and being investigated, regardless of how bogus the claim was as required by law. Some of the stuff small stuff like getting the dog into the vet and licensed, trying to reclaim my office and sort the mounds of paperwork, planning my monthly activity in Max's classroom, setting up play dates, getting groceries, making sure we have diapers and toilet paper. Then, a bunch of stuff in the middle like the school research, pushing to get R assessed for speech and OT, pushing for services while funding for services are being cut, becoming regular church goers with the twins in Sunday school, searching around and going and looking at RV's. Probably, most importantly, making sure we have time to just "be" and hang out as a family amid the rush of life.

R and N are doing well. They are both still receiving services. Both continue with an early intervention specialist weekly, although we now have (yet another) new one (that we like). Both are now receiving speech. I was able to get N approve much earlier by dropping PT for her and swapping the funds. I had to push for R and he started up a month or so ago. N continues to receive OT and is doing well. We will see how the next eval goes, but she maybe released. I pushed for and finally got (in late January) an OT eval for R that resulted in a request for services primarily for sensory (avoiding) issues. There schedule is schedule is busy with the services and classes and such. They are happy and growing well. R thinks he is the boss of N. N does a good job of allowing it, ignoring it, or pushing back depending on her mood. :)

All mundane life things that somehow don't tend to seem or feel blog worthy. Personally, I've just been recovering from the first few years with preemie twins, a bad work situation, and the stress of it all that I have come to realize caused me to shut down emotionally quite a bit. While I do get out every now and again for a night out, mostly, I'm still caved in a bit. I've been using the time after the kids are in bed as "me" time and not so willing to be on the phone or blogging or anything that will take emotional output or energy.

Mostly, we are just in a pretty good routine. Living an imperfect life with the ups and downs without the extremes of the first few years. While it can still be hard and stressful and logistically challenging, it is all getting easier. And, we are having a lot of fun along the way.

I love being a mom. There are times when I think...I'm finally the koolaid mom I've wanted where the kids (school friends, neighbor kids, etc) are over and playing. I'm where I'm supposed to be in life, doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Life just feels "right" even if it is tiring and almost all consuming.

This and That

2010-08-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

The days and weeks and months just seem to fly at warp speed and I have a hard time justifying spending time blogging when there is so much left undone at the end of each day.

I find that I keep staying up later and later and telling myself I MUST get to bed earlier so I can get more sleep and it just doesn't seem to happen.

Took the kids camping last weekend and we all had a great time. There were 4 adults, 2 teenagers, and my 3. I see more of it in my future, but decided I need at least 2 extra adults to go with my kids. Luckily, both my sister and cousin (who expected to hate it) also had a great time and want to do more as well. Need to get something planned.

The kids are fine. Max is in summer camp and liking it. He turns 5 next week and I'm taking the day of and we are going to Disneyland for the day (while the twins stay home with the nanny), then a small party for him next weekend. Max is funny and clever and such a good negotiator. He loves to win and so completely doesn't get it when I tell him that having fun and playing fair/nice is more important than winning. He has 4 weeks of swim lessons this summer and did great, but validated my decision to keep him in the early 5's pre school this year. He's not immature, but will benefit from another year of maturity (if that makes sense). He's still so young and yet so grown at the same time. It can be such a contrast. He'll go from board baby and toddler books to chapter books and back in various stages. All of a sudden, I no longer have to get him up every night before bed to prevent an accident.

I'm taking the week off before school starts. We aren't going to go anywhere, but do day trips to the beach, maybe the zoo, travel town, and other fun things that are hard to do on weekends or solo with the kids (as the nanny won't be on vacation and I can drag her along). It will all probably play a bit of havoc on the twins naps, but I think they will be like Max and drop them on the earlier side.

R loves him some trains, which he calls "Percy", especially the Thomas one. Heaven forbid you don't put a fish or shark "nemo" shirt/pants on him with the actual nemo shirt being his favorite. It is getting washed every morning and back on him every afternoon. I almost put it back on him dirty the other day just to avoid the tears and tantrum and "no, nemo. no, no, no, no. NEMO" as only a true terrific two can go on without distraction. He is talking a lot and most of the time even understandable. He has mostly been out of his crazy distructo who are you bad attitude grumpy kid and is actually pleasant to be around most of the time as long as you aren't N.

N is starting to hold her own with her bro's who still like to grab and push her around. The sibling without rivalry book is often in my mind, especially with her, when it talks about not always going to the rescue of the "victim". This morning during speech, she actually told Max, no mine, pushed him away and held on when Max tried to take it away. The therapist and I were so proud. The girl cries so much more than Max or R ever did or would think about (but R is a much bigger whiner). Most of the time, I think it is even real. Tonight, R got hurt and got up on my lap for snuggles. N wanted up. She went to where R got hurt, started crying just like he had and saying owwie, just so she could get up. Note to self (as I saw it all), N can be a total faker to get her way. Watch out for this. She is still receiving speech, OT, and early intervention. She's doing great and starting to talk a lot more. She is just so much slower and methodical about things than her run off half cocked full speed brothers. She has the most radiant smile. I don't usually wear or even have much makeup so she isn't seeing me put it on...maybe ever...yet, she is in my makeup drawer every day pulling things out, trying to figure out what they are and trying to talk me into putting "it" on her. Today, the "it" was mascara. She pitched a fit and threw it into the tub when I wouldn't. :) The girl has a temper, but usually gets over it fast.

Work is fine, busy and going well. Still a bit too busy and stressful, but NOTHING like the last job. If I could just muster energy for a bit more overtime I would be in better shape, but I'm just so tired at the end of the day because I've stayed up far to late the night before and the cycle continues.

Burnt out

2010-07-12T22:57:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been rush rush rush, then go on vacation and get sick once you finally have time to sit for a minute? That's about how I've been feeling...like the last two years are catching up with me. I still can't get done everything I need to in a day. Work is WAY less stressful, but not without some stress. The kids are all basically fine. We are out of the turn over the dog/cat water bowl phase or drop dog food into water bowl for fun, or spin all the TP off the roll because it is fun phase. We are more into the climb up the toilet and turn on the water and use all the soap to "wash" and if it is Ms. N not turn it off and go wander off. :) Probably another year off, but I'm really looking forward to being out of diapers. I don't mind them per se, but Mr. R is a PITA to change. He makes it such a physical struggle every single time. It's exhausting and I wake up feeling tired most of the time. The dog has me/us out walking more. He's getting twice a days. Not as long as I would like at times, especially during the week, but better than none. With the old job, it would not have even been conceivable. Nothing major going on, yet lots of little things. Made Bee Feeders in Max's class today. Seeing him so excited and happy makes it all worth it. What is a Bee Feeder you ask? Pollen/Flowers from the garden glued on pine cones with honey. A take off of the Bird Feeder. An original Max idea/creation. All the kids loved it. Max started swimming lessons today of the official variety. Watching him affirmed for me that putting him in the early 5's instead of K was the way to go. He just doesn't follow direction well. N is starting to talk more. She was a major crabby girl this weekend which is quite out of character for her, but now is back to normal with the addition of a snot nose. R is R. Lovable, challenging, exhausting, utterly charming and smart as a whip. He's starting to talk so you can actually understand him. I'm hosting a summer SMC pool party this weekend. Had only a small family party for the twins last month for there b-day. May not have one at all for Max, but taking him to Disneyland for the first time for his big 5 birthday on his birthday next month. Trying to get at least one camping trip scheduled for the summer. Like I said, nothing big, just lots of little things.

The stats

2010-06-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

The official two year stats are as follows:

N
Weight - 25 lbs, 25%
Height - 33 1/2 in, 40%
Head - 18 3/4in, 50%

R
Weight - 26 lbs, 25%
Height - 33 7/8 in, 28%
Head - 19 1/8 in, 49%

Of course, we didn't actually discuss the stats and talk about adjusted vs. not adjusted. And, the fact that they were preemie never came up. How great it that?

Usually, the appointment goes something like this...me, with all three kids are led back with two of the three screaming like they are being tortured. There maybe occasional lulls in wailing while no medical personnel are in the exam room. The nurses, doctor and I try to carry on a conversation while the two smaller children are in hysterics and Max tells them random things or asks questions near and dear to his heart at the moment.

Today, my cousin and her daughter stayed until tonight and went along. Max and CC (who is now 13) stayed on the waiting room for most of the visit. My cousin and I took the twins back to room 5. She learned I wasn't kidding when I thought the previous kids reluctance to be led back was mild compared to the twins. Ah, she learned quickly, as they both instantaneously started crying (very loudly) when the nurse called their name. Continued to scream through the torture of the "measuring" phase of the appointment. She valiantly tried to sooth. While I laughed, knowing it was a vain attempt. One measuring was complete, she took one back to the waiting room. Doc H came in examined the first victim. We took a short break while I switched kids. He examined the second victim. He suggested I take victim 2 to rejoin victim 1 in waiting room. Then, he and I had a very pleasant 10 min or so to chat sans children. Oh, it was so pleasant. Then, everyone returned to room 5 for the shots, where Max made it very clear that HE was not their for shots, only his brother and sister. Then, I sent everyone out to the car where I used the restroom and checked out in peace. Very early in the appointment, my cousin (who commented a few times that her kids never acted like this) said that she now saw why I asked her to come and help. I just laugh thinking about it.

Anyway, since we had no children to talk over or interrupt, I find it a bit funny in hindsight that we never did talk about "the stats", but really, they are fine and growing well.

We covered all of what I would consider the basics. R can now move to an inhaler. N needs something before dental exams (have the script for the dentist). No major behavioral or milestone issues either of us were worried about. Talked a bit about regional center and their lack of funding pretty much anything and how lucky (knock on wood) that ours hasn't been cut.

He recommends sun screens which block instead of use chemicals (discussed in response to my question) that have Dtanial (sp?) Dioxide and Zinc Oxide with a specific recommendation for Neutrogena Sensitive or Blue Lizard to avoid the rash that Max and N tend to get with many lotions or sun screens.

Stopping by Travel Town for a quick train ride, dinner, a swim, a walk rounded out the rest of the afternoon and evening before the kids went to bed and my cousin hit the road.

And, tomorrow is another day where Max starts summer school and I try to catch up on missing 3 hours of work.

Ray and Nora are 2

2010-06-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it? Happy Birthday to you!

Jenny - Wishing ultimate success in your upcoming cycle. Please leave your email so we can chat.

Life's a blur

2010-05-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

Life just seems to be happening so fast. The days and weeks and months are blending together and I'm not quite sure how I have gotten to Memorial Day weekend (with still my taxes not done and needing that money for summer school for Max and other things) and summer.

I've started the new job and it is fine. Busy, but not crazy busy. I only worked like 45 hours last week and 42.5 the week before. I should have an could have worked more, but I'm burnt out and have had other personal things going on. I used to love my job, now I don't hate it most days and it is fine. I don't love it. It's not just the kids, although that is part of it. I would love to be a full time stay at home mom, even more so now that the twins are older and it isn't all about changing diapers, bottles, pumping. There have just been so many changes and the culture that I loved and the values that were important to me when I joined and the reason I stayed for almost 20 years just aren't there anymore.

I had a 2 day work trip to meet the new client and it was fine. It would have actually been nice had my childcare cost that week been so high and the fact that on the second day I got my monthly "flow". Thank heaven I was home on Day 2 as OH MY WORD did I bleed and bleed and bleed. Every hour or so I needed a complete change of underwear and clothes. I actually looked up hemorrhage and thought about calling my OB, but alas it passed.

We've had exciting things going on the last few weeks with the kids like first R getting the stomach bug, then Max causing him to miss school for a few days (and that last afternoon when he was actually starting to feel better was enough to validate that I made the right decision to keep him in summer school and camps), then N, then me. The twins are still having loose stool and a bit of diarrhea on and off from that bug. At one point, N and Max were in the bath and N puked all over Max (good times, let me tell you) and Max said "oh, this is just horrible" in the funnest tone of voice. Other than that, he did well with the situation and let me drain off the water, clean off N, then clean off him, then the toys. We moved right from that into dripping snot noses and colds/coughs this week.

Under the insane category, a new puppy joined our family last week. He's a 9 month old black lab/German Shepard rescue. Yes, yes, I swore no puppy's until the kids were older. I have been keeping my eye open for the right dog for awhile now and had actually indicated interest in a few other rescues that didn't pan out and Speedy/Woof (still debating names, but think Speedy is going to win even if it is quite adorable how the twins follow him around and call him Woof. He is really quite good with his biggest downfall in my book this ability to stand on his back paws and reach my counter. He hasn't gotten anything from it yet except for a few peas and corn the other night missing the chicken a bit back from that. This is trainable and he has such a fun, lovely personality. At first, I was just going to foster him until we met him and Max came home and told his Nana (who was watching the twins) that we went to heaven and found another Shadow (our other dog who also happened to be a black lab/German Shepard mix who died after the twins were born between when R and N came home from the hospital). My heart melted and here he stays.

If I said getting a dog was all for the kids, I'd be lying. I've missed having a dog in our family. The thing I've missed the most from my pre-kid days is my early morning hikes with the dogs before work. I'm getting a teeny tiny smidge of that with Speedy. With the new job, I have the nanny working from 8 to 4:30. If I have everything ready by 8 and can dash out the door with Max and drop him off at the school, I can almost fit in a 20 minute walk at the park and get back to be sitting down and working by 9 am. Then, at night, after dinner and a bit of outside play, I've been putting the twins in the stroller and Max has been riding his bike and we've been taking a walk before baths and bed. It's not much, but it is much better than nothing. I'm feeling healthier and happier. He really is a love and doesn't really seem like all that much extra work, but that could be I'm just so used to a crazy caotic life by this point.

During all this, I've had to switch from a central time schedule to a pacific time schedule and it's taken awhile. The twins moved bedtime and wake time back a bit at a time with only minor issues mixed in with sickness and diaper rashes and diarrhea and maybe a back tooth or so. Max was much harder and is his MO going to bed later causing an even earlier rise time. This is getting better and a few times we have gotten up around 6:30 am which was my old start work time. Mostly, it is still around 5:30 - 6 am. I'm going to bed later because the kids are going to bed later and I just need a bit of time alone to veg out with the TV and/or on the computer.

N finally started speech therapy (at the lovely hour of 7:30 am once a week). The early intervention specialist that has been coming since the twins were babes has resigned and a new one starts next week. That should go over well -- NOT. N is getting better about change, but it is still hard for her. She is very distrustful/reserved with new people. I like to call it slow to warm. N still has OT. With them coming up on 2 in a few weeks...CAN YOU JUST BELIEVE THAT?...they've had progress evaluations. Once again they are going to recommend OT and speech for R. We will see if we can get it added. While N tends to be more sensory seeking and slow to talk. R tends to be more sensory avoiding and loves to talk and say new words and shout "Mom, Mom, MOM, MOM...cah" for car. Mom, Mom, Mom...Mak for where is Max. Etc. Imagine the MOM part being shouted at the top of his lungs. I really do need to get some video of him and Max sing "Woof, Woof, who let the dogs out".

After having the consult well over a year ago and dropping off the paper work a year ago, I got a call from the lawyer saying the living will trust was finally prepared and in the mail. This was, of course, after countless, countless emails and finally last week telling the receptionist who instantly recognizes my name I've called so much I either wanted the paper work by the end of the month or I was terminating our relationship and filing a complaint. In her defense, she has some sort of health issue or accident or something. Hey, I can understand busy and behind with the best of them, but my patience had run out. Since I've actually been left messages twice before saying I would be getting the paperwork and haven't, I'll believe it when it shows up. But, this time I'm hopeful because I actually talked to the lawyer who confirmed my address and said it was done and only had to be mailed.

There is still rarely time to catch up with a friend via email or phone let along in person. And, I really, really, need to find the time and energy to get my taxes done...not to worry an extension was filed. I don't think I can remember the last time I went out. And, think it is sad that things are so crazy that I don't even mind that much.

I'm sure there is more, but who can remember and it is getting late. I've got company in town and am hosting a family event tomorrow with 2 of my cousins, 1 of my sisters, and my mom.

Whew!

2010-04-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

No, no, not done with the old job yet. Yes, yes, was supposed to be on new job full time on the 16th. The end is in sight. Hopefully tonight was my last night working or at least having a work meeting in awhile. I'll probably have to put in extra hours to catch up more on the new job. I'm tired. I am not stress free, but I do feel the stress reducing.

We are in the process of moving off of central time zone and I'm trying to get my mind around what our new schedule and Noemi's hours should be. This week, we moved from 6:30 am - 3 pm to 7 am - 3:30. I think next week I will go to 8 am - 4:30 pm. And, probably the week after 8:30 am to 5 pm. As hard as it was to go to the early schedule, I guess we all got used to it and have been in a good routine. As much as I was not looking forward to going solo with the kids in the afternoon, it mostly goes okay.

3 pm Take twins to pick up Max
3:15 pm Max fuss at school and pout because he wants to stay and play longer (his closest friend is in a different class most of the rest of the day and he only gets to see him after snack in the afternoon and a bit when they both have afternoon play outside in the morning)
3:30 pm Kids play while I pull together something for dinner or put last minute touches
4 pm Eat Dinner
4:15 - 4:30 pm Start outside play
5 pm Baths
5:30 pm Twins in bed
6:30 pm Max in bed, I resume work

Working until 5 pm is going to kill this schedule. I tested with moving bedtimes back a bit this weekend. The twins actually did okay if you could get back Rmelting down cause he just can't hang tired. The kid looses it. The big problem is Max. When you push his back, same as when he was a babe, he wakes up earlier as in the 4 am early hour. If I could manage to put him to bed first, it may work, but no way, no how will that work. What I've done this week is shorten the amount of time between their bedtimes so he has gotten less 1:1 time then and that has gone okay. BUT, since he is getting up earlier he is getting more 1:1 time in the morning cuddling and watching TV will I groan and try to doze.

I think ultimately for the morning schedule, I'm going to try to leave the house at 8 am with the twins to take Max to school and start work at 8:30 am when I get back/Noemi arrives with next week practicing that schedule of leaving with Max at 8 am without the twins. With me working at 6:30 am and taking him at random times depending on the day of the week and my work schedule, there has been too much TV watching and lallygagging. He will be spending longer at school, but he has been literally crying or getting teary eyed or at least complaining daily about wanting to stay longer so I have only minimal guilt.

I'll probably have Noemi pick up Max in the afternoon with the twins around 4:30 while I wrap up work and get dinner done. Then, maybe 5:15 pm dinner. Then, right into baths and bed. I just don't see how I can get in outdoor after dinner play with this schedule. We will have to see how it goes.

I'm probably going to have to travel next Wednesday and the Tuesday/Wednesday the week after. I'm going to try to get out of the travel for next week if I commit to the 2 day trip the week after. I really do need to make a few trips soon, meet people, but it is just such a pain, is tiring, and just messes havoc with an already changing schedule. Not to mention that I'm feeling so fat and frumpy and unstylish that I really am not looking forward to that internal discomfort and trying to find work clothes that I feel comfortable in, are appropriate, and if not exactly stylish at least not too outdated. I've been working from home full time for almost 10 years now. I have nice dress pants that are fine. It's the tops and uppers that just need some help.

The kids are fine. Another cold/snot noses over the last few days just in time for N;s recheck of ears at the peds on Monday. Reminds me that I meant to put some eye drops in Max before bed as it was looking a tad irritated, but alas...tonight was not one of those smooth bath/bed times. R lost it in the tub because Max started playing with the motorcycle that he had stopped playing. He was throwing such a fit I had to actually run and put him in the crib real quick and then get N and Max out, then go back and get PJ's on everyone. I've learned and what works well on most days is take towels and diapers in and have on hand. Take one twin out, dry and diaper then place behind and encourage to leave bathroom; take second twin out, dry and diaper then encourage to leave bathroom; then get Max out and dried. Since no one has left the bathroom at this time and everyone is getting into trouble (i.e. pulling trash out, climbing on the toilet, playing on the toilet, turning on the sink faucet), I usually end up shouting "OUT, EVERYONE OUT!" as I drain the tub, pull the clothes, diapers, shoes, out and close the door. Or, at least get everyone out and close door to hopefully remember to return later to pick up.

N is getting quite accomplished...at entering an open bathroom door and any and every opportunity, playing on the toilet (Max went to pee this afternoon and comes out and tells me two of my spices had been thrown in and one of the cat's bowls was found in mine, along with cat food in the toilet, on the toilet seat, and on the floor..again), climbing on my bed and getting to my computer, the TV, the remote has now been missing for a few weeks, climbing on Max's bed and top bunk, climbing on an breaking Max's train table. Repeated 'NO' is met with a smile of pride in her accomplishments and been a zero deterrent. She has started talking some. She has "Mine, Mine, MINE, MINE, MINE" down and quite clearly. Good thing she is so charming and easy going. Unless you tick her off or hurt her.

R is talking more. He's smart as a whip. He's really been in to cars, and trains, and pushing and moving objects too and fro, and making car and train and engine noises. He really doesn't do tired or sick well. He gets whinny. He goes out of his way to cause trouble. For example, the other week we were at a family get together and the twins refused to nap. He starts getting into what I call the danger zone and out of the blue walks up to a table and swipes his hand across it basically dumping the contents onto the floor. Or, he will walk up to someone...me, N, Max and just randomly hit them. Just because. It can almost be comical to watch...if it weren't so annoying and cause such havoc with all three kids because he sure knows the triggers for all of us. Good thing he is so charming and eager to please the rest of the time. Plus, he is my cuddler. He just melts in and snuggles. On nights when things are really out of control or naps have been boycotted, I can suggest that Max go watch a TV show (or suggest he might not get one in later if at all depending on his mood and what will most motivate him) to take him out of the mix. N can 90% of the time be counted on to follow, hang out with him, and they almost 99.9% of the time can be counted on to get along and 90% of the time not get into too much trouble together. With them out of the mix, I can put on lullaby, rock R, and have him asleep in 10 -15 minutes. Then, go retrieve N, rock her for a bit, and get her relaxed and settled (very, very, very rarely will she fall asleep in my arms...like maybe 5 times in 23 months. Then, I can go tend to Max and get him to bed. It has been a fine tuned system.

Max is getting so darn big. He also is a smarty pants. Still likes to joke and play tricks. I do see him maturing a bit over the last month or two over all filled with regressions in baby behavior (i.e. going and grabbing a toy from his brother mostly or sister occasionally shouting MINE as R and then N have been doing); or wanting to read books he liked as a baby or toddler; or spending longer than one could think possible entertaining himself playing the Giggles Baby Time Shapes). I still need to get him up about 2 no more than 3 hours after he goes to bed to use the toilet or he will wet the bed. If that happens, we can go months without a bed wetting incident. Then, we will have a cluster of 2 -3 days in a row or 3 out of 5 days in a week for some reason. He loves to talk. His pants are constantly falling off his hinny giving everyone in the vicinity plenty of booty and butt crack views. Belts have not helped. Pants with the adjustable waists have not helped. He is really starting to play with the twins. He and R have more times where they can get along and play nicely for long stretches, unless Max isn't in the mood and then poor R is just yelled at, ignored, or grabbed from.

All and all, things are fine. Ready for work to not be such a drain and try to slowly get caught up on things...like paying taxes (yes, a formal extension was submitted) and deciding on things for the summer. I'm going to put Max in school for the first 6 week session at his school, but am thinking about not for the second 3 week session. This will give a 5 week stretch before next year starts, which is too long. But, I want to see if I can find a summer camp that will have him in the water every day. I've found two that seemed okay, but the price of one week is almost the cost of the three weeks at his school so I'm pondering.

A light at the end of the tunnel

2010-04-07T21:28:00.001-07:00

I see a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm pretty sure it isn't a train coming to hit me head on. I picked up my new job on the 1st, but don't give up my existing job until the 15th. New job should be MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better, but I will have to do a bit of travel in the beginning. Until then, I am trying to do existing job which is really 2 or 3 jobs and my new job which is a full time one. I'm stressed out to the max and I can handle a lot of stress. Now, that I'm going to hopefully be free of the madness of the last 9 months; that my friend who replaced my boss that took the hit for the sad state of affairs has come in and validated it hasn't been my imagination and after only 8 weeks is working to get herself out; that I can remember the way things should be done in the new assignment; I can admit to myself how much I hate what I have been doing and how unhappy I have been. I'm also angry at how this has interfered with my personal life in so many ways. I have carved out time for the kids, but so many things have suffered. I still need to get my taxes done. I would normally have taken this week off to spend with Max and the kids since Max is out of school and instead I'm working crazy long hours and it just pisses me off. The rest of this week and next are just going to suck and I hope and pray after that that it just gets better and better and I can stabilize out, de-stress, and get caught up on things.

Isn't it just the way of it

2010-03-24T20:27:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it seem that often when you finally bring something up and express it outside of your mind, you almost jinx the situation? If you tell someone you don't have that problem with your kid, next thing you know...voila. If you mention that sleep is going well, ah well, your doomed for a few bad nights. And, because I mentioned I hadn't yet had a period here the other day...guess what is making an appearance. Pure coincidence already set in motion.

In other news, R is doing fine. Still did breathing treatments on him. N was really wheezing and not sounding so good so she got a few hersself. She tolerated the first two well, the third not so. I think she was happy to be in R's spot and "getting a turn".

The early intervention specialist (let's call him MP) told me today that R is counting as in MP: One R: Two MP: Three R: Four. When I or Noemi came around, R stops. MP and I laughed saying that R is dumming himself down so he can get away with more and both agreed there was a certain truth to that. R is scary. Max now knows how to work the cable box to get to his pre-recorded shows and can read enough to pick the show he wants and to save them instead of delete, restart, that kind of thing. Today, R did it. The exact right buttons in the exact right order. Scary. Not the OMG he can't catch a breath scary, but scary non the less.

There are a few rules that preschool enforces so I do as well. One is picking up toys and the other is clearing the plate. Since R sees Max do this, it only took a bit of encouragement and praise to get him to do this himself. He has to stand on his tippies and slides it into the sink. He is so proud of himself. N doesn't seem to need or care about praise the way her brothers do, my first attempts to get her were met with looks like "are you crazy? I'm not doing that!" so I just left her be and lo and behold, she is starting to come around and will clap for R when he does it, then do it herself and get a big smile. Yes, I do use sibling rivalry and competition to my benefit on occasion. :) The thing is, they are both pretty good at it and neater about it than Max. Yes, sometime the plate falls or some stuff fall off, but not as much as you might expect.

Guess who isn't working (other than a quick email check after the kids are in bed to make sure nothing urgent has come in) nights this week? It feels good, but I almost don't know what to do with myself. Changes coming on the work front, but that's a topic for another day and should all end fine and maybe even good or better than good.

PTSS?

2010-03-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have a friend that says I have post traumatic stress syndrome. Although, PTSS doesn't look like quite the right acronym. I know she is right about this. I've read and heard this is common of parents ... of mom's... who have survived a child/children in the NICU. I still can't really look at pictures of the twins from the hospital or think too much about that time other than the abstract.

The further out from the end and as the twins have grown and done better and all of the specialist follow up's have tapered off, the easier it has become.

Until....something happens that takes you back.

We've had a winter of normal kid sick stuff. Colds and coughs. Pink eye. Nothing that had me worried since Thanksgiving week when R had some strider/breathing difficulties, croup, and cough which made me remember the prior Thanksgiving weekend where we spent in the hospital, but with aggressive breathing treatments, it stayed in control. I've been so thankful that we were able to get the flu and H1N1 vacinese and boosters early in the season. Heck, we hasn't even been to the peds so far this year until yesterday when I took N in for pink eye and ear infection.

Last night was a rough night. N only had a short late nap on the way home from the peds. R was coughing and fussy and crying on and off. I thought he may also be getting an ear infection, but no fever. I tried to get them to sleep upright in the stroller, but they were only content there if I was in the room. They wouldn't fall asleep in it. N was in her night time diva mode where any attention, no matter how needed for her twin was ticking her off, which just makes it all more difficult. Finally, probably in complete exhaustion, they settled and we got a bit of sleep. Morning came all too soon and I had Noemi get aggressive with breathing treatments with R since it seemed like his cough was getting worse. By about 2 pm, I have Noemi do yet another treatment while I call the peds because he was getting worse. He was really struggling to breath and pulling and was just wanting to be held and lethargic. Peds said bypass them and go to ER.

I'm crying. Just like that. I'm back to the early trauma. Noemi's crying. And, we pack up and off we go. On the way, trying not to loose it and calling to get some plans in place in case he gets admitted. By the time I get there, thankfully, he was breathing much better. Finally the treatments started to kick in. Since we were there, I decided to go in and check in, but as we waited, he continued to improve. Net result is, I told them we were leaving, got home, gave him another treatment, and put them all to bed. My neighbor came down to help, watch the twins while I ran to the drugstore (because as luck would have it we were out of Albuteral and no way was I going into the night without having that on hand) and is such an sweety just called to say she had her clothes all set out and could be here in 2 minutes if problems should arise in the middle of the night.

Haven't heard a peep from the twins sent they went to bed. Not a cough. Sleeping solid, sound, and peaceful.

I'm so happy that we got it under control and we are all sleeping at home. And, praying it stays that way.

If I hadn't had to live it and seen it, one could think that I over reacted, but I have too much history and know better. Watching your kid not be able to catch a breath is not something you forget. Trust me on this.

Just another reminder of how fragile life is and the rocky beginning the twins had. I could have lived without it.

Buried Under

2010-03-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've just been buried under by life and responsibilities lately. Nothing too exiting or too terrible going on. Just working too much, too stressed, trying to enjoy the kids. Just mundane everyday stuff. One cold after another. Pink eye here. Pink eye there. Snot noses. Cough cough. Nothing serious, just annoying.

I've wondered on and off if I could be depressed, but think it is just situational. I'm starting work every weekday early (6:30 am). Working every night after the kids are in bed (from 6:30 pm - 9 or 10 pm). Breaking from 3 pm -6:30 pm to spend time with the kids. Then, have trouble falling asleep. I'm just tired and have nothing extra to give. The project I'm working on is in serious trouble. We are getting all kinds of "help" and some of it is helpful and some of it not. Out of the blue, I got called by an old colleague/friend with a job offer. I'm not sure I'm free to transfer out at this point, but if I am...I'll likely make the move. It will put me out of the house, but the office I would work out of it closer to my house than the grocery store or Max's school. Can't get much better than that, especially in LA.

I've wondered if I could be seriously ill, but had a physical and my labs were actually even better than they have been in recent past.

My hormones are whacked. No time or energy to do even basic research on menopause or peri-menopause. After I stopped pumping, I went on the pill (one of those seasonal ones where you go 3 months without having a period) that I quit in month 2 because the break through bleeding was driving me crazy. And, I haven't had a period since. My ovaries hurt every now and again. One of the benefits of so many failed fertility treatments is that I know it is just them trying to stim with no success (or I really am seriously ill :). The last week or two, I've been oozing oil and having to wash my hair and face twice as often as usual because I can't stand it.

Not to say that it is all drudgery and no fun. I'm getting out with all the kids more and more frequently. Heck, we did both Walgreen and Costco yesterday getting the twins to nap late, but we were out of milk so it had to be done. Last Monday, Max's school had a fundraiser at a local dinner that I took them to an early dinner. Last weekend, we went to a local single mom's get together and had a good time. I took Max to meet Sid the Science Kid. I've met up with a few friends for dinner. And, missed a few events due to sickness and total lack of energy. I'm only lasting tonight because I dozed off today when the twins were sleeping next to Max playing on my laptop.

The weather turning nice. The pictures are from today. We have entered what I call "Outdoor Bathing Season". It extends both outdoor time and bath time and is a big hit around here. I'm fortunate enough to have a hot water hookup to a hose outside so with warm water and warm enough temperatures outside a lot of fun is had and it is a lot less stressful for me. We have moved up to baths not quite every day, but close. I have learned to get one kid out of the tub at a time and towel and diaper before getting the next to avoid poo and pee cleanups, but still end up shouting by the end for Max to get out of the tub and "EVERYONE OUT. OUT OF THE BATHROOM THIS MINUTE." A lot of trouble can be had in a short period of time in the bathroom. Trust me on this one. We don't even bother to put the paper on the roll right now. It is too much of an enticing science experiment to unroll and unravel.

I'm still trying to cook as much as possible, mostly on the weekends as there just isn't the time during the week. Yesterday was pancakes, Costco pizza, and beef stroganoff. Today was french toast, PJ and pork/beans (yes, an odd combo, but it was by request), and what I'll call chicken roll (chopped chicken mixed with broccoli, mayo, cheese, dill, garlic salt wrapped in cressant roll dough except I apparently didn't have broccoli in the house so substituted corn and peas) with enchalatas made for tomorrows dinner as well. Almost any and all cooking really needs to be done (if it is going to get done) in the morning with or right after breakfast. The kids are usually content to play and get along well enough to get it made and set aside for later freeing up the rest of the day for fun and games.

However, dinner is at 4 pm right now (need to live on Central Time zone for work reasons and it seems to be a good schedule all around) with twins in bed by 5:30 pm and Max by 6:30 pm. The twins are taking one nap starting about 10 or 10:30 am depending on the day and wake up time and sleeping a good 3 hours usually (of course, longer last weekend when we had some place to be and when I couldn't enjoy it). The problem is that I'm hungry again before I go to bed so am eating another meal or snack too late and doing too much stress eating. I'm just trying to be aware and cut myself some slack. I can handle a lot of stress, but things have been even much for me. I actually started crying when I thought I got called for a jury panel, but ultimately got released because it would have just put too much strain on an already tight schedule. And, I've cried or gotten teary over other things that normally I could take in stride, but I'm just too tired, and too stressed with whacked hormones.

Taking the twins with me to pick up Max and doing the whole dinner bedtime solo is actually going fine most of the time other than the last bit of chaos getting the kids dried and diapered and out of the bathroom (which is why the outdoor bathing is extra nice as it takes away even that battle). I actually quit work early on Friday and could have left them with Noemi, but they like it so much and while a hassle, isn't horrible.

Max is at a fun stage with a lot of whit. The things that kid comes up with. He is a master negotiator. He makes me laugh. He also can get too silly and the potty talk gets old.

N was recommended for speech. In all my free time, I've pushed and pulled for that and expect Regional Center to fund any day now. Mental note, follow up on that. She still puts everything in her mouth, but we have moved from having to pry her mouth open to get it, to having her throw it on the ground in a huff, to her smiling and taking it out and handing it over (at least most of the time). If you can't find her, go check the bathrooms and she can be found in the one that was left open. She has mostly stopped eating the cat food and dumping the cat water, but has moved onto mixing them and putting them in the toilet. She looks sadly at the open toilet paper holders. She has been released from PT and can walk and climb with the best of them and has been faster than R as evidenced by her running away with glee with either some toy he had or tried to take.

R is really talking. Not that anyone would really understand him, but I can usually make out the intent. He can still get a bit whinny, especially if not feeling well. He recently cut all 4 canines at once. He was really hard to like there for a bit. He's my cuddler and he and I can usually carve out 5 or 10 minutes before bed to cuddle and rock while N is off playing solo or with Max. He loves playing kissy kissy smoochie smoochie. He has the most radiant smile. He's smart as a whip. And, as my mom says, watching and picking up like a sponge everything from Max. It's going to get a bit scary soon. Trouble with a capital T. He's been walking around the house saying "mine, mine, mine, MINE, MINE. MINE, mine". I was trying to coach some better behavior and Max came in and countered with "no, you should shout mine and grab". They both laughed and you can guess whose advice he took.

Sadly, another weekend has come to an end with another work week ahead. I wish it didn't fill me with dread.

Randoms

2010-02-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

Work has been kicking my butt. Long hours. Early starts. Late ends. A trip out of town. I think I've had 4 nights "off" in a row this weekend and I needed it.

I'm another year wiser today. Max was so excited and I think not just because of the cake and ice cream. He made me a cake (with a little help) white cake with fudge frosting with sprinkles on top and gumbiy's stuffed in the middle.

Biting into a gumby is a bit odd in a cake.

The kids are good. Need to off load pictures. Of them and the cake.

I've ventured out a few times solo recently. Dinner at a "real" restaurant...CoCo's mid afternoon for dinner. I went recently well. And, today to travel town. They were well and strategically planned.

Max has been on a side walk kick the last month or so. We have train tracks and bus ways all over the back yard. He is starting to "name" his bus and train stations and asking how to spell words.

Max informed me that N O R A is almost NO R A Y. He has a point.

They have all been mostly getting along after N knocked R on his butt a few times.

They were all cling ons and fighting for attention after "the trip", but after lots of time with me this weekend things are smoothing out.

The house is a wreck. Okay, just cluttered. Except for under the table which is gross, but I played on the computer and watched the Olympics. I need another vacation to just focus on reclaiming, but that isn't going to happen.

On weekends, I have all three kids who need some mommy time, plus need to cook up. I can either get the dishes done or the laundry almost done, but it stays in better shape during the week when Max is in school.

I wouldn't have washed dishes today except I needed clean plates for dinner.

Everyone has had snotty noses and some coughs, but nothing major. So glad we got both flu shots.

Things could be better. Things could be worse.

Snot and Crabs

2010-01-31T20:26:00.000-08:00

I lived in the house of snot and crabs this weekend. It wasn't one of our more fun weekends, but I'll still take it over the work I get paid to do. If only....sigh, the break from work in spite of it all was good and really, I'm not ready to start back at it tomorrow.

N is starting to hold her own and fight back. R tried to push her off a toy and she pushed back hard enough he landed on his bum. He was put out. A bit later, he tried to take a toy and she turned and ran away laughing. And, she was faster than he was. He really didn't like that.

Last week, when N tried that, R grabbed her hair and pulled her down. She REALLY didn't like that. Yes, they have started going at it pretty good. I'm mostly trying to let them work it out themselves.

Max has decided that R can't play with him until he is 104. Or, 12 days from now. Or, when he is his age. Or, my age. R, bless him, likes any attention he can get from Max, even negative attention.

Crying kid. Sigh. Guess I got to go back on duty.

Finding the good

2010-01-29T20:21:00.000-08:00

One of the highlights in recent days was N finding the remote control that has been missing for 3+ weeks. Now, if we can just find Max's missing shoe before picture day on Tuesday and R's missing slipper/Robbeze (or whatever they are called) we would be about caught up in the missing household items department.

It's been a long few weeks that has involved mild sickness for us all, whinny crabby kids, and me working lots of long days and nights. In fact, sadly, I am still working at 8:30 pm. Although I vow, I will not work tomorrow night like I did last week. It's going to be this way for awhile and that is just the way it is. I'm going to have to travel in a week or two and I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it in equal parts. The team is going to be there for a full week. I'm only going for 3 (or 2.5 workdays) long days which I feel guilt about but financially (child care extra hours and overnight pay) and emotionally I just can't be gone longer right now. Plus, Nomi's 90+ year old mom is here visiting and she will need to get someone to stay with her mom so she can stay with my kids. The logistics of single motherhood can get complex.

I kid you not. I have 1288 unread work emails right now. There just isn't enough time to keep up.

I have so many critical personal things that are just not getting done. Big things. Important things. Bills and paper work things. We won't even mention the Christmas Cards that haunt me every time I pass them, which is at least 20 times a day.

I can handle a lot of stress and I'm feeling pretty stressed out these days.

This weekend it will just be a low key family weekend with no plans. I can't really say no plans because I canceled a party invite to a good friend that I haven't seen in forever and talked to in so long I can't even remember to celebrate the adoption of her son and his birthday. I feel more than a small amount of guilt, but I'm sure everyone else will appreciate more not having the snot and coughs and buggers we would bring with us even more. And, we just need time to chill out and play. We all need a bit more cuddles and play. So, I think I am not even going to cook this weekend as much as "prepare" or maybe even do a big McD's treat one night and just "be".

I'm looking forward to it and we all need it. Now, back to work so I can get to sleep sometime tonight. That has also been lacking. Although, N was so knocked out last night and R up crying so much that he finally got that co-sleeping. Interestingly enough, without R in the room she slept much later than normal...or she is just sick and extra tired. At least someone around here got extra sleep. Right, back to work so I can at least get some.

The twin factor

2010-01-24T21:20:00.000-08:00

If R was not a twin, he'd be co-sleeping with me tonight. If N, wasn't N, maybe the second choice would be for R to sleep on my chest in the rocking chair in their room. But, R isn't a singleton and N is his twin and nothing pisses her off more than R to get extra attention during the night. And, heaven forbid you take him from the room to give him medicine or do a breathing treatment or try to have him sleep in my room. Oh, the drama and fits that ensue. A month or two ago, I did it anyway thinking she would fall back to sleep. Nope. An hour later, she was still going strong even after I took poor R back. In fact, she was so pissed, she got out of her crib. When the screaming sounded louder, I went to check it out and found her in the middle of the kitchen. Now, they sleep in a crib tent and I'm almost positive that I had zipped it back up so not sure how exactly that happened, but she can be one determined and stubborn girl that one. She is going to be a force to be reckoned with as she grows. The funny thing is that she isn't so much that way during the day. She is more apt to be off doing her thing and her brothers are drawn to her like a magnet and she either revels in the attention or sets them straight depending on what type of attention they are doling out at the moment. She is mostly content to let R get all the attention while getting breathing treatments, probably because there is a show on and they usually only get TV/DVD's for that although if she does approach for attention, she does so cautiously and approaches from the opposite side R is on to avoid a kick to the head. But, at night....no way, no how are you not giving her her due. She might not always scream. It's sometimes worse when she just stands at the edge of her crib or sits there mouthing her lovely watching you. She will not sleep with me in the room.* And, at this point, she will not sleep with R not in the room. So, poor R is feeling under the weather and for the better of the entire family is in his crib by himself in the room he shares with his sister/his twin. Hopefully, the Tylenol will bring that temperature down a bit and the fresh PJ tops (the one he had on was a bit damp as was his hair as he tried to sweat some of it out). And, as bad as I know he feels as I was changing him he smiled and said "ta da" like I have been doing when taking on/off shirts and getting hands out of sleeves. Because, that's the way he roles. At night, as long as his basic needs are met with milk, a change, medicine, a quick cuddle, he doesn't seem to mind letting it become the N show. Most often, they balance each other well.

* A few weeks ago, I had a rare night out with friends. I didn't think I was going to be able to make it since I hadn't been able to find a sitter, but it just so happened it was the night before grandparents day at Max's school so my mom staid over and watched the kids for me. R had woken up crying and when she went in to check it out. N did her fit thing and my mom held and rocked N for probably almost 2 hours. I found her there when I got home. I laughed when I heard this and called her a "sucker". N will cry ALWAYS to get her due, but as long as R is there, she will settle down after a minute or two. I took over for my mom, rocked N for a minute or two, kissed her, put her in the crib. She cried for about 30 seconds. The thing is N didn't fall asleep the whole time. She touched her face. She snuggled in. She loved it, but she won't sleep. My mom didn't seem to mind and probably good bonding for both of them. Neither twin usually gets that much 1:1 so I was fine with it. But, boy can she and will she work it at night. It's not even really that R woke her up. 98% of the time she will not fuss with him. She will let him do it all to get the attention in the door. Then, forget the fact that he was upset or sick or whatever, it's all about her. Her night and her day personality aren't complete opposites, but they are different.

Not all work

2010-01-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

Life hasn't been ALL about work lately, but there hasn't been much time for the kids or play either. I knew January was going to be busy, but the reality of it is hard on me and the kids and Noemi as I think I've had late meetings that have run over almost every single day the last week or two. It is being exasperated by the fact that I (and my current boss) think he is going to be removed from his position with the question being whether he is put on a layoff list or moved to another assignment. We have a replanning activity underway and my boss's boss's boss has made it perfectly clear that I, instead of my boss, is on point to run and lead this. Now, my boss's boss's boss is the person I used to support directly in my prior job and he and my boss's boss moved me into this position this summer so we do have a direct working relationship. It's just a lot right now trying to balance it all. And, I have to fit in dinner and getting ready for bed in with my "quality" time with the kids. Then, go back to work and get the rest of my must have done things before I get to go to bed.

Both Max and I had off on Monday and instead of staying in, cuddling up, and spending it as a family, we ditched the twins and took the metro to Exhibition Park downtown. As I was standing waiting for a bus getting drenched in pouring down rain reminding myself that I have not one, but two working cars sitting at home, I reminded myself I wasn't doing this for me as Max danced around trying to catch rain drops on his tongue.

I also managed to buy a new used waffle iron off ebay and give it a trial run this weekend. LOVE it and it is bigger so made it all go so much faster. I think Max ate 3 or 4 and the twins had seconds or thirds as well. I did some cooking this weekend...enchiladas made from left over slow cooked pork roast and slow cooked beef. Max requested meatballs yesterday (Coscto frozen put into crock pot with catchup and jelly on low all day...sounds a bit gross, but I haven't met anyone yet including my kids that don't love them...good for parties as well) and made slow cooked chili today. Truly, I don't remember Monday.

Last week, we had minor flu bugs where Max had a bad tummy ache one Morning. R vomited all over his crib. N vomited all over me. Pretty much par for the course. Max has never been one to have too many tummy troubles. In the last few months, R and N have puked more times each than Max has in his entire life. I think each and everyone of those times N has puked on me.

This week seems to be cold, cough, congestion week. R's been a bit wheezy and coughy, but not bad. We are doing breathing treatments, but haven't needed to be too aggressive. Max seems to have it the worst, but no fever. He's ended up in my bed (early) the last few nights which I really hate but have allowed because I know he isn't feeling well and because work has consumed some of our normal time so I figure he needs it. Last night wasn't as bad because he wasn't leaning into me and be right up against me all night. Also, with this sickness, we've had some bed wetting almost every night. If I get him up when I finish work, he is usually good, but the last few nights including tonight he's peed before that has happened or anyway. At least now I know that it is related somehow as the rest of the time (when he isn't sick) he and his bed stay dry.

Many days, I just wish it weren't so busy and I had a few minutes to breath or for basic hygiene like showering. Speaking of showering, I should have taken the chance tonight as I'm sadly overdue, but think I will have time in the morning after my 6:30 am meeting before I have to take Max to school. I'm just trying to remind myself to enjoy the time I can with the kids as much as I can.

We've been having rain and more rain and more rain this week. I've taken/let the kids go out and play in it or the puddles after dinner since they've had to spend so much more time indoors than normal and Noemi/the school don't. They've loved it and I remind myself once again that it isn't for me when I'm then rushed to get the kids dry, bathed, in PJ's and warm when there are three of them and one of me.

Overall, the Neomi leaving at 3 and taking the twins with me to pick up Max is going fine. There are days, especially bath days when I'm solo that things get a bit too crazy. Crazy as in, for example, R pee's on the floor before I can get a diaper on him. N pee's on the floor before I can get a diaper on her. R diaper gets off and he poo's on the table he has climbed on. While I'm trying to get him cleaned up first as it is all over his freshly bathed body, Max is laughing and trying to get N to go "play" in it and no amount of telling him that it isn't funny convinces him. So I've learned the hard way to not totally do one child, but to do one round of dry everyone off. Another round of getting diapers only on twins. A third round of getting PJ's on. It all wouldn't be so bad if once they were in bed, I was done. But, I just go back to the work I'm paid to do.

Somewhere in all of this my cousin came for the weekend because she left a bag here she needed and she/they (her husband and daughter) helped get Christmas put away, we had a party for her daughter who is a newly minted teen, and they watched the kids so I could have a rare and lovely night out with the girls.

This weekend, I think it is just us. No big plans. No birthday parties. I think we all need it. Some chill not frills time. I'm looking forward to it. I think the kids are as well. Only a few more days. Then, it starts all over again. I guess we are in a live for the weekends phase right now.

Less behind

2010-01-10T12:55:00.001-08:00

When my cousin came last weekend, she left a bag here that has stuff in it she needed so back again they came this weekend. And, helped take down all the Christmas decorations, took the twins yesterday and Max today on long walks to give me a break, watch the kids last night so I could have a rare night out with some friends, and took Max to a birthday party for me today so I could have some twin time. Twins are napping. They aren't back = computer time for me. Yeah! Yes, the house is a wreck and I still need to get those Christmas cards out, but...hey...some biggies got done this weekend. Maybe, just maybe a short nap is calling. Could I be so lucky?

Just behind

2010-01-08T23:47:00.000-08:00

I'm about 70% done with Christmas cards....meaning one has gone out in the mail, about half are written and addressed, but not yet mailed and I need to assemble the rest and get them in the mail.

Christmas decorations are up still. I made a choice not to spend my last few precious vacation days taking them down and doing fun stuff with the kids instead. I don't regret that. And, this weekend, I have company and the start of the birthday party circuit so it's not happening any time soon. They will get down at some point. Max is arguing for leaving it up all year. My hope is that by the end of the month I'll have eeked out time and gotten it done.

Vacation was great. We did some fun stuff like all go to the zoo and the Noah's Ark exhibit at the Skirball. Max and I took a metro trip to the Aquarium, and we had several PJ days. Christmas present were all enjoyed and a big hit

The hardest part about being back to work is how much the kids miss more of my time and attention. Especially N. And, work is really busy and will be probably all year, but especially from now until summer. I worked every night this week and that likely won't change for awhile. Unless by some miracle I become independently wealthy.

Bestill my heart

2009-12-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

Time with Max can be challenging sometimes. He tests and pushes it and can argue and debate at 4 with the best of them. I think he has really enjoyed the downtime and hanging out with the family, but is also starting to miss his friends and school. A play date with his best friend didn't work out for today. He was mostly good, with periods of silly's. One of his favorite things to do these days it egg his brother and sister on OR copy their bad behavior when I correct them...as in R we don't throw food on the floor; N sit down; R sit down; R, N doesn't like to get run over with the shopping cart. It hurts!; N we don't hit, it hurts; etc. and then he will get in the mix. Or, to start trouble will get them going with some such antics. He got sent to time out today because he wanted candy and I had told him he had enough and "no" he said if I didn't let him he would hit me and I responded that would get him a 4 minute time out and I didn't like to be hit, it hurts. And, he hit (very softly) my back...got sent to time out, tried and succeeded in luring his brother and sister in to "play" with him which I didn't allow, got two additional minutes added on for 1) coming out 2) taking down the baby gate and letting N and R back in. Just wanted to set the stage that he isn't an angel. He isn't BAD, just have to stay on your toes, be very consistent, and make sure the lines of appropriate and inappropriate are very clear.

All that to lead to one of my proudest moments as a mom today. After I put the twins down for afternoon nap today (which 85% of the time they boycott these days, but still get/need some rest/down time), Max wanted me to play with him. However, I hadn't had a chance to get the dishwasher emptied or done dishes all day and explained to him that I needed to get my work down first (cuddled and played with him for the entire morning nap for the twins) and he gets his fair share or more of my time (lest you think he is deprived of it...NOT). Anyway, he came up, started helping me unload the dishwasher telling me that with teamwork it would get done faster. He was rewarded by me sitting down and playing with him for a nice long time after we finished emptying the dishwasher and my mom (who has been staying for the holiday, but not helping too much because her knee is really bothering her and she is in a lot of pain) got up and loaded/washed the dishes. I've been getting the random "mom, I love you" and other really nice comments like "thank you for my talking telescope, I love it" and "thank you for making these {my grandma's cinnamon twist}, they are delicious", and he's helped to carry in some light grocery items after asked when unloading, but this is the first time completely unprompted that he did something like this.

Wow, I was so impressed and proud. Makes me feel like I really am doing something right and even when or especially when the going gets tough to stick with it and my convictions.

God, I love that kid so.

Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk

2009-12-23T22:10:00.001-08:00

One of the things I notice, when I spend a lot of time with Max, especially if we are in a car or traveling is....the kid never shuts up. On Monday, we were going to go to the zoo as a family, but the twins woke early and were a tad cranky and Max's listening was not that great and I just put the twins to an early nap and told Max no can do. Plans B and C after a bit of research didn't pan out so I moved up our trip to the aquarium by a day and off we went with my mom along for company. Instead of driving like normal people, we take the metro which involves about 2.5 hours travel one way and one bus way, and two train lines. We spend more time traveling than visiting the fish and sharks and rays and sea lions, but oh...the joy and look on his face is worth it all for little things like being able to pull the cord to request a stop or go over a bridge or underground. He loves it and I don't hate it and when we have the time like on a vacation week, I try to carve out a day for us. But, boy, am I tired after it. Not just because of the travel and effort of being out and about and paying attention to surroundings, but because he is always talking. And, it is difficult to totally tune him out because he seeks input or will ask if you agree or if it is okay and I've learned that I really need to make sure I know what I'm agreeing. Most of the time, I don't mind. Occasionally, it is annoying. Often, I find it facinating to get a glimpse on how his mind works and how he thinks and plays and how he can jump topics (need to watch out extra for that one) and what he can and does pick up on. Mostly, it reminds me of my grandpa calling me a chatterbox. Methinks I must have been the same way when I was young.

The pictures that weren't

2009-12-22T19:31:00.000-08:00

The other day, I got all the kids bathed and dressed and headed out to get professional pictures. It was a nightmare. I ended up walking away almost in tears. A lesser woman I think would have been. It was a place I had used before, since Max was an infant, and have always been amazed and pleased with the shots they got and gave them lots of my money. It was a total waste of time and effort and I'm still really disappointed and bitter. They changed over management and photographers and I will not be giving them a dime. Before we left, I snapped a shot of Nora. Here is the one picture I have for much planning and effort. I don't know what I'm going to do because I really do want some updated professional shots of us. I really want one with me included. Maybe in a few months, the disappointment around this will have faded and I'll try again elsewhere. I don't even need them all looking and smiling at this point. Just ones where they aren't screaming their head off and crying rivers would be nice. Granted, they won't be Christmas shots. I'll never get those or that time back and that makes me very, very sad.

Before and After

2009-12-22T18:51:00.001-08:00

BEFORE

AFTER:

Where did my baby go? For the record, I hate it. And, not just because it was his first cut and way shorter than I wanted or ask. It changes his whole look. To me, now, he just looks like any other little boy rather than the mischievous imp that he is. Yes, I don't like Max's hair after it has just been cut because they always do it too short. In fact, when I told my cousin that I got R's hair cut, she said, you don't like it and it is too short. All true. But, I feel traumatized in a way I never did with Max's first or any other hair cut. Oh well, it will grow. I think I may have to learn to cut hair. Seriously. I think it may only be the way to get the cuts I want. Of course, I can't get them to sit still for a picture so not sure how I'd manage. Maybe I can find a straight jacket to hold them, or at least their arms. I'm not going to wish tomorrow away, but I will be happy when it grows. I want, for him, one length just over the ears. Blah.

18 months and counting

2009-12-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

The twins had their 18 months peds appointment today. It went reasonably well if you don't count the fact that the twins started crying as soon as we got in the office, stopped while they played in the waiting area, started again through most of the appointment, up to and including the parting shot. And, yes, I was there solo with all three. And, yes, I did forget a few things, the biggest of which was asking to get the twins lead tested. And, yes, I did bribe Max with fast food for good listening and good behavior while there. Next appointment not until 2 years...6 whole months...for the next well baby and with any luck (not likely) any sick visits.

The stats, and considering they spent the weekend puking and still have diarrhea (thankfully not while out), are good and Dr. H said all looks well, especially for 29 week preemies, which he says he wouldn't know if he didn't know.

R
Height 31 3/4 30%
Weight 22 lbs 1 oz 20%
Head 18 7/8 50%

N
Height 31'' 30%
Weight 20 lbs 14 oz 10%
Head 18 1/2 60%

% uncorrected

Life is just busy. I've been back to work and it is long days with early and late meetings. The Noemi leaving at 3 pm is going okay. Some days easier than others. I feel like I have so little time to just play with the kids. The twins, especially N, has not taken well going from full time mom for 2 weeks to going back to work and them all being sick hasn't helped.

I'm on countdown to Friday when I will be off again until next year. It won't be the same since Noemi will still come many of the days, but will allow some flexibility so we can do a zoo trip and maybe hit the aquarium (although I think I will leave the twins and just take Max on this one) and do a few other things I just can't do solo with them.

Work is work. Had my yearly review today and it went as expected and we didn't even talk about my personal performance since I wrote my own review (because I am just that kind of a gal) before I took vacation in November, but still left me feeling down. I don't feel trapped per se and like the flexibility and working from home, but it is not the company I hired into. For 19 years, I loved my job. I loved and respected the company I worked for. This last year, I haven't and it has little to nothing to do with the kids. I'm sure I will change at some point and am happy in this economy that I do have a job, but I just wished I liked it more.

Christmas is just going to be a small affair. My mom and the kids and I as both my local sisters are going out of town and a part of me is sad and the other glad.

All and all, things are just fine. Just normal life and kid stuff. And, at the end of the day and the end of the week and then end of the weekend. I'm just tired. And, I did something to my sholder and it hurts, especially when using the mouse or holding the steering wheel. And, I pulled the skin away from under my finger nails on three fingers...while of all things making Christmas cookies in Max's classroom on Monday and it really hurts. Both of these on my right side. And, I've been sick along with the kids...no puking for me, only do that when pregnant you know, but cold, cough, stuffy nose, diarrhea, so tired you ache kind of thing.

Did I mention the heat stopped working last week, on the coldest day of the year (33 degrees outside, high 50's/low 60's inside), but it was restored for a reasonable fee? Did I mention that the twins puked all weekend and still have diarrhea? Nothing like waking up to two cribs filled with vomit with chunks in the hair that several washings don't get out? Or getting puked on. Several times. Or having two cling on children, no make that three, when you just want to get the laundry going to get the stench out of the house.

I haven't cooked since I was on vacation. I haven't even pulled out any of the frozen meals I made as planned. We've been on a dry toast, cheeroes, bland boring diet around here. However, all of this did not stop me from making cookies and my grandma's cinniman twist (for Christmas) this weekend because I wanted to.

Oh, and I'm watching my cousins dog for a few weeks while she is out of town. Just the older one. Not the puppy thank God! Dog arrived on Saturday, amid the height of the sickness. Other than eating the cats food, peeing on the floor, wanting attention, and looking like he is depressed and can't beleive he has to stay here without his family, need to be walked, and just one more thing.

All this to say, none of it is truly bad, just busy and a lot going on which is why I haven't had an ounce of time or energy to spend too long on the computer. Not to mention that my computer sucks and is so slow and locks up regularily. And, the shoulder pain thing and the sore fingers. And, the long work hours. But, I am here and around and life is maybe not exactly good, but not bad either.

And, the twins are 18 months, N is walking like a pro and doing great. Delayed, yes, especially N, but ultimatly, I think just fine.

Suzie Homemaker

2009-11-29T21:13:00.000-08:00

I call this time of year "when the seasons collide". For my own sanity and the enjoyment of the kids, the last few years we have gone straight from Halloween to Christmas decor. This pumpkin we finally got carved last weekend.

Week 1 of vacation is coming to an end and I've been Suzie Homemaker. I've been busting my butt and really, it's been no vacation as I think the only time I've really sat is when giving breathing treatments and on rare occasion to eat, but I'm feeling so proud, in control, and happy with where I'm at and what I have accomplished. The inside and outside of the house are decorated for Christmas, which was no easy feat and involved some major house rearranging. Max's train table that has lived in the family room the last two years is now in his room along with the garage he got from Santa last year. The rocker that was in the family room is now in the twins room (had to swap out because in order to make room for the tree it would have been open with no back wall support and I didn't want to chance one of the kids standing in it and tipping it and doing a face plant into the tile) which involved moving the glider in the twins room into the office and the chair in the office into the family room with its matching partner. I've also done things like moved the excersaucers to the garage moved around toy shelves and taken the leaf out of the kitchen table and moved two chairs to the garage to make the table round. The last few meals the four of us have sat together with the twins in the high chairs without the trays pushed up to the table to eat. I've also had company which helped as my cousin did all the outside lights and her daughter was a big help in decorating the tree and the inside. But, it is also more work in more to cook for, clean up, and more mess. Plus, there was Thanksgiving and cooking/pie baking for that even if I didn't host. The house is far from spotless, but it's looking so much better. I did a deep dive on the floors (meaning rugs pulled up and vacuumed/mopped under) in the family room/kitchen today testing out the new Shark steam mop my cousin bought this week on my behalf that the PT had recommended (because we stay strictly on topic...NOT) that my cousin has and also recommended that was not only on sale, but at a place where I had a 20% coupon. I loved it. I am under no delusions that it will stay that way past 7:30 am tomorrow morning. Yet, tonight while the kids sleep, it looks great.

The majority of all this was done while the kiddo's slept so I could still give them some quality time. And, it was all done with us all under the weather with colds and coughs. I had some flashbacks of last Thanksgiving weekend in the hospital with R as he had croup and strider earlier in the week, but I was extremely aggressive with breathing treatments and he is on the up swing as am I after a much needed nap on Saturday morning while the twins slept and Aunt Terri took Max on an adventure.

Week 2 of vacation I do not plan to rest on my laurels. I want to do a clean up/de-clutter of Max's room and rearrange the twins room to make things better fit after the bigger rocker has been added. I'd also like to get clothes sorted with the right sizes and a deep dive in my room, but I'm counting that as too ambitious as I'm flying solo all week and will really only have when the twins nap and after bedtime.

I'm a bit surprised as being home with the kids is harder and much more physical than the day job I get paid to do, but as crazy and busy as the week has been it has left me wishing I was and could afford to be a say at home mom. I'd have to pace myself more than the sprint of last week, but it would be easier to keep up I think. Noemi works hard, but she isn't as fast and efficient as I am and she would never/could never do the major reworking and organizing that has been needed. I'm tired. I ache. I have a cough and running nose. And, I haven't felt this good and in control since way before the twins were born maybe/probably since they were concieved.

So, next week, week 2 of vacation will be another sprint where I tackle a few rooms and do some more internet Christmas shopping with at least one grocery/Costco run with the twins and schlepping the twins to and fro running Max to school. Then, a two week sprint of work, then hopefully a real vacation to enjoy the holiday. There is really no reason to push myself so hard except personal satisfaction and that is more than enough for me. It just make me happy to feel so caught up.

ps. Thanks for all the recipes. I've been fitting them in as I can. Tomorrow will likely be CoCo's manicotti for supper and the day after the Cabbage dish left in the "Eats" post.

That's why

2009-11-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

As much as our nanny drives me crazy a good portion of the time, I have no intention of making a change because my primary criteria is that I trust the children will be safe in their care (letting Max rule the roost issue aside). Case in point. Today. I had to be out of the house all day for a business meeting, where inciently, I slipped and fell...lovely...yes, it has been awhile...like maybe only twice since I've had kids... since I have worn heals and not only were they a bit tight in the toes, it turns out the rubber heal was missing, but anyway, I digress. I come home to Noemi cleaning N up because she vomited because Noemi needed to do the Heimlich because N was chocking on a piece random plastic from a bead necklace. I'm glad I wasn't here when it happened. And, of course, that all is well that ends well.

Thanks everyone for the recipe and menu ideas. I'm going to try them...next week (or the week after, or maybe in December :)...when I only have to be a mom and not work full time and be a mom. Oh, and thanks to the Menu Monday link. I need to check that out more, but I did browse it and then click on one then clicked someplace else end ended up on this knitting sight where some lovely ladies on a forum gave me pointers on where and how to find someone to knit Christmas Stockings to match the ones Max and I have. Mine, my grandma made for me when I was a wee lad. Max's, my sister found a friends mom make some for her kids and Max when she lived there but she isn't interested any longer.

Long, long day. Long week. I'm tired. I'm achy and sore. I have a lot of work to do, but in 2 days. I'm off for two weeks. I need the break even though I will pay dearly when I return.

ps. Those shoes are now in the trash so that I don't forget next time I need them what a hazard they are to my health.

ETA: And, while someone might make the argument that maybe N shouldn't have choked in the first place, there really is only so much one can do. The entire house is a choking hazard for toddlers with all Max's little things and whatnots. And, with R's propensity to walk around two fisted with sharp pointy objects it's amazing he hasn't poked out an eye yet. They are eagle eyes for one and every breach and are like a magnet...drawn to each and every item you don't want them to have and get distracted for one second and they will be up on the kitchen table (R just because and N to eat the cat food, regardless if she just finished a snack or a meal). They are so used to getting things taken away they see you coming and just hand it over with a grin, happy for the time they had with the contraband item.

Most Frequent Eats?

2009-11-14T20:40:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to add more variety, when I get a chance, into our meals. I've found quite a few excellent recipes on cooks.com and my sister gave me a few of her kid friendly stand by's. What are a few of your favorite or most frequent meals? Not necessarily the recipe per se, unless you think it is spectacular, but just a general title or idea.

Tonight I made, this Alfredo sauce from cooks (http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1855,140166-232207,00.html) that I served with some penne left over from last night mixed with bacon bits and broccoli. Everyone loved it and there were no left overs. It was as good an easy as advertised. I used milk instead of half and half.

The other night I made chili served with sour cream, shredded cheese, and Frettos (sp?, the corn chips). Again, no left overs. We spoon fed the twins to avoid a compete mess. I can't find the recipe I used as a base, but was basically ground beef cooked with sweet onion and a mild chili packet (McCormick I think) mixed with 2 cans of Italian seasoned tomatoes (because that's what I had) and maybe that's it.

I've made ground beef stroganoff a few times. From cooks.com, I read through several recipes and printed two that I kind of combine.

From my sister, I got an easy backed Ziti recipe along with a chicken pot pie one. I also got one that she calls Chicken Roll, where you chop chicken and mix it with mayo, cooked broccoli, cheese, and maybe a few other things/spices, and wrap in cressant rolls that I've only made once so far, but was good. Also, a tater tot casserole that I think R loved and Max/N were luke warm to cold over.

I made chicken/cheese enchiladas last week that were a big hit. Again, I pulled from a few different recipes from cooks.com and altered based on what I had/like. I did both green and red sauce, but think I will stick to just green the next time.

I attempted Spaghetti Carbonara (noodles, egg, Canadian bacon or bacon, Parmesan, basil). It wasn't horrible, but I need a better or actual recipe as I was using a few from cooks and from memory from a friend and didn't have everything.

Before trying to expand, it was just basics like meatloaf, baked chicken served with rice or noodles, sausage served with rice or noodles, pork chops served with rice or noodles, spaghetti, lazagna (frozen), PJ Sandwich (since Max can't take to school about once a week it is served for either breakfast or dinner or a weekend lunch). About once a month I'll do mac n cheese with tuna salad (one the side, not mixed). Occasionally a crock pot roast. I'm sure there is more.

I'm trying to get a list of about/at least 30 standby recipes that are relatively easy/simple to make that I can rotate. Ideally, plenty left to freeze so I can actually cook about 3 times a week (one week night, weekends) and pull from the freezer the other nights.

What works for you/your family or is a fond childhood dinner?

Just life

2009-11-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

I attempted to make light spaghetti pie* for dinner tonight. Except when I went to go pull out the whole wheat spaghetti, I found out that a child had previously dumped it all over the floor and it was no longer available for consumption. So, I decided to move on and used Zitti noodles instead...because they are so similar -- NOT. As I poured in my chunky pasta sauce that I had made last month and frozen for future use on top of the cubed Canadian bacon, I realized they probably meant a MARINARA sauce not a meat sauce on top of the Canadian bacon. I had no black olives and only seasoned bread crumbs. This all took about 20 or so minutes longer than normal because for some odd reason, Noemi decided she needed to clean my bathroom instead of watch the twins (yes, it had been awhile, but it wasn't THAT bad and would have been nice if she would have asked instead of just disappearing) which involved every few minutes stopping to wash my hands and fetch N off the top of the kitchen table. So, it all got in the oven much later than anticipated...in a regular pie plate instead of caste iron pan because I don't have one. By then Noemi was finished with the bathroom cleaning...and I rushed off to pick up Max from school (not having time to get back to my work and get something done I needed) asking Noemi to take it out and turn off the oven when the timer went off. I come home to find out that she had turned off the timer, but left both the oven on and the dish IN the oven which was on its way to burning. Not to be mean, but sometimes I wonder what she is thinking or not thinking and if she is really just that stupid or is being passive aggressive. Anyway, in spite of all that, the kids loved it. They all ate generous portions and seemed to love it. Go figure.

One of the other things I accomplished today was to sort through the mounds of paper work in various places around the house to find this parking ticket that came in the mail from this summer that I quickly glanced at months ago then misplaced and followed up to the extent that I mentioned it to my cousin/her husband who had borrowed my car while they were moving until their cars arrived with all their worldly possessions. I had minor fears of the fine tripling and getting pulled over (with the kids in the car) and hauled into jail (putting them into temporary state custody) because a warrant was out for my arrest because it had not been dealt with it in a timely manner. While being slighty irritated that this even had to take up space in my brain to remember and occassionally think I must really deal with this after helping someone out and then when feeling slightly irritated also remember that the car came back missing one of the hub caps and some jerk put a piece of gum up against one of the exposed bolts. Anyway, finally, I decided today was the day and this really truly needed to be resolved. I planned on just paying whatever the amount was and then email my cousin the amount for her to pay back or not at some point in the future. I read the fine print and found a web page I could find the total amount due and pay on-line and when I got there, I found out that it had been paid on 9/1/09 two days before the fine would have doubled. Good to know. Once less thing to worry about/deal with and yes it would have been nice to know this months ago.

Just life.

*Light Spaghetti Pie

Makes: 6 servings

Prep: 10 minutes
Bake: at 350 degrees F for 40 minutes
Cook: 8 minutes

Ingredients

1/2 pound whole-wheat spaghetti
2 cups chunky pasta sauce
1 cup reduced-fat shredded mozzarella cheese
4 ounces (1/4 pound) Canadian bacon, diced
1/4 cup pitted black olives, coarsely chopped
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1/4 cup unseasoned bread crumbs
3 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1. Heat oven to 350°F.

2. Break spaghetti into thirds and cook 8 minutes. Drain and add back to pot.

3. Stir in the pasta sauce, mozzarella, Canadian bacon and olives. Add the eggs; stir mixture until combined.

4. Coat a 10-inch cast-iron skillet or oven-proof nonstick skillet with cooking spray. Sprinkle the inside of the skillet with the bread crumbs.

5. Spoon the spaghetti mixture into the skillet. Bake at 350° for 30 minutes. Top with the Parmesan cheese and bake for 10 minutes.

6. Cut into 6 wedges. Serve with a green salad tossed with reduced-fat dressing, if desired. Makes 6 servings.

Nutrition Facts

Servings Per Recipe 6 servings
Calories 349,
Total Fat (g) 10,
Saturated Fat (g) 4,
Cholesterol (mg) 166,
Sodium (mg) 820,
Carbohydrate (g) 44,
Fiber (g) 7,
Protein (g) 21,
Vitamin A (DV%) 0,
Vitamin C (DV%) 0,
Calcium (DV%) 0,
Iron (DV%) 0,
Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet

www.parents.com

Nary a skirmish

2009-11-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

Everyone, except me of course and sadly, slept in today. Max climbed in my bed about 2 am saying he had a scary dream and it was too scary to tell me about, ever. Later in the day, he told me the dream was about N and R getting arrested, then started laughing and said "just joking". Ah, that kid. Like many things, I guess I'll never know...and yes, I'm curious! At least I did doze back off after he joined me, but woke up quite a bit because he had to be touching me and reached out for me to touch me or hold my PJ on and off.

Anyway, I wouldn't go so far as to say Max's behavior was perfect today, cause whose behavior ever is really, but everything just seemed to flow and it was markedly improved. The only time we came close was outside clean-up after dinner/before bed. He had hauled all the "equipment" onto the grass to make an obsticale course agreeing that he would put it all back when the day was done. Then, of course, he didn't want to. Instead of going into battle, I used his competitiveness (which was in the forefront of my mind after playing numerous board games with him today..egads, not sure where the kid got it from, but not me) against him and told him to take his time and NOT do it because I wanted to win and clean up the inside/family room first. That got him going. And, yes, I did make sure to let him win.

So, who knows, probably a bit tired and off, something on his mind/bothering him (scary dream), and cuddling and connecting with me while he slept it off. Days like today are so much nicer than days like yesterday.

Switching gears, just a little funny from today. Max is big and strong enough and the twins tolerant enough that when the moods are in alignment like they were today, they will allow him to drag them about. R, typically being more tolerant than N in general. Max gave N a "roller coaster" ride in one of our patio chairs that spins. After she tired of this (which took quite awhile actually), Max went to find R for his turn. He's hauling him across the back yard with his arms under R's armpits and R's feet just above the ground. R kept trying to touch, but was perfectly content to let Max manhandle him that way. Actually, he looked a bit pleased. They get to the chair and Max starts shoving him up into it by his butt and then R figures out what he wants and climbs up, turns around and enjoyed his turn. It was so funny to watch. Then, Max did the same thing to N after dinner for a different reason and she just went with it as well. She lets Max get away with far less than R and will let her temper fly at him having him back away quickly with apologize if she doesn't like what's going on. Today, they just all seemed mellow and tolerant and played nicely. Several times, R and N had some twin game thing going on and just cracking each other up for no apparent reason. One of those times R was at the top of the slide and N at the bottom and I swear R was telling N to move or he'd run her over and she was daring him to try and they just burst out in laughter. Or, not...whose to say.

Oh, and allegedly, N's taken a few independent steps...not that I've seen any of them. Neomi reported that N took two steps Friday afternoon. My mom reported that N took one step at the party yesterday. I have seen nary a one, but she's about to take off and then I think we are all going to need to watch out.

Battling it out

2009-11-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

We are coming out of a really good run of behavior from Max's part. The big issue right now is listening or rather not listening. Based on a comment from Max's teachers in our parent/teacher conference last month and the fact that I'm having to repeatedly ask Max to do some basic things like brush his teeth, get dressed...or to not do things, like help himself to a muffin the other night for dinner, or decide to make himself a smoothy, or to not turn on the misters this morning in low 50 degree weather, or whatever....and based on an incident that happened one morning this week while I was in a work meeting and come out to find Noemi with the twins in their room with the door closed and Max completely unsupervised in the living room because Max told her he didn't want to play or be around his brother and sister so she should either take them outside or in their room (and yes, I DID talk to both of them about this and how unacceptable it is on many levels), I've realized that I need to nip this in the butt. Max and I talked about it last night and he said the consequence should be a time out. He had two today. Both were battles. He could have easily had at least two more. I really hate to be at such odds, but I also think he needs to learn that he can not always have his own way and he does need to listen even if he doesn't agree. It's not all him, I've realized I am not as consistent in this area as I should be. He can just wear me down sometimes or I get side tracked and forget. The whole day wasn't a battle. We finally carved his pumpkin (interestingly enough or not he wanted the pumpkin to have an angry face and was happy with the end result), roasted the seeds, and made a pumpkin pie...then we had a birthday party, but there were far too many times where I was having to really get on him. I'm sure it has been or at least seems a bit worse right now because we are both tired due to our trip last weekend, the time change/reduced sleep, and a busy week. Or, at least those things haven't help. However, trying to crack down on it all just left me feeling like there has to be a better way. I'm not thrilled with time outs. I guess I need to go find and crack out that book from that parenting class I took last year at the preschool as it all seems very hazy. From what I do remember, when you are feeling angry the misbehavior is about control and that sure is ringing true right now. And, it seems like the more I'm cracking down, the worse it is...but that could be the tired talking. I'm all about independence and think it is important for kids to have some control and lots of choices, but I do not want a kid who fights tooth and nail for his own way all the time and doesn't think he needs to listen. As I told Noemi, he is 4, he is not in charge and should not be ruling the roost. I know this is just a phase and the battles now are needed to draw the line in the sand and help him understand what is acceptable and what isn't, but my word it is painful having to live it.

Lessons learned or any BTDT or good strategies to attempt?

A big long moan....

2009-11-05T18:35:00.000-08:00

I almost cried when I did it and I think she almost cried when she heard it. I've been putting it off. Avoiding "the talk", but it had to be done and today was the day. I cut Noemi's hours/pay effective December 7th when she returns from vacation. She will now leave at 3 pm instead of 5 pm. This means I will have to take the twins with me each day to pick up Max, make dinner, have dinner, clean up, get baths and books and bed solo pretty much every single night. I keep telling myself that lots of women/mom's do it all the time and it is just life. I haven't convinced myself as I tell myself that those same mom's don't have a 6:30 am meeting every weekday and a 7:30 pm 3 nights a week most weeks and a 50 hour week + job. It's hard enough during that time with both of us. It really pisses me off and makes me angry that money is so tight right now. One of the big reasons I waited having children was because I didn't want things to be that much of a financial struggle. And it is, and I hate that it is. It does not make me feel beholden to my new employer. I'm tying not to, but am harboring resentment. I don't mind the work so much, but the hours suck right now and I'm pissed that I'm making less money dealing with all the BS that I have to deal with each day. The self talk telling myself that I have choices is only moderately successful because while I have been keeping my eye open, I don't have the time or energy to do a full scale job search right now and I know too many good people struggling and looking for a job for too long now.

I've been thinking about it for awhile, made changes and cuts elsewhere where I could, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I wanted to give her some time to plan for less money and also wanted her to know before she went on vacation. Plus, this way I'll have been taking care of them all 24/7 for something like 16 days straight so maybe it won't seem so bad. That of course rings hollow because I'll be going back to work after being out for 2 weeks and be so far behind it isn't funny and have to stop to take care of the kids and then bust my butt after they are asleep back at work and I need to stop talking or thinking about it because I feel like crying again.

It almost feels like it is all too much right now. The kids are still adjusting to the time change with Max, as always, being the worst. He was up in the late 3 am/early 4 am hour. Even with Noemi's help I was fried at 5 pm when she left and trying not to shout at Max who through a hissy fit because I wouldn't let him have an English muffin and screamed/bawled through dinner. And, R who hasn't been out of the bath for 5 minutes taking the lid off his sippy cup and spilling milk all over himself and the floor, then slipping in it on the tile, and then screaming while I tried to clean it up so no one else slipped when he wanted more milk that very second already. All I really want is just a little break and really there isn't one in sight for the foreseeable future.

Waa waa waa, cry me a river. It's not so much the kids as everything else. I wish I could "just" take care of the kids. I had lunch the other day with a close SAHM friend that had been far too long since we've seen each other. She has 6 year old twins and was saying how overwhelmed and how hard it is, how she doesn't have any time, doesn't seem to get a minute to herself, and how the kids (who are in kindergarten) are only gone 4 hours and I agreed and just silently added especially when you add on no spouse to help (even if it is minimal) with the kids, bring home the bacon, and a stressful job to balance it all. Maybe I get a few hours a week after the kids are in bed when I don't have a work meeting and by then I'm just too tired to do much of anything and while it is better than nothing it just isn't enough.

It's all going to work out. Somehow. It IS manageable, just exhausting and just barely. I think it may just take everything I have to do it with as good an attitude as possible. And, I already feel like everything is taking everything I have so I don't have more to give. My children deserve a mom who isn't frustrated, impatient, or crabby every afternoon/night so I need to figure this out and just get over it. I've got a month to mentally plan a new routine and work on the needed attitude adjustment and convince myself that it is just more opportunity to spend and bond with the kids.

Home Sweet Home

2009-11-01T21:40:00.000-08:00

All told, the trip away this weekend was a success. It went so well, I'm thinking about going back again after Thanksgiving. First night went as expected. Got little sleep. N freaked about sleeping in a new place. Day/night two went better than expected. Twins napped and slept well. Everyone had a wonderful Halloween.

The twins went to the beach for the first time yesterday. R love, love, loved it. It's scary. The kid has no fear. N liked it as long as you didn't put her feet in the water. She liked a bit of distance from the water and playing in the sand and with her sand shadow.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the time change?

Someone in the house we were visiting said FUCK the other day. I was hoping Max hadn't heard it. Ah, no such luck. It was repeated back today. Lovely.

Max and I shared a bed flanked with pack in plays on either side.

As glad as I am that we went and as good a time as we had. I"m glad to be sleeping in my own bed tonight with each kid properly tucked into their own beds and bedrooms.

Randoms

2009-10-26T05:04:00.000-07:00

Max had teacher in-service one day last week. I had to work, but took some time to run him to McD's for a special lunch, do a puzzle with him, let him play in my office for a bit when I didn't have meetings. When I asked him what he enjoyed most about the day...."playing with my brother and sister".

Life is more than 2 or 3 times busy and stressful, especially in this economy, but I never ever regret having the twins/more kids. I knew to my core that Max and I both needed more. That is confirmed all the time in big and small ways.

"Beep Beep" is R's favorite and clearest word. He is an imp that one. Oh my, rules and boundaries...physical or verbal...are clearly just there to be tested in his mind.

R can mimic almost any word you say to him although he isn't really talking too much and many of his words aren't all that clear unless you know him and the context.

R oozes charm to go with his defiance. He will pitch a fit at the slightest if he thinks it will help him get his way, but equally or more often he will smile and flirt to do so. He has started saying "momma" and when I turn to look at him and make eye contact, make kisses with his mouth. Oh, my...(not to label or anything)...but, this one is trouble.

N is very observant. She sees the stuff that gets R attention or just plain looks fun and copies. Thinks like pitching a fit because her milk isn't there soon enough, pitching her water off the highchair tray for grins...you know...all the things you wouldn't want copied.

N isn't yet walking solo, but she is darn darn close. She's just missing some balance. She'sactually frustrated and wants you to walk with her all around the house so she doesn't have to crawl. She is able to walk a push toy all around the pool in the back (with some help adjusting the toy around the corners since she really only has straight) which is like a race track around here and that her brothers do with free abandonment. She was so proud. Her grin and squeal when she is proud is just amazing.

N isn't yet talking, but her sign language is amazing. She makes noises and is very verbal, just no real words. The therapist say that language is tied to walking, which I didn't know and had never heard, and that it is rare that a child will start talking before they walk. I'm really not worried cause she may be delayed, but when she gets there...she perfects fast.

We got inoculated with the N1H1 on Saturday. LA County was having "clinics" so we went on what was supposed to be on the way back to the pumpkin patch. We never made it to the pumpkin patch. The line was incredible and it took 2.5 hours total. This could have been worse in so many ways. My cousin was in town so she dropped us off to get in line then went to park. Since there was another adult and a 12 year old helper and the "clinic" was at a large park with a big gym...we could take the kids off to play and trade off. Glad it's done. Not looking forward to having to do another round next month for the booster, but my cousin says she'll come back again.

It's really nice having my cousin within such a short drive.

Because I knew about the county vacination clinic I was able to pass it on to a few other people who needed it, which made me happy.

I taught Max a new potty word....defecate...deification. He was thrilled. He says he is going to share it will all this preschool potty word loving friends. I figured I may as well increase the caliber of the words since stopping them altogether just isn't in the cards. Although he tries to be funny, is getting the fact that in public and when there is company are not appropriate.

The picture is from the church/elementary school carnival. Max loved it. R tolerated it (because he had to be in the stroller instead of running wild). N hated it. Pretty much par for the course.

Over the weekend, we took a walk around the block. Max and N rode. R walked. He couldn't believe his good fortune. He was happy, happy kid. He made for the street twice. Not sure how much he really understand sometimes, but think more than I realize. Each time, I told him NO and that if he went to the street he would be put in the stroller for the rest of the walk. Although uncharacteristic of him, he didn't push it. He was not about to give up some of this new found freedom.

We are traveling for the first time next weekend as a family to go my cousins way for Halloween. I'm both looking forward to it and exhausted just thinking about it.

It is going to be a busy week capped off by our first trip instead of a quiet weekend at home. Yikes!

What have I done?

2009-10-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

Santa is getting the twins this play kitchen, a shopping cart, and various food and pantry items. The kitchen and cart need assembly. Where, how, and when I am going to do this assembly and where I shall store said assembled items is a mystery. Box of un-assembled kitchen arrived today. Box had big picture of product inside. Max was home due to teacher in service. Thank goodness I saw it before he did and hid it in the garage for now. He IS smart enough that if he sees it now or before the big day around here and then it comes from Santa he will question it. He's only 4 and loves, loves, loves him some Christmas. He likes Halloween because it means Christmas is closer. He likes Thanksgiving because you get to see family, Christmas is even closer and we put up our tree and decorations around then. A few weeks ago when we were outside, he looked at the chimney and asked about Santa's ability to get down it and reminded me that we need to move the gate and toys from in front of the fireplace before Christmas. Tonight, he wanted to read The Night Before Christmas and played with his Christmas Tree Train that his Nanna got him last year that never got put away because come on...it has two of his favorite things. A Christmas Tree. A Train. Other than throwing in a full conversation or song or nothing but "potty words", it doesn't get any better in the eyes of my eldest. Anyway, not quite sure how I am going to pull this off. The pressure is on.

Santa does not yet know what she is going to get Max. She has a few ideas.

Annoying

2009-10-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

My nanny annoys me. Some days more than others. Today is a more day. Definitely a more day.

I'm sure I annoy her too.

As tempting as it is to find someone new, I trust her with the kids. They are attached. Plus, someone else would just annoy me as well. In different things ways probably.

I do count the time until the twins are in preschool and I don't need someone.

I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't need to work. I dreamed about being independently wealthy on not needing to work last night.

Scary

2009-10-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

Had a big scare today and not of the Halloween variety even though it did happen at the Pumpkin Patch/Fall Harvest Festival and a (relatively local) farm. Let me start by saying everyone is physically fine, but Max and I will have some emotional scars for awhile. Even with 2 sets of helping hands in my cousin and her 13 year old daughter, we lost Max. He was there one second and gone the next. My cousin had the presence of mind to find a worker and they handled the whole situation very well. T, my cousin, says that the one worker got another worker who radioed the front and back and got the word out fast. My recollection is a bit hazy as I was loosing the battle of remaining calm. We were in a play area waiting for my cousin to get a drink and I bent down to get the camera and he was gone. He says he didn't see us and thought we had left him so he went back to where we had just been listening to the music. Then, he got scared and went and told someone his name and that he couldn't find his mom. They in turn got a worker and were headed back with him to we were as they got the word. We were both in tears and shared lots of hugs and kisses for awhile. He was lost probably at least 5 minutes, but no more than 10. If felt like an entire lifetime. There are few times in my life I have been that shaken and I know that was the scariest time in his life.

Milestones and Due Diligence

2009-10-15T02:44:00.000-07:00

We hit a pretty big milestone over the weekend. I took all three kids, solo, out to dinner. It went suprisingly well. Granted, the restaurant was only McD's, but Max was quick to point out how well it went, that he had been a very good listener, and wanted to ensure that we could do it again. For good measure, he made sure to let me know the next day how much he enjoyed his dinner the night before. We've had some really low key PJ weekends the last few weeks. Max literally didn't get out of his PJ's, even for the dinner out walk/event. The extra good news about this that it means he and his bed were dry. We go through phases about that, but overall staying dry at night is happening more and more often. Anyway, with everyone just feeling tired and a bit sickly, we just chilled out. My mom didn't even come on Saturday like she normally would since she was feeling sick with a nasty cold/cough. It was nice to just hang out and bond as a family with nothing that really had to get done and no where we really had to go. This weekend, my cousin will be making the drive so we will have company and we are equally looking forward to that.

One of the big things I've been pondering lately is whether to send Max to kindergarten next year or keep him a year. I have not yet made a final decision, but am leaning towards putting him in the early 5's class at his preschool instead. Talking with his teachers this week in parent/teacher conference, that would be their recommendation....if I want to send him to the elementary associated with the church we attend (or haven't attended lately) and the preschool. The main reason would be fine motor skills and lack there of. The secondary and maybe of equal importance has to do with general maturity and the desire to do things his way/ability to listen and follow instructions. It's not that he can't listen and follow directions or do a task in question. It is whether he will choose to at any given moment without question or debate. In a preschool setting, it is no issue or problem. With the high demands of kindergarten and the high standards of the elementary school in question, it may be an issue. Part of the teachers comments makes me sad because it has to do with loosing some of his independence and individuality. An example given is that he likes to wear two different shoes. Another factor is that if I do send him, he will be the youngest and a full year younger than at least some, if not the majority, of his peers. If i don't go/stay private, it would be the wrong decision. If I do, I think it will be the right. So, I need to do my due diligence two fold. I need to go visit the school, again, and talk to the principle and get a better feel for a few big questions I have. And, I need to go visit and talk to a few charter schools in the area to compare. Our local elementary school is not an option. The other thing I really need to do is take a long hard look at finances to see if and how I can commit to this. My common thinking is that it could work because what I pay in nanny fee's should be more or equal to what tuition would be for all three kids. Money has been tight. Really tight. And, I'm thinking about cutting Noemi's hours again cause things are just not adding up on the expense vs. income columns. Things just keep up like the fact that I'm now $500 poorer as of yesterday because the master toilet tank just decided to crack open in grand style flooding my bathroom and room. Yes, the new toilet is nice and all, but the other toilet was fine and mostly did his job.

Why am I up in the middle of the night not sleeping? No good reason. The third time this week actually. I'm tired. I'm still coughing and fighting the end of this lingering cold. But, I'm waking up and just can't get back to sleep. Sucks. Once woke up because of a bad/strange dream. The other times, like tonight, no reason to wake up. Maybe a kid cried out once that woke me, but no other sounds. Just silence. All is as it should be, except it is prime sleep time and I'm awake.

Rain Play

2009-10-14T19:12:00.000-07:00

We've had rain the last few days. Not sure how much, but a fair amount for here and this time a year. I've gotten disapproving looks from the nanny, but have let the kids go out and play and get wet and dirty after dinner. My mom was here tonight and she made some comment about not believing, especially since we are on the tail ends...still...of colds, that I'd let them out. I reminded her that colds don't come from being cold and wet, they come from germs. Then, she saw the joy and fun they had. Especially after being inside and sterile all day. Although like when it is too hot or smoky from fires, I have brought in the big climbing slides and swing. And, we brought in a push toy. N is getting good at them and think she will join the ranks of solo walking soon. Anyway, I digress. I often wonder at the disapproving looks and criticism. It is not as if they will melt in the rain. It's not really cold, just wet. N just held her hand up and laughed at the rain. The all loved splashing in the water puddles. N had a wild wet ride on the horse. Max and R and I had some nice games of chase. And, they all loved the warm bath, snuggly PJ's, and milk after the outdoor fun. We get rain so rarely around here, I'm glad that they are getting a chance to feel and experience it. Yes, I know not for everyone, but we've enjoyed it here. Fresh air, outside time, even or especially wet (since it is a bit of a novelty) does the body and heart good, in my not so humble opinion.

Helicopter (and other ramblings)

2009-10-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the term Helicopter mom? I never have until recently and now I've heard it a lot. So, either I've been completely oblivious, which is entirely possible. Or, it is a relatively new term.

I'm not a helicopter mom, by they way. I'm not negligent either. I just give the kids lots of room to practice and grow and develop. And, I firmly believe in natural consequences.

R, I think, is probably going to be the most athletic of my kids. He's got balance and coordination and energy and drive. We will see how that plays out with his asthma and lung issues. We had just weaned off breathing treatments and ramped back up due to the next round of sickness. He doesn't let a little thing like not being able to catch a breath or breath fully slow him down. Although, he is sitting better and quite calmly and quietly for treatments these days. He's quite fond of the TV and only gets to watch during treatment time.

N, is not so steady, but getting better all the time. She's so proud of herself. I have some pictures of last weekend with the proud look I need to post. Anyway, when she was first getting started, I was right there to show her how to turn around and go feet first to come down, to make sure she didn't loose her balance, or get pushed off by her brother. But, she has it now. She's more cautious. She is slower to pick things up and reach milestones than R, but she watches both of her brothers and when she has a few minutes of peace and quiet to herself she practices. But, when she gets it, she gets it and becomes proficient fast.

It's amazing having twins and control subjects with each other. R's behavior so typical of "boy" behavior and N's so typical of "girls". N can spend a good 10 minutes or so multiple times per day trying to fasten the buckles on a stroller or highchair. Her fine motor skills are amazing compared to either of the boys actually. R probably barely sees the straps and I don't think it would ever occur to him to actually try to fasten the torture restraint that keeps him from go go going.

N, of all my kids, needs time to herself to explore and check things out. Now and always, I need to carve out little times for her just for some alone time for herself. R, can not stand to be alone. From the very beginning, the moment he was brought home from the hospital. He needs someone else there. Don't even think if leaving him in a room by himself while you take N in the other room for something. Oh my word, the hysterics. The PT was telling me once that she was working with N in the twins room (often it works best and need to have them seperated during sessions because R just is too jealous and wants all the toys and attention) and Noemi went to the bathroom. This was before R was mobile (and I was doing a project with Max's class at the time so not home). R pitched such a fit that she ran out there thinking something major was going on. As soon as he saw her he was all smiles and happy. This is not atypical. Now that I think about it, R got almost all the drama for the family.

Anyway, speaking of the PT, that brings me to main point...she's a helicopter type. :) Don't get me wrong, I love her. She was briefly Max's PT for a few sessions because he was a toe walker. About the third session, she looks him in the eye and said "Max, stop walking on your toes." He did and that was the end of PT for Max. Anyway, we really clicked and she had said if I ever need any PT for the twins (was pregnant at the time Max was released) to request her. I took her up on the offer and it has worked well. But, it does make me laugh because she is so worried about them falling or getting hurt and that is part of being a kid and learning to climb and walk. She's told me about a friend of hers who was all upset because her (I think it was 5) year old had fallen and gotten his first bruise because she was so cautious and hovering and protective. I'm sorry. I don't even think that is healthy.

How do you ever get the proud look, that confidence, that self esteem if the child never gets a chance to try?

I understand the term and what it means to be a helicopter mom and read about a couple in some doctor's office magazine about a couple who was headed towards divorce because she was helicopter (actually used that term) and he overcompensated in the other direction.

I guess I don't understand the fear or the motivator for the behavior...the hover behavior. What are you trying to protect them from? The safety one I guess. To my philosophy (and I know we all have our own that works for us and our families..or not) it does more harm than good for a social and psychological perspective. We all have failures and falls and frustrations and disappointments in life. To me, my job isn't to prevent the failures and the falls and disappointments. It's to teach them how to deal with them. "Oh R, it sounds like you are frustrated because you can't push the toy over the rock (or through the chair or whatever), it may help if you pick it up or back it up a bit and go around". If I "fix" it every time, how does he learn to fix it for himself. Don't get me wrong. I'll show him. I'll help. But the saying holds true typically small kids small problems. Big kids, big problems. I want to teach them with the small stuff when the consequences are small.

Anyway, even I no longer remember the point. I need more sleep. I'm headed there now. The rythme was interrupted by Max who awoke coughing and crying with yet another nose bleed. He got the first one last month and had two or three then. He got one yesterday at school, one last night, one before bath tonight and one just a bit ago. Usually, he handles it quite well, being tired and woken from the cough and the blood had him a bit overwrought. He's calm and back to sleep hopefully for the night and without a bloody sheet/pillow mess to greet me at some awful hour or in the morning. I was left to try to regather my thoughts and am further rather than closer to sleep time myself.

Oh, and in the proud category. I got very little sleep last night. My own fault, the kids were all fine and slept through with no problems or pee accidents. And, I'm not feeling so hot myself, but today was the next possible 'be kind to yourself and get out and walk day'. I didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. I did it anyway. I'm proud of me. To me, working out every day at the same basic time is much easier. It is a habit and you can do it by rote without even thinking about it. Trying to fit it in when and how you can, feels much harder to me. Like making the commitment each and every time.

FAT

2009-10-06T20:49:00.001-07:00

The other night I was reading The Hungry Caterpillar, by Eric Carle to the kids before bed. It hadn't come up in the book rotation in a year or so. I don't remember reading it since the twins were born. I was reading the page where it talks about how the caterpillar wasn't hungry anymore and he wasn't a little caterpillar any more, he was a big fat caterpillar. Max asked me what fat meant. I told him. Something like to be really big, round and pump. He asked me if I was fat. Ouch! I replied that yes, most people would consider me fat. I thought of myself as comfortable.* As only a little child could, he innocently replies that he didn't think I was fat. And, we moved on.

It made me a tad sad, because who wants to be thought about as fat. I've spent a lot of years coming to terms with my weight and who I am. I'm more sad about the prejudice and judgments...unfairly and incorrectly in my not so humble opinion...towards fat people. I'm tired of people assuming that fat people are lazy, eat poorly, don't exercise, etc. and so forth.

I'm not lazy. I'm not as productive and efficient as I was pre-kids, but I challenge anyone to do and accomplish what I typically do in any one given day.

By and large, I don't eat poorly. I'm not perfect, but I eat better and more balanced than at least 75% of everyone I know. I rarely eat fast food. I cook relatively healthy well balanced meals...not every night, but the majority. Those nights I don't "cook" I still serve well balanced meals. In the nanny compliance department, after years and years and years of correction and coaching, I still have to be more specific and repeat about basic nutrition to Noemi. They are served a vegetable, a protein, a starch, and usually a fruit with every meal. They don't have to eat it, but I do want them to get used to what it looks like to have well balanced meals.

Over the last year, year and a half, I have exercised the least ever in my life. I can feel the difference. Exercise improves how I feel. It doesn't significantly affect my size or weight. As I have stated many times, I miss most my early morning hikes from my pre-kid days. But, I wouldn't trade these days for those. Having the kids are worth it. I believe it is hard for most moms of young kids to get regular exercise. These days and this time is already going fast enough. I'm not going to wish it away. I'm just going to do the best I can.

I've thought and felt and discussed for awhile that for me and those in my family, that there is a big genetic component and there is a tie to hormones. My mom was never successful in loosing weight until the last 5 years or so as she aged. I eat now pretty much the same as I did when I was pregnant, after birth, during breastfeeding/pumping. Actually, I probably eat less and better now, yet struggle more. I have felt unheard by the medical profession and the doctors who causually mention the "weight". Actually, I tune it out at this point. I would like to trade bodies with them for a day, a week, a month and then have them dish out the same assvice.

I'm fed up with the assvice. I've come to love me for who I am no matter what size I am or what other people think about me and the size I am or am not.

All that to say, after a comment today on a random on my randoms post the other day, I found and watched the rest of that PBS obesity show I fell asleep to the other night. I saw/heard chapters 6 and 7. They were worth watching again. I watched the entire show tonight via the web, link below. I have to say. ... Finally, I feel heard. Finally, other people saying what I have felt and said. Finally, other people feeling like I feel. There is a line towards the end that says something like we need to get past blaming the individual and getting past our fat phobias and let the scientists research and come up with answers. It is a complex issue that if it were easy to solve would be solved already. AMEN! AMEN!

Another comment from the show that resonated was that health care professionals need to eat a bit of humble pie and try to better understand the issues and their complexities rather than just assuming the patient is a dumb, lazy asshole would would rather die than improve their lifestyle. Okay, so the humble pie part was there, I extrapolated a bit on the patient assumptions. I think all doctors and health care professionals should be mandated to watch this and do some targeted reading/study as part of their on-going learning/resertification. And, to Dr. B and other fat phoepic jerks with their high horse superiourity, up yours. Open your mind. Treat your patient, not your ego or your misguided opinions.

I want to live in a society that respects all people regardless of their color, religion (or lack there of), or their size. I want Max to understand what people mean by fat and skinny, but most importantly, I want him and the twins to grow up to realize that each and everyone of us are different. Short and tall. Black or white or brown. As they grow, I don't want them to be embarrassed by my size or just my size. I'm sure I will give plenty of other ammunition. I can't control any of that really. I can guide. I can coach. Most importantly, I can be happy with who I am. All of me. After all, at this point, there is just more of me to love. Don't get me wrong. I'd be happy with a little less. But, I don't have time (3 - 5 hours/day) to do the needed exercise or do more than what I am currently doing. I'm doing the best I can. I do better and more than most (and not as good and less that others).

I am who I am. I'm fat. I'm not proud of it. I don't mean to advocate that it is healthier or a desired state. I'm saying that people are dealt the cards they are dealt and given the choice, people need to be happy with the skin their in.

I am who I am. I'm fat. It is a part of who I am. It is not who I am.

Skinny people of the world who dare to judge others for not being as skinny as themselves or the "ideal". Fuck off. Don't even try to offer assvice on something you have no understanding and no first hand knowledge. When life is so much harder, do you think we would choose to live fat if their were reasonably and successful alternatives? Oh, right, we just need to have more self worth, end our addiction and emotional bond to food, excerize more, eat less and make better choices. If it were only so easy, it would be done.

PBS - FAT: What no one is telling you

* We use the word comfortable a lot around here. For example, when cuddling or hugging..."you're so comfortable" or "this is so comfortable" or "this is nice and comfortable". Or, are those pants, shoes, underwear too tight or comfortable.

Action this weekend

2009-10-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

Crane your neck if interested, as apparently, I had the camera sideways. N, not being bothered. R, walking. Max giving R a ride. And, if you listen really close, R with his cute...."bye"...finally. Then, R running over his sister and Max wanting my slippers and smelling "diet coke". The day before it was mint. The day after he was home with a fever.

Randoms

2009-10-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

I wish I could find the remote control for the TV. It's been missing since Saturday. I've looked everywhere. Noemi looked today. I looked N straight in the eye and asked her. She smiled at me and held out her hand for me to hold. I asked R and he toddled off and came back with the grey DVD/VCR remote. I thanked him and asked him if now he would find the black TV one. He shrugged and walked off. I called my mom who lives 30 minutes away, but who was here Saturday and actually the last to use/touch/see the remote thinking maybe it got put in one of her bags. I've said a quick ditty to St. Christoper, patron saint of lost articles.

Max was home sick today. Fever. He layed in my bed all morning watching TV. Then, perked up good as new for the afternoon. He reminded me of the time last year when he had the fever and the mud movers (can you say hallusinations?) came and if I remembered it. I assured him I did, but was surprised he remembered. That kid has a memory on him.

Max's favorite expressing is "poop on your butt". He wrote (I scribed) and illustrated a book on poo and another on pee the other weekend. Very interesting and crazy stuff in that book. He's so proud of it that we took it in to show his teachers (who both read it and showed interest and laughed at the appropriate times). He's asked me to read it to him and his brother and sister many times.

Max has decided that he is only going to say potty words on preschool days and has pretty much stuck to that. Today, although he didn't go was a preschool day so he was going to use them. Yes, he does use them at preschool, but not when the teachers are around the hear him...he says with a smile.

R. What can I say about R? He has things rough trying to keep up and catch up and get the attention of his older brother while at the same time making sure his sister isn't playing with some toy he wants right at that moment. He's (another) smart one. Last weekend, we were out back and Max was riding a bike around the "track" around the pool and R was pushing a push toy and chasing him. After a few times of that, he realized he couldn't keep up...and at first I thought maybe it was coincidental, but watched and realized that no, it was calculated...so he would wait near the narrow part of the track. When he would see Max coming he'd start running, cut Max off, and turn and laugh and run in front of him to be chased. This weekend, he changed that game to just sitting down in the middle of the path so Max has to stop. That's just an example. He is a mischievous imp he is.

N. What can I say about N? She's been practicing her climbing and is so proud of herself. Her face just lights up with her smile and joy. She gives me long suffering looks when her brothers take away or push her off whatever toy she has that looks interesting. I've thought about and even interviewed once or twice, but after all the drama, she doesn't want it anymore. She just wants to get out of the path of the crazies to reduce the chance of getting hurt at their expense.

I also can't find the calendar. The one that hangs on the wall with appointments on it. Which is why I forgot the twins had a high risk follow up at the NICU this afternoon which I couldn't have made anyway due to Max's illness. It is also why I forgot that Noemi has a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and I have two very important meetings schedule. One I'm leading and one I'm going to attempt to listen to on mute while simultaneously feeding 3 kids and getting one off t o school. The other I'm going to pray the nap gods are with me and the twins actually sleep when and how they normally do.

Several more things are broken around here. I can't remember them all. One is the outside fridge where I store the extra gallons of milk to prevent so many trips to the store. Since the sink, nothing has been fixed. However, the sink is still not leaking again. I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. It has been such a problem.

A blog I read pointed to a horoscope type thing which indicates that while things have been tight financially, they should start easing up. Oh, please. Pretty please. Maybe someone will want to publish my children's book. Not the poo and pee one. The balloon one. It is quite good if I do say so myself.

I was watching/listening to this really interesting program last night on this PBS channel I didn't know that I had. It was about a second "brain" /processing center in your gut and how gastric bypass has been so successful, not because of the bypass, but because the nerves in the gut processing center have been cut through. It talked about things I have mentioned to so many doc's for myself about how it seems to be hormonal for me and tied to some IBS when not pregnant or lactating. Unfortunately, I fell asleep during it so now must search it out at some point in the future and see if I can record it...if and when I ever find my remote.

Hurt me so good

2009-10-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

I decided yesterday morning that something, anything needed to be done. I've been slowly working back in things for me like a well woman, a physical, taking time to read a library book after the kids are down and to get me off the computer. But, I could hardly stand how I've been feeling, how blah I've been. How helpless to make a change or try to take on one more thing or put on one more ounce of pressure.

One of the things I've missed most about being a parent is my morning hikes with the dogs. I was actually able to keep this up for most of Max's first year before Lucky died and Shadow just didn't want to do it anymore without her friend. But, no way no how do I have the time for that right now. From the time I get up until I put the kids to bed, life is a sprint. Instead of leaving the house at 6:30 am to hike, I'm sitting down to work. Three nights a week I have a meeting that starts at 7:30 pm that lasts from 30 - 90 minutes and the nanny leaves at 5. On the nights I'm not working, I'm housebound and just too tired to make myself/motivate myself/even think about doing a home work out.

I went through my entire day evaluating for any time that I could carve out even a short amount of time for a walk around the neighborhood and from there my mind jumped to maybe walking even once around this park near Max's preschool that I used to go to with the dogs after I dropped of Max. It is a big park with a .6 mile walking path around with slight hills. I met several of my closest friends at that park pre-kids. My heart misses the nature. My body misses the endorphins.

I decided that maybe a few days a week I could take a detour for a power walk before home. No way could I do it every day as I can barely get Max to school between meetings. But, some days, maybe I could. Even if it is just one or two laps. And, I did it. Two days in a row. Not much. Just two laps around 30 minutes. Ran into an old acquaintance that i hadn't seen since before i was pregnant with the twins this morning. I so didn't feel like going today as that "not much" yesterday had me huffing and puffing and stiff and sore, but I turned left to the park instead of right home and just did it. Giving myself permission to do just one leisurely lap instead of two high powered ones if I just went knowing if I just went I'd go for it. And, I did.

Sadly, I am stiff enough after 2 days that I can barely walk tonight. But, I'm glad I've start it. I'm glad I've made the commitment to do what I can when I can and let the rest go. I haven't looked at all of next week, but think on average that I can probably at least work in 30 minutes 3 times a week which is better than nothing and oh so good for my soul. I can't commit to every day. I can't commit a longer time as I'm robbing peter to pay paul time wise to make it happen rationalizing that I will be a better more focused employee and a healthier happier mom.

I had thought I'd have to wait until the kids were older. I so miss having a dog, especially these last few days, but I'm still going to hold off as hard as it is for me to motivate myself to walk just for me instead of "the dogs". The time is still not right for a new k9 friend.

It's not much, but it's huge. It feels huge and it feels good....even if I can barely walk upon first standing at the moment.

Wondering, Thinking, and Being Annoyed

2009-10-01T04:54:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering if I'm mildly depressed. I'm just so tired and just don't have the energy for anything extra. Then, I remind myself of my schedule and that I have valid reasons for being tired and not having energy.

I've been thinking about the fact that one of my children is annoying me and getting on my last nerve. Interestingly enough, it is my second child, my second born son, the middle one by two whole minutes and I've always heard and read and observed that the child in the same birth order as you is the one that tends to be the most like you and triggers more of a reaction. It's nothing major, just a lot of whining, being competitive and pushy with his siblings. He's a screamer and will throw a tantrum just because ...although he didn't want the swing until you put his sister in it, he does now that she's swinging. He's an instigator. He can get both Max and N going, just because. It is not just me that notices this...the early intervention specialist and the PT have as well and we've discussed it.

I've been thinking about how having twins, at least for me, is very different in how I handle things...especially sleep disturbances and crying in the night. My twins seem to be able to sleep through their sib screaming, but if I walk in the room...they are both up and wanting attention and to be soothed, especially more recently as they get more competitive with each other.

I've been finding our family time on the weekends both more enjoyable, easier, much needed and isolating. I'm not getting the joy and social aspects that I have in the past through work, which is a whole other depressing story. And, although it is easier to pick up the kids and go run an errand or quick trip to the store if needed, we haven't even made it to church recently because it is just too hard solo because I can't contain them the entire time and with a 3:1 ratio it is just too crazy even in a contained "cry" room space. I've been reminding myself that this part is just a phase and to enjoy the time and stage and next year it will be easier. Then, I hope and pray that I'm not deluding myself and that next year it does in fact get easier. I can't wait to be able to get up and go more.

I've been finding things, in general annoying, and coaching myself to just let it go. Things like my resentment at my neighbors for throwing a party a few weekends ago with a live band that caused me to get no sleep that night. Things like the fact that someone couldn't follow the rules when our street was being resurfaced, and while a pain and even though barricaded couldn't just wait, drove on it anyway so that instead of a nice new surface you see tire marks ruining it. Every day, I've been getting annoyed. Every day, I tell myself to let it go. Let it go. I continue to find it annoying at the number of people who can not drive in their own lane as I take Max to and fro school on a mildly curvy road and that try to side swipe me on a regular basis.

While I am overall happy with our nanny and trust her and so happy I have not had to worry about some of the situations I have heard others, I find her annoying as well. After 4 years, you'd think I'd learn to live with the fact that she is not capable of organizing toys or putting the dishes away so that you can open and close the drawers/cupboards or zipping up a zippy so the cereal/crackers/whatever don't go stale. Now, especially with the OT and the PT being on vacation for two weeks at the same time and she is taking the kids to the park and out a bit more, that SHE NEEDS TO BE BACK IN TIME FOR THEM TO PROPERLY NAP and getting back at 1:05 or 1:10 when they go down at 1 is not acceptable because they still need fresh diapers and bottle (or rather sippy cup because we are done with bottles as of a few weekends ago) and they don't have time to unwind and you miss "the window" and then they don't nap. Fine for her, but then I need to hear them fuss in their crib while I try to work in the afternoon while she sits at the table and takes a much needed rest/lunch break. Then, she leaves and I'm left with tired crabby kids on my own who don't sleep well that night and I get less time because I have to put them to bed even earlier and the time I do get is crap because they are too tired to function. We have had this problem on and off since Max was little and she just doesn't get it. And, the truth is, at this point, I don't care if she gets it or not, she just needs to comply. I'll be happy when I don't need the help anymore.

Not only do I feel like my life is in a bit of a rut right now, I've felt like our dinners and what we eat have been so as well so I've gathered up a few recipes and been trying to do a better job of variety. Last night was Baked Ziti. Earlier in the week we had Tater Tot casserole and this chicken broccoli roll dish. I have a few more new ones to work in. I'm not taking it personal that Max is basically not eating dinner right now as the twins and I are enjoying the new tastes and changes.

All and all, I've just been saving my happy and time and energy for the kids and feeling down about work and lonely and sad I'm so out of touch with pretty much all of my friends right now because I just don't have it in my to be a friend right now and hoping and knowing that they are just as caught up in their own lives right now as well.

15.5 month stats

2009-09-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

Had the twins in earlier in the week for routine well baby. They got shots. They were not amused. Max came and got the sniff flu, which he was pleased with. Things are fine, but busy. My energy level is low.

R
Wt 20 lbs 15 oz, 6% --> 20% corrected
Ht 30 1/2, 25% --> 50% corrected
HC 18 3/8, 27%

N

wt 20 lbs 6 oz, 10% --> 25% corrected
Ht 29 3/4, 25% --> 50 corrected
Hc 17 5/8 --> 13%

R is walking. N is climbing.

Max is extremely impressed that R is walking and bragging to who will listen. They are actually starting to play nicely together for periods of time.

2009-09-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

Just me?

Is it just me who has kids/babies such that when you try to change their diaper react like they are in a torture chamber and scream and contort themselves in such a way as one feels like they are wrestling a wet, slipper....ah...cat? beast? Egads, Max was this way, but now it is twice the fun. I actually shouted the other day at R to knock it off, it was just a diaper change. No, it wasn't effective.

Is it just me who spends the majority of each car trip with their 4 year old explaining the traffic rules, signs, and lines? Sample Questions: What does that sign with the 9 and 7 say? What is the 53? What are the yellow lines? So, if there are two and bigger you can go into it and one with dashes you can't? Those ones go onto the freeway? Why did you do that? Can you turn on red here? Can you turn on red here? How come we aren't turning right? Sample responses: That says, no parking between 7 and 9 am. That is the speed limit. It is 35 here and you're not supposed to go faster than that? The yellow line is always to the left. If it is a double yellow line, you can't cross it. If it is one solid yellow line and one dashed, you can go there if if you need to turn. A white line is a lane marker that you need to stay between to keep the cars from bonking. Yes, those lanes go onto the freeway. No, we are going to school not the freeway right now. Why did I do what? Yes, you can turn on red here. Yes, you can turn on red here. No, not here. We need to go straight not turn right now.

Is it just me where things seem to be breaking around the house in alarming speed, much more quickly than time and money allows to be fixed. Sample: Garage door, vacuum, ottoman, kitchen sink (was finally fixed...again). I'm sure there is more, but I've shut off the mental list to reduce stress.

Is it just me that seems to be working long crazy hours and finding a hard time balancing things, but making extra special effort to carve out time for the kids. We are continuing the practice of me doing a project a month in Max's classroom. Today, we are blowing up balloons. We have a heluim tank and wrote and illustrated a book on why balloons float and filled some balloons with rice and sand and flour and beans and water. We are both very excited.

Is it just me that just can't seem to cover all the bills these days?

Overall, life is good. Just trying to enjoy it and keep my head above water and deal with what I can and not stress out about the rest.

Conflicted

2009-09-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

I sit here thinking that if money wasn't an issue and I could stay home and still have a bit of help, I'd do it again. I'd have another child or two. If things were different and I had a full time helpful partner, I'd add to the caos and crazies. While also knowing, I'm done. I have all I can handle and some days I'm stretched more on that than others. I'm sitting here with cramps with the period I knew was coming with such mixed feelings. I'm so so so happy and blessed to be on the other side of the fertility journey. I know with every fiber of my being that I have the family I was meant to have. I know that I'm where I need to be in life right now. The two embryos I had on ice are discarded and I'm okay with that although I will probably always wonder if they were really as bad quality and what would have happened if I was brave or crazy enough to transfer them back. I would have liked to know. The circles I went round and round in my mind about them...just transfer them back instead of discard, they won't take and you'll be done and know....but, what if they do. And, I just couldn't transfer them to anyone else legally as well as emotionally. Anyone who would want them would would have traveled to long and hard a road to get there and have another cycle fail. I just couldn't do that to someone. But, what if it worked, then they could be blessed like I have been. More circular thinking.

I've also been pondering these last few weeks about mommy isolation. I've heard talk of it, but really haven't experienced until lately. It was never really an issue when Max was small. We were out and about. And, even though I work from home, I have/had a lot of work friends I was in contact with on a regular basis. People I trusted and cared about and people who trusted me and cared about me. That's all changed and at a time where I can't really go out solo with all three just yet. And, I just don't have the time, energy, or money to be getting a sitter or hiring a mommies helper. So, I just try to enjoy the time I have with the kids and remind myself that this is just a phase. Soon enough they will be starting preschool and the crazies will be different.

They just amaze me. They are just something else. I love them and the stage they are in and watching them literally take their first steps in life and I'm in awe. While at the same time, wishing I had just a bit of time for me. I miss my morning hikes. I miss having a dog or two in my family. I miss having time and energy to talk and see my friends and actually to be a friend.

I sure can't say that life is perfect right now. It isn't even close. I can't say I wouldn't change a thing. Cause I would. But, I wouldn't change the important things.

Just life I guess. Not always clean or pretty or how we want it. It could be better. It could be worse. And, now that the bleeding has actually started, I'll start sleeping again. I'm seeing my OB this week for my annual (overdue) well woman. I'll be asking for BCP's to take me through and into menopause. One thing all the fertility treatments has done as enabled me to recognize is how my body reacts to the female hormones. That edgey, anxiety ridden, tense, tired, but can't sleep insomniac that always comes in the follecular stage where in theory my body produces an egg that could become a child. My body just doesn't do well with estrogen and follicle stimulating hormones. I haven't missed them. Made me almost wish I was still lactating. I'm not thrilled with the bleeding and cramps. I'm looking for the progesterone side of the cycle. I don't need the E2 of FSH. My ovaries are crap anyway. I'm done. I'm on the other side. Thank God!

Another day another dollar

2009-09-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Things always look brighter after a good night sleep....wait, I had a crap night sleep where little sleep was had and not restful....so, let's just say that things always look better during the light of a new day. Work still basically sucks, but I emailed an old team member who was let go to complain and called my old boss to chat and catch up. My mom is going to stay the weekend and we are going to take the kids to my sisters on Sunday so I will have help and plans. I'm sure there is more, but I'm fried. I also suspect that I'm having a hormone shift with too much estrogen and that a bleed may be headed my way. The trouble sleeping I've been having lately (hated stims for that reason), the acne, and greasy hair over the last few days causing me to hair wash every day instead of a few times a week as I have been plus the glum mood and near tears turn to anger yesterday added with the yucky bloated achy feeling in the nether region that started tonight all seem to be headed in that direction. I'm self prescribing two Tylenol PM and heading to bed.

Blue

2009-09-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling blue. As a color, it's one of my favorites. As an emotion or state of mind, I'm not too fond of it. Mostly, this is related to work, but as such, I can't really talk about it. And, all the people I would have talked about it in the past are long gone or too busy or both. This realization was triggered by an email I read that was neither bad nor good really but interesting in what it could or could not mean. In the past, I would have called up any handful of people to ponder, discuss, and theorize. Today, I realized none of those people were left. In another email, I read that we are only two thirds through with job cuts.

The project I'm working on is messed up and things aren't getting turned around fast enough and I'm working long hours. I've been fortunate that most of my career work has been fun and I've really enjoyed it. Now, more often than not it feels like work. How can I motivate others to increase their productivity when I'm not feeling very motivated or being very productive myself? Waa waa, cry me a river.

I'm keeping my eye out for a new job, but nothing really fits. There was only one that seemed like it was a great match and I've never heard back, probably paid too much/overqualified. The rest are not even close enough to make it worth my while to apply in this type of market while there are too many others looking for work with more energy, motivation, and time.

I guess I should be happy that I have a job that pays decent, if less than what it did in the past. Luckily, I have not been affected as severly as others (like my current boss, specifics unknown but implied significant) with the worst being a woman on my team whose husband is in the hospital that has been the sole family provider for years due to his disability and a daughter off to college getting hit with a 30% pay cut on top (I believe) of the across the board cuts. Too many people are working too hard/long (even if not productively and efficiently at the moment) to not be able to pay their bills, let alone the ones who don't have jobs.

Maybe I'll email or call my old boss who retired last year. We haven't talked in awhile.

Brotherly Love and Big Boy Bikes

2009-08-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

From this morning, Max feeding R. N was dumped on the carpet to feed herself while I fetched the camera. :)

Max riding his new big boy bike in long pants and long sleeve shirt two sizes too small in the middle of the hottest month of the year that he pulled out when he dressed himself.

R and N from a few weeks ago at Max's 4th Birthday Party.

Me reading to Max, as we do every night, on his Birthday after a busy day and a busy weekend.

Today, we have heat (around 105 - 107) and fires on the horizon (but thankfully air quality pretty good where I'm at but the clouds are quite impressive, and two pool parties (the first I took the twins and the second I didn't at the last minute because of the heat...neither place had a pool fence up). I'm so wiped I'm leaving the house a wreck (which is a noteworthy rare occurrence as I can't remember the last time I didn't rally so I didn't have to face it in the morning), including the unwashed high chair trays (my mom watched the twins for me and fed them dinner, but did zero clean up and the house was in way worse shape than when I left and it was pretty bad when I left). But, I'm tired and going to bed, I don't care that it isn't even 8 pm. It was a fun, busy, summer day and hauling kids and having fun can wipe a girl out. Plus, Max ended up in my bed last night fairly early which means that my sleep was broken and my back aches (since he leans into me and I end up sleep in strange positions to try to get comfortable/away from the heat he generates...moving away or changing sides does not because like a beacon he finds me).

Me, at the beach, after the zoo and train ride on Max's birthday. A picture where you can't see my wrinkles because of the glasses or the too padded middle. Just a snapshot in time, but I'll take it and pretend that I look this good all the time these days. :0

Liar, Liar, Pants on fire

2009-08-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

I lied to my son today. On purpose. With (almost) no remorse.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I wad desperate to get him out of the house.

I think we will all be glad when school starts back up next week.

I had planned on sending Max to MyGym camp all week this week. He did two weeks last year, but with his birthday and a trip to San Diego last week. I had only planned for this week. Then, he didn't really want to go. And, they changed the time to start 1.5 hours later and go 1.5 hours later which made it harder for my work schedule. And, money is tight right now so I said fine.

Things have actually gone better than I thought, but by yesterday he was pretty sick of me telling him I had to work and to leave me alone and I was pretty sick of telling him that I had to work and to leave me alone. And, work is busy and I'm tired and I just needed him out of the house and a bit tired out. Noemi, even though I've specifically asked, has spent little interactive time with him as when the twins are awake they consume the focus and when they are asleep she wants to make a dent in the mess created with 3 kids home all day. As par for the course, N and Max get along and bond well and Max looks out for her (read - takes things away from R to give to N, calling himself "the grabber"). R and Max are either having a grand time (usually when they are up to trouble) or R is trying to play with Max, destroy what he is working on, or take things away and Max doesn't "like that R, your mean, go away from me, stop" and unless there is intervention someone (read R) ends up hurt. We've partitioned the house so that Max gets the train table, front door/entry way and my bedroom/bathroom. The twins get the rest, unless Max wants to play with them or what they are playing with or whatever.

Anyway, we talked yesterday and he said he wanted to go to the class today, my meeting was such that I could take him, they had space, it would be the best $40 I have spent all week. Until, he found out that his old PT was coming and he wouldn't see her and he changed his mind and I didn't want a battle. So, I lied. He ultimately believed me, but he was a tad suspicious.

Me: Max, Doreen isn't coming today so you aren't going to miss her.
Max: Why?
Me: (thinking quickly) Ah, something about her car or her husbands car needing to be in the shop so she didn't have a way to get her.
Max: We have a car she could use.
Me: But, she would need to get here to be able to use the car and it doesn't work that way.
Max: We could go get her.
Me: She lives to far for to do that.
Max: (thinking, thinking, thinking for a bit) When?
Me: When what?
Max: When did Doreen call and tell you that she couldn't come? (as the phone hadn't rung all morning)
Me: Oh, when you were outside talking to Bill (the pool guy)

Sheesh. Good thing I don't make a habit of lying. That kid can connect the dots and extrapolate like no tomorrow.

Anyway, he's home now. Had a good time. Said he would like to go again/next vacation...pause....as long as Mario (early intervention specialist) or Doreen (OT) weren't expected and he wouldn't miss them.

Hey, it was for a good cause even if the end doesn't justify the means. I'd like to say it wasn't so, but I'd do it all over again.

TGIF.

Life is overall good. Busy. Long work hours on both ends of the day. So many broken things around here that need to be fixed. Money is tight. Max turned 4. Party was good. He got a new big boy bike which he likes (have a few pics, but no time to even off-load), but he only really wants to ride it when I'm around. And, I haven't had as much of it. R covets the bike and will carress and touch it when Max isn't around to yell at him. Both N and R watch with avid facination and what looks to be a little envy.

Boring work meeting is over. Back to finish up some real work and go spend time with the kids before dinner/bed.

Ha

2009-08-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

At least for the moment, I've outsmarted the twins. I evaluated the difficulty settling to sleep situation that has been escalating over the last week and dragged on for 3 hours last night. R almost always falls asleep before N. She then becomes bored of playing whatever is in her crib or destroying a new board book, then falls asleep when she is good and ready.

My belief of what was occurring is that were feeding off each other and playing and talking across the room. I thought about separating them, but the problem is that the crib in my room isn't full size and it doesn't have a crib tent. To be successful, R would have to be the one to move. No way would N go for it, just wouldn't happen. And, I don't really want to invest in another full size crib and crib tent for my room unless absolutely necessary. A quick ponder of moving one of the twins into Max's room was quickly ruled out as guaranteed to make the situation worse at this point in time, although when the twins are old enough to leave the crib I do plan on putting all three in the same room for a few years..or at least that is the current plan.

I decided to try the simplest approach as possible...putting a blanket on the side of R's crib so the twins couldn't see each other unless they were standing up. Worked like a charm. Ha, take that. Score one for mom. Now, I'll just be hoping it wasn't a fluke.

Unbelievable

2009-08-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what is more unbelievable at the moment....

the fact that I am sitting here pumping and still have milk when I haven't pumped in over 11 days now. No, I'm not planning on starting back up. I'm just in pain. I have a clogged duct in my lower right outside of my breast that really has to be drained to prevent infection and put me out of my misery only made worse by the fact that I took and elbow to that very region while doing bedtime routine with Max. I've suspected that I still had milk, although after just being sore for a few days things have been fine, no problems, no engorgement, no real discomfort. Then, over the weekend, I felt my milk come down again for some reason, thought I must have imagined it, until today when things got progressively more uncomfortable. I hadn't really planned on it until I realized that no matter how tired I am I don't think I could get a good night sleep feeling the way I do.

the fact that the twins did not fall asleep until almost 3 hours after bedtime. Completely unacceptable. I will have a stern talk with them in the morning, but for tonight I just concentrated on pulling up my reserve of calm and patience. They just could not settle. They talked and babbled and played and just got strung out and couldn't sooth to sleep. A lot of repeated intervention was needed. Max also had trouble settling tonight, but it only took him an hour past bedtime and one extra round of cuddles and nodded off just in time to take a late work meeting. All this after Max spent the majority of the night in bed with me which means I had way more wakings than usual and was already extra tired.

in other news, Max continues to be the diaper police. He set an edict about a month ago that N gets the "bird" diapers and R the "butterfly" ones, because N likes birds and she is his beautiful girl. When it isn't annoying, it is hilarious because he actually checks and reprimands Noemi and I when we forget. I have to say, he does have me trained at this point on the diaper issue. However, we have been able to convince him that no matter how much he would like otherwise, N is going in the blue highchair instead of his old one because the blue one is cloth and the other cleans up easier because R eats like Max...meaning that he is a complete slob and gets food everywhere (which is funnier when you are not the one cleaning it up) and R can get out of the straps on the blue one and pull to a stand so it is as much if not more a safety issue.

i played hooky from work today to drop off the paperwork for my living will/trust that I've had for ages, drop off books/pick up a book from the library, get a few documents notarized including request for the twins birth certificates, stopped in at the pharmacy, and a quick trip into a grocery store for cup cake tins for Max's class on Friday. I will pay the piper tomorrow but feeling good about getting some of that stuff off my list.

or, how much milk I just pumped out. A total of 9 oz...5 from the one giving me the trouble and 4 from the other. That is an ounce more than my typical average and almost double what I was getting at the point I stopped. I hope this takes care of the blocked duct. Good thing I only thought about giving away my pump this weekend before thinking I may try to make some money by selling it on craigs list.

I guess the fact that I still had milk and how much I pumped is topping the amazing list now that I've had a chance to ponder it. If I had any time or energy I'd go look it up, but thought that after that long, surly I should have dried up.

Poor Home Bodies

2009-08-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

I realized this morning as we drove to a friends for lunch that the twins are pretty insulated, sheltered, don't get to go places very often. Other than church or doctors offices or the occasional trips to the park with Noemi or walks around the neighborhood, they really haven't been out and about much. I'd feel guiltier except that not only is it just so hard (although getting easier and easier) to pack up and get out, they were preemies I was trying to keep as healthy as possible their first winter. They warmed up after about 20 minutes or so. It was fun and I was able to have about 2 conversations amid the caous before eating quickly and backing up to head home to get the twins for a nap. What was I thinking even hauling the swim gear? Luckily, Max was able to stay with my cousin and swim of which I'm only slightly envious about as with the twins napping and Max swimming I could have actually sat and talked a minute. Oh well, ce la vie, this phase too shall pass soon enough. And, I took a bit of a rest and now must go tackle some chores while I have a chance before the sleeping beauties wake.

Less of a secret

2009-08-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

One of the things I have done this summer is host a few parties because I like to and have a nice backyard for that sort of thing. One of the parties I hosted was a group of local single mom by choice women. It was a smaller more intimate group where it is easy to sit in a group and talk to everyone as a group, which is how I like it. Most of the women in attendance were pregnant and most with donor egg or embryo. So, there was a lot of fertility talk, talk about DE, and such.

Also in attendance was my mom (to help with the twins) and my sister from NJ who happened to be visiting that weekend at the last minute with her family. The single mom gathering had been on the books for months and months.

Since I've missed many of our monthly get togethers over the last year or so with a difficult pregnancy, preemie twins in or just out of the hospital, and life revolving around nap schedules I didn't know many of the women well and I'm pretty sure that only 1 knew that I used DE for the twins and I whispered to her that my family didn't know that I used DE. All that to say that while there was a lot of fertility and DE talk, none of it was specifically around me, my kids, or the twins.

This did not stop my mom and my sister from sitting me down after everyone left and the kids were in bed and ask me straight out if I had used DE for the twins. I gave them a straight answer.

The fact that I used DE isn't a secret per se. It just never really came up. By the time I moved to DE, I had so many failed cycles and been trying for so long that I just didn't want to talk about the details with anyone anymore. Plus, I feel pretty strongly that the twins need to know and I need to talk to them about it first rather than hearing it from someone/anyone else. I feel this is especially true since Max was conceived with my eggs and the twins were not. I don't want something thrown in the twins face by a sibling (read Max) being a stinker.

All in all, I'm pretty apathetic around the fact that my mom and sister knows other than my family is terrible about spredding gossip so I need to assume now that every relative both close and not now knows. I hope that everyone respects my desire to tell the twins when they are ready* and that this is their story. Other than that, no big deal really.

* I have heard that around 6 years is the age for children to process and have a book checked out from the library that is supposed to be good in aiding the discussion. Still need to actually look at that book.

Heard around the house

2009-08-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

If you were a fly following us around today, you might have heard the following.

This morning:
Max: Where's that man?
Me: What man?
Max: Where's the man that (blah blah blah...couldn't understand what he said)
Me: The man that put up the sign? (since I had no idea what he was talking about/said?
Max: No, the one with the seed.
Me: Oh, the donor? The man that donated the seed to help make you?
Max: Yes
Me: I don't know. He was a nice man that donated a seed. When you are 18 if you want to meet him, you can if it works out. I don't know where he is right now. He was a police officer, in Northern California I think, going to school at the time he gave the seed. Northern California is on the other side of the state. We live in Southern California.
Max: And, Aunt TT lives in Southern California now too.
Me: Yes, she and Uncle Jim and CC live even more south.

This evening:
Max: (picking up a wooden puzzle piece in the shape of a police car while we were doing the twin bed time routine) Is this a picture of the donor's car? Is his car like this?
Me: It is not a picture of his car and I don't know if he had a car like this.

Interspersed throughout the day...
Max: ....well, my daddy told me that when I was a baby, that's how I know that
almost always said to some outlandish thing that he made up like ...
Max: cheese sticks are a vegetable
Me: No, cheese sticks are a protein
Max: well, my daddy told me that cheese was a vegetable when I was a baby and I remember that so I'm right.

or

Max: I get to drive a car when I'm 4 years old.
Me: People are not allowed to drive until they are at least 16 years old and can show that they know and can follow all of the traffic rules.
Max: Well, my daddy told me that I can drive when I'm 4 when I was 2 years old and I remember.
Me: Hmmmm.

or

Max: I'm going to drink this the fastest. I'm going to win for my brother and sister.
Me: Eating and drinking is not a race.
Max: Yes it is. My dad told me that eating was a race when I was a baby and I remember.

etc. and so on

He is not upset. Just more matter of fact. Questioning in things and making things up that are hard to argue about because even at three he is bound and determined to get the last word as in "yes, I do to have a daddy" or "yes, he did tell me that" or whatever. The most effective strategy is to either acknowledge with a hmmm or just not engage in this crazy 'my daddy told me when I was a baby talk' cause there is no winning and he will just argue to argue and I refuse. I'm half convinced he just does it to be adversarial and dare me into refuting it.

Done.

2009-08-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm done with pumping and feeling quite melancholy about it actually. It's time. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't time, but I'm still feeling sad and hormonal over it. Yes, I was happy this weekend (stopped/didn't pump Friday night...I worked until 10 pm instead) when I got to sleep in until 5:30 am Saturday, but over all...I could cry. I did pump a bit Saturday afternoon because I was in pain. Now, I'm just sore. I'm so tempted, as tired as I was of it, to do it just one more time, like an addict, but that will just drag it out. The thing is, this need and desire to pump and keep the milk flowing is all for me. The babies aren't even babies anymore really. They scoff at and refuse baby food because it is so babyish...and they want to do it themselves gosh darn it. Give them breast milk, cow milk, formula, whatever, they are fine and happy.

I've come to realize this isn't about them.

It's about me. I've secretly harbored this fantasy that as they grew, they would decided that breast is best and want to nurse if nothing else for comfort. Hasn't happened. It's not going to happen. I still feel so gypped about not getting to breast feed them.

It about them being born so early and in the NICU for so long. It's about how at that time there was so little I could do for them to make me feel like their mom other than provide as much milk as possible and give them as much time as could.

It's about the fact that I'm done having babies. Done. Over. Finished. Never to go there again. One was a miracle and a dream come true. Two was more than a blessing and an answer to prayers. Three was the bonus ...that which I didn't really want, but now would never want to live without. The icing on the cake to make our family complete.

It's about the fact that I haven't had my monthly menses since October or November 2007. I haven't missed it. I don't want it back. I don't want the reminder that menopause is around the corner. I don't want the reminder that my ovaries let me down. I don't want to remember all those years of ttc or the failures.

It's about habits and routines and something becoming so much a part of me and my life. And, oddly, while it's mainly about me, it's not totally about me. Max is being affected by the change. As much as he cried and hated it and tried to pull apart the pump when I first started way back 14 1/2 months ago, he's affected by my stopping as well. I've pumped for over 1/3 of his life. The very, very first thing he said to me this morning as he woke up late and came rushing out of his room in a panic was "you didn't start pumping already, I wanted you to wait for me" as he started to cry and throw a fit. And, I reminded him that he didn't miss it, I'm not pumping anymore.

It's about the fact that I may never get to sit down, especially on weekends, again. Pumping was forced down time. Time to sit and have a drink of water or tea. Check out email and keep up with a few things online. Time to take a break, cuddle with Max, rest awhile...all for a worthy cause of breast milk for the babies.

It's about the fact that by all accounts, the babies don't need it anymore. It's about them growing up so fast. As much as I'm happy they are out of that baby phase and things are just getting so much easier, there is a finality to this. There is no going back. Done is done forever more.

I'm done and no matter how right the decision. I'm feeling the blues.

And, that is why I'm going to become a waffle connoisseur and am going to keep practicing and trying new recipes and fine tuning so much that when they are teens I'm not even going to need a recipe anymore. And, that is why I was up late Saturday night making waffles for Sunday breakfast (and to freeze) and meatloaf for Sunday dinner and baking chicken for today. Maybe I'm going to inspire myself to pull out my grandma's home made cinnamon twist recipe and perfect that as well. They won't remember the breast milk, maybe they will remember that and feel love and comfort when they are grown.

I could pump for another month or longer, but until when and why? I can use the extra time now, although now that I'm stopping it doesn't seem like that much work or effort anymore. The grass is always greener kind of thing.

Weaning Max at 7 months to start to ttc was the most traumatic part of his babyhood for me. The only thing that got me through was the fact I may get a second chance. I did and I didn't. I'm not about regrets. I'm about making the best decision I can at the time and moving on. However, I'm pretty sure if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have weaned him then. I wouldn't have couldn't have given it up. Yada Yada, I know I had to so I could try and fail and try and fail ad nausium until I was ready to move on to donor egg.

Instead of making me feel better by purging and forgetting, I think this is making me feel worse. Maybe some day, I'll get over this dream, this fantasy, this longing for that which will never be. No more.

Done.

Where for art thou?

2009-07-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

Working - First meeting of the day starts at 6:30 am local time. Last meeting of the day several nights a week 8 pm. It will suck even more next month when I and everyone else in my group/on my team does this for significantly less money as all of our job codes and salaries are being adjusted.

Family - Spending as much time in between with the kids, taking sick R to the peds to confirm yet another double ear infection and start antibiotics. Got into Max's classroom to make an "ocean in a bottle" which was a big hit and most kids wanted two. I'm psyching myself up to spend more time with all three of my children since I will likely have to cut the nannies hours/pay less in attempt to make up for some of the difference in my reduced pay.

Extended Family - I've had a fair amount of visitors/company with my sister and her family in town. my cousins husband who has already moved out for his new job, and now my cousin and her youngest who are here with a friend. The older kids are driving the cars out.

So far so good

2009-07-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

N is completely off of phenobarbital now and doing quite well. Maybe the OT was right and the had banging/tapping was related to having a head cold as it only happened those two days. The early childhood development therapist didn't seem to think it was sensory as much as she is now starting to be more aware of her body, including her head now that she isn't under the influence.

Max has mostly been dry at night, I thought except for once until tonight when I went to put him to bed and found a wet pair of PJ bottoms on his bedroom floor. I guess that's why he woke up so early this morning. I didn't realize it because he had put on a different/new pair before coming into my bed.

I'm up making waffles, because I've been wanting too all day and didn't get the chance. I was almost too tired to even clean up the kitchen after the kids went down, but made myself since the dishwasher really needed to be run. I'm glad I rallied. The waffle iron and I are still getting to know each other and I keep trying different recipes that cook differently, but all good so far. We will see how this batch freezes. I think I'm going to look around for another iron or two so I can cook more at one time. Freecyle here I come...when I get a spare minute or two.

Swing me, Rock me, Bounce Me

2009-07-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

Higher, faster, wilder

N started doing some mild head banging yesterday. Okay, it was more like rocking her head into what was ever behind her. Not hard, more like a tap, but it still didn't thrill me. I picked her up and put her in the excersaucer so she could bounce. OT came today and witnessed it. She didn't seem concerned and said she could be doing it because her head is stuffy, etc. and we would have to wait to see if it was truly a sensory issue. She said the excersaucer was a good choice and we walked around the house and talked about other alternatives like the excerball, the swing (which she doesn't really like because it doesn't swing wild or high enough for her), the pool, bouncing in the pool, the rocking horse, etc. In spite of what the OT says, my gut tells me sensory. I remember distinctly thinking sensory months 3 - 6 when she was first home with the hospital when she would not cuddle/fall asleep in your arms and spent many full or parts of night in the swing. I have the Out of Sync Child (or something like that) checked out from the library so my mind can research what my instinct is telling me. Now, to only have the time and energy to actually open and read it at the end of the day.

Speaking of swings, N is asleep in one right now. Sadly, the battery operated swing part of that no longer swings. The manual swing method got old after 5 minutes. However, she seems to have fallen asleep, hopefully for the night, in the amount of time it took me to go to the neighbors to reborrow their swing that I had returned months ago. Maybe we wont need it after all, but I'm glad I have it in reserve...just in case. Life is so much better with a halfway decent night sleep.

ps. I never really would resort to violence on my poor (probably not so innocent) cat, but I do think about it on occassion, like now when he is meowing and bugging me when I just want a bit of peace and quiet at the end of a long, busy day. At least this time, I know why. I've moved his water bowl. I've shown him where its new spot it, but he isn't thrilled. The problem with the old spot is that it was in the master bathroom and with the babies moble, the bathroom door gets closed off for most of the day so he doesn't have access to it. The new spot is on the table right next to his food and the other water bowl he refuses to use. I can tell a power struggle is going to ensue. I'm prepared to win this one this time. He keeps at it, he will be banned for the night.

Got Snot?

2009-07-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

Plenty of buggers to be had around here along with sneezes, coughs, body aches, and such.

Max, undies, and bed were all dry this morning. I praised him for "knowing his body" and when it was ready.

On Weaning

2009-07-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

We are in week 5.5 of the 6 week wean of N from phenobarbital. It is going fine because of there have been no seizures. However, it has unmasked some sensory stuff. Mostly rocking and difficultly soothing to sleep. The self soothing to sleep wasn't too bad until we hit the 1 cc/ml mark. The last few days have been bad. Tonight was awful. Thank goodness for the OT who has given me some good tips that have helped probably making it less bad that it could have been.

With the new high stress job, the lack of sleep, and now the sickness/cold thing I have going on (we all sound like we may be headed that way...pisses me off because we were on a nice healthy streak until I had to take R to the 'ficken doctors this week and had to to take Max for logistical reasons...and no matter how much stuff you don't touch and how you clean the hands, etc. seems like we end up sick after every appointment) my milk supply is WAY down. I keep telling myself I should just give it up. It's a sign that it is time to just stop. But, the stubborn streak in me doesn't care how much easier it would make my life and the fact that it would reduce the some of the stress in my life. Bottom line is I wanted/want to make it until the fall and I don't want to be all resentful later in life that I didn't especially for a stupid job. I may still just stop one day. I almost did tonight, but I can be a stubborn ole goat sometimes.

In spite of it all, it was a very pleasant and almost relaxing weekend. I had company for part of it (cousin's husband), got stuff done around the house (mostly before he got here), hosted a party, and really forgot about work and the work stresses for most of it. It's been hot, hot, hot. But, we've been out enjoying the pool and the warm lazy afternoons with friends relaxes me. We even made it to church today with and extra set of helping hands, it wasn't too bad.

Max is in just undies tonight. He didn't want to wear a pull up and told me he will get up to use the potty. And, he HAS been dry most of the last 7 days. In spite of my fear that he is going to wake up wet and in my bed waking me up in the middle of the night so I get less sleep than the little I have been getting, I let him do it and hope for the best.

True or False

2009-07-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

1) Debbie had started work today with a 6:30 am meeting.
2) Debbie had back to back meetings all day such that she could not take her preschooler to school.
3) Debbie is on day 3 of a new job managing a project that is 7 months into an 18 month schedule. The schedule shows we are 60% through our work and 80% through our effort. Everyone assumes this is wrong. We are 2 weeks away from quarterly client deliverable and no one knows whether we are really on track to meet them.
4) Debbie will have a 6:30 am weekday meeting for the foreseeable future.
5) Debbie will have back to back meetings such that she can not take her preschooler to school for the foreseeable future.
6) Debbie discovers that the nanny has left Max home, because he didn't want to go and I was home, while she gave the twins their morning walk.
7) N does not sleep as planned during morning nap and instead screams her head off, which is a problem because a) nanny has taken Max to school and to pick up a Rx refill needed for tonight b) Debbie is supposed to be working c) the handset battery on the phone is shot so has the call on conference.
8) R finally gets offically taken off of O2 and apnea monitor.
9) R decides he doesn't like his pulminologist and screams for every little thing like the stethiscope, the ear check.
10) R got so upset that he gagged and vomited (in his mothers quick hands) during the throat check.
11) The wait at the doctors took forever and we got home significantly after the nanny was supposed to leave.
12) Debbie anticipated a potential late return and picked up Max and took him with because we are running with one car right now meaning she had two kids in tow to wait forever and to manage all while trying to talk to the doctor.

If you guessed 12 true 0 false, you are a winner. Stress level is a tad high around here.

In other news, feel free to go vote for Ms. N*O*R*A...
http://radiobase1.clearchannel.com/front/image_contest2.asp?VT=Date&Action=Detail&Type=Count&SurveyID=15592&zx=293&SubID=&ImgID=41338

Max's teacher talked me into entering her into a cutest baby contest. Speaking of N, I could probably do a whole post on her if I had the time and energy. Overall, she is doing great. She is now crawling and picking up speed. Standing, but hasn't mastered/figured out how to get back down. We have weaned her down to 2cc's/ml's of phenobarbital and go to 1cc/ml on Thursday. Some sensory stuff has started to surface along the weaning path. I'm so so so glad I fought and got OT started for N before the funding was cut and it didn't happen. Nothing to major...a lot of rocking and some difficulty falling asleep. OT has given good techniques that are helping.

Just because

2009-07-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

There something a bit decadent and scandalous of imbibing while pumping almost ...shall we say...naked while watching a silly reality show (Ice Road Truckers).

Why? Just because. The bubbly has been in the fridge for ages and ages. It's a GOOD bottle too. Now, a big chocolate bar would have only put things over the top so probably a good thing I don't have one in the house.

R's climbing. N's crawling. Max is swimming.

Overall, a good weekend. A friend over on Friday. Some family and neighbors over on Saturday. Solo all day today. Sitting on the other side of the day, I can say that it really wasn't that bad. Although, we skipped church in favor of naps. And, no, there were no firework events planned or attended. Hey, it's past bedtime. There will be many years in the future for such festivities. Just not worth it right now when they are so young and I'm running solo.

Now, off to savor the bubbly. Just because it sounded good and is tasting even better.

It's 6:10 pm

2009-06-28T18:12:00.001-07:00

It's 6:10 pm Sunday night. Do you know where your children are? Mine are asleep, asleep, asleep. We rally'd and made it to church, the 9 am service which meant the twins only got 1 nap, not 2 today. I've tried the 11 am, but...it just doesn't seem to work as well as skipping a nap. N can hang no problem. R starts loosing it towards the end. Max had lots of swimming in the pool today and he's out as well. I could do the dishes, but...I'm not gonna and you can't make me. I was caught up except for dinner so it isn't too bad. Still, it was a busy hands on day and the Sunday sitter cancelled so I'm going to pump, take a quick shower, then cuddle in bed with a book. Or, chat with my cousin who should be back by then from house hunting in San Deigo and will be here until Wednesday, then back early August with all their earthly posessions. It was such a nice weekend. With the big leverage of wanting to go swim in the big pool, Max was on his best behavior and that just makes all the difference in the world. Days and weekends like this are exactly what I imagined and wanted when I dreamed of my family.

Perfect

2009-06-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

It was a perfect summer day. Everyone was healthy. Lot's of outdoor play and swimming. The twins took good naps and went down well. Max went down great. That combination of fresh outdoor air and water...got to love it! Max and I had time to play 1:1 while the twins had their morning nap before Nana came, then were able to get in the big pool a few times. Max was so proud because he was able to dive down and get the dive toys from the bottom...just like the bigger kids. I took R in the big pool, but he really wasn't that impressed and the water is much colder than the baby pool which I'm able to fill with warm water. N was content to splash and crawl in nice warm baby pool. I was able to make a nice dinner (eaten at 3 pm :) and baby food while the twins took their afternoon nap and Max played 1:1 with Nana. It was one of those days where there just seemed to be enough time for everything...keeping up with the dishes, cooking, especially lots of outdoor fun. Ah, every day doesn't have to be this perfect, but it sure was nice.

ps. N is mobile. She's been crawling backward, combat forward, and slow. She's starting to pick up speed. She was almost out her bedroom door in the time it took me to go to the kitchen and back. So nice to see her getting there, but also..OMG...watch out...all three moving and grooving is likely to be scary at least half the time. :)

1 Yr Peds - 5

2009-06-26T18:35:00.000-07:00

The twins had their one year peds appointment on Monday. I'd tell you the stats, but I can't find the piece of paper they were written on. The doc and I never got around to talking percents anyway. He has two young ones...a 35 weeker that is probably about 4 or 5 months now and maybe a 3 year old...and he had them all weekend by himself since his wife was working. He said things like super mom and how do I do it and we laughed and said how much less work it often was to actually go to work. What I remember is that N was 20 lbs. R just slightly less than that at 19 lbs 10 oz. R was slightly longer than N and his head was slightly bigger. This always surprises me since when you look at N' she looks like she is much bigger and longer. But, it just isn't so. We were going to test their iron. Well, actually, we were going to test their iron at their 9 month, but alas the doc and I were so sleep deprived that we forgot to even talk about it. Then, the twins got shots and the nurse didn't prick and it didn't happen. I remembered this days later. Called to follow up on wether I was supposed to go to a lab, but no...it is done in the office. The nurse seemed a bit stunned when I suggested we just wait then until their 15 month appointment or I'll bring them when Max has his 4 year in appointment. She studdered out "let me check on that" with the doc, who ...had no problem with this...not urgent. I'll just keep on given them iron supplements until then. Really not a big deal.

Since Monday, we've started them on whole milk which is going fine. I dropped a day or two ago my middle of the day pump and am just going morning and night for now. This is yielding enough breast milk for everything except the last bottle of the day. Have I mentioned how much I love my ped? We talked about stopping the breast milk and he said that the only real studies were for 1 year or less and then asked me what my exit strategy had been in my mind. And, I said 1 year, but that it has come and gone, but I'm not sure I'm ready to stop. He said, whether 12 days, 12 weeks, or 12 months, if it is just too much for a mom, it is just too much and he is supportive. I'll probably go through this summer at least and stop this fall...my internal adjusting for preemie status even though I've been told it isn't necesssary.

In other news, the massive sore throat and body aches that has been plequing me for almost a week are almost gone. As of Monday, my current position is officially so unvaluable as to not exist anymore, but I'll putter around at it and a few other things until my new one starts mid July.

Made milk shakes and smoothies with Max's classroom today. We had fun.

My weekend sitter cancelled for Sunday, but I'm still looking forward to the weekend.

A Max Funny

2009-06-24T19:16:00.001-07:00

Max's godfather was in town again this weekend and took him to the library to return books and get new ones while they were out running errands for me. I was reading one of them...the only one of the four that we have actually read at this point...he's funny like that...we will get three or four and then really only read one of them most of the time, but he doesn't want to get only one book. He is always trying for as many as he thinks he can get away with. Anyway, the title of the book is called "A diary of a worm". When I got all done reading it, Max asks me in this incredulous voice "where was the diarrhea?" and was so disappointed. So, we have inserted the word diarrhea in two pages to appease the audience. I'm sure that's not what the author had in mind, but I figure installing a love of reading comes in many shapes and sizes. He loves him so potty talk, that is for sure. His god father heard the comment and my readjustment and commended me on my page selection and quick adaptation.

Stubborn goat

2009-06-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

Max can be an ornery stubborn ole goat at times. These days it seems like most of the time. This morning, not even 6 am and we are in the twins room and I'm changing diapers. R went first while Max and N bonded in her crib. Then, R was free and I was doing N's poo. R picks up and starts swinging this hard toy. Max starts cheering and telling him to bonk N on the head. I ignore Max, but tell R not to listen to his brother and that I will have to take the toy away if it does bonk N, because it hurts her and she doesn't like it. R, this time, doesn't get drawn in, so Max gets out of the crib, takes the toy away from R, and bonks N (not hard and she didn't even cry), but as he was preparing for all this, I warned him the consequence would be that he would need to leave the room. He did, I put him out of the room, he didn't like it.

Jim (my cousin's husband who has a new job in San Diego and is here again this weekend...cousin comes tomorrow) were talking about this last night...how he just tests and pushes it to make sure you are going to follow through. Jim told me that at the store yesterday Max was trying to poke a whole in the wrap for the meat. Jim asked him to stop. Max didn't. He was warned to stop or he would need to get out of the cart for 2 minutes. He did it anyway.

It just gets so tiring and as much of a pain it is to follow through it is worse and escalates if I don't (which does happen on rare occasion) follow through. I feel like I always need leverage by having something he wants to do, but can't if he doesn't listen or is mean or am constantly having to give him consequences.

It gets old. Or, have I said that already.

I keep hoping it is a phase, but I think part of it is just personality. Has be a bit scared for the future when I really stop to think about it.

Green Light

2009-06-18T17:45:00.001-07:00

I was given the green light today by N's neurologist to start weaning her from the phenobarbital. Yeah! She had an EEG - HATED IT! But, I guess the doc got enough of what he needed. So, here is to hoping that she responds as well as I think she will (i.e. no seizures) so that we can be done with it all. So, a full six weeks to wean and a follow up in early December.

Some mornings

2009-06-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

Some mornings it is much harder to get up and get going. This morning was one of them. Up with a sick feverish hallucinating (although not too bad this time) kid (Max). We both had just fallen asleep (at least if felt that way but it could have been 30 - 45 minutes later) when R woke and wanted to eat at which point I had less than an hour before I had to be up and moving. Climbed into Max's bed because he was in my bed and snoring and finds me like a beacon and wants to touch and cuddle in his sleep..ick. Forced myself up 10 minutes late, but at least my 7 am meeting was canceled this morning. N, my most excellent sleeper, is up eating cereal and watching TV (Baby Bach) while I pump. She sleeps well, but 11 hours is enough for her but at least I got here out of there without waking R for a change. He's not fond of being alone and can usually sense it and wake up and put up a fuss if the crib tent zipper doesn't wake him. You should here him during the day if he is left someplace alone. You'd think he is being tortured or is seriously hurt or something, but just stops and gives his big toothy grin when you come back. I don't need 11 hours, don't think I ever slept for 11 hours, but 7 would be nice. 5? Okay, Max is up and grump. Only 15 hours or so until the next sleep opportunity.

I wonder

2009-06-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

This may sound odd, but as I sit here another night pumping yet again...I wonder when I am going to stop. I know I wanted to make it at least to the year mark. That has come and gone. The twins 1 year ped appointment is next Monday and rumor has it that they can be switched to whole milk at any time and one does not need to adjust for the prematurity in this. We will get his take next week. However, even if he does give the green light, I'm not sure that I'm ready, willing, and able to stop just yet. Certainly, I'm tired of it even if it has become habit and routine for us all. I wonder if there is any significant extra benefit for them to continue to get as much of it as possible. On rare occassion, I still attempt to offer each a chance at the breast. They smile and laugh at me and make it clear that there is no interest so I'm not holding out for that. Maybe I will drop the middle of the day pump and just do morning and night and introduce cows milk and plan to go until the end of the summer or early fall, even if not necessary to adjust for the prematurity, just because. Or, maybe I will just get sick of it one day after I'm sure they can tolerate the cows milk and we've run out of forumla (cause I'm not buying any more of that I tell you...I'm done happily with that in my own mind) and just stop. I wonder. I thought I'd be more than ready to stop given the slightest reason and oddly, I find that I am not.

Almost laughable

2009-06-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

I found out what my sister...the one who, apparently, hasn't been talking to me is miffed. Not from her, of course.

I guess when she brought me home from the hospital from having the twins, Max asked for her or wanted her or something...really, I don't even remember it....and, I started to cry.

Now, let's keep in mind, that I was still in shock, had tons of hormones, was crying over everything and JUST LEFT MY TWO VERY PREMATURE BABIES IN THE HOSPITAL, had missed Max terribly, had just had a major surgery, and was already sleep deprived.

Anyway, she has been upset for over a year now on something that I truly don't even recall. How sad is that? On many levels.

After thinking long and hard on and off since I found out, I have only the most vague of recollections of coming home at all. And, during that time I was most concerned with how hard all of this was on Max. Really something like that and the other acting out he did that week until my cousin came didn't bother me in a take it personal kind of way.

The mom that had always been around, working from home, and his rock was all of a sudden gone two weeks back to back. I got that and how hard it was for him and even though he couldn't express it the anger and fear and life altering it all was for him.

The whole thing almost makes me want to laugh that she has been so hurt and upset over something that I can't even remember. Heck, I've even told anyone who would listen and care how much she and my other sister stepped up to the plate. Here she has been feeling put out and under appreciated for nothing.

Another, very small part of me, wonders if I really want someone in my life who is so self absorbed that she couldn't understand how hard and emotional that day was for me. Or, the first 3 months until both babies came home. Or, the first year entirely.

Obviously, I should have done a better job of showing and expressing my appreciation.

But, ah...come on? Really, that's what this has all been about? I knew I didn't have a clue and most have missed something along the way, but this?

The funny (in a sad sort of way that isn't funny at all) is that she must have not been talking to me for a lot longer than I realized as I really only clued in over the last month or so just figuring that I was busy and she was busy. And, she was really letting this get to her. I have to remind myself that she must have really been hurt by it.

Not quite sure how I want to handle the situation as I'm not supposed to know (talked it out of another family member). She did make a brief appearance at the twins birthday party. So, maybe my email of the other week at least got her thinking or trying to put it behind her. Probably, this week some time I'll send her a note thanking her for the gift cards for the twins birthday and adding in about what a hard year it was and the many angels in my life including her helped right at the right time making it just a bit easier.

One day soon when I get over how petty it all seems and self absorbed and selfish on her part and can truly feel the hurt she must have felt.

Yeah for help!

2009-06-15T19:17:00.001-07:00

I'm sure this is stating the obvious, but things go really well around here with the right kind of help. My cousin's husband was in town this weekend and started a new job today. They are moving out this way this summer, which is terrific news. They are god parents to all three of my kids. He is an experienced dad with his eldest finished with her first year of college, his second graduated from high school last week, and his baby in middle school. Max just thinks he is the best and ran errands with him and had a grand ole time. Setting up for the party was easy peasy with him out of the picture and the twins napping and I had someone come in towards the end of the party to help clean up and feed the twins dinner. Sunday, I even got to nap while the twins napped. It was awesome and much needed since it was one of those nights where I didn't get much sleep. Last night, I wasn't completely exhausted at the end of the weekend. I almost forgot what that felt like. Made me think that maybe marriage may not be so bad with the right person. I do it solo all the time by myself and don't think too much about it. Maybe that's why it was such a nice suprise.

Happy Birthday to you!!

2009-06-11T19:00:00.003-07:00

The twins turned ONE today. What a roller coaster....What a ride.....

Poor Fellow

2009-06-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

Under the things that could make you cry or scream.....

R is on day 3.5 of antibiotics. Still feverish. Still feeling terrible. Still clingy and crabby (for him). Just not shaking things. Called the peds office and urgent care gave the wrong dosage ... half of what he should have been taking. Thankfully, they just called in a new prescription with the proper dosage and we are starting the 10 day clock over.

I'm glad I called put upset that it was wrong in the first place and that I didn't follow up and check with either my friend who is a ped or our peds office earlier. When the doc gave me the dosage, it seemed a bit low to me, but I honestly couldn't remember and thought about asking him if he was sure but figured....ah, he went to medical school and I didn't and prescribing meds is key part of his job so presumably he knew what he was doing. To bad, because they really were close and convienient, but they have lost my trust now. I'm wondering if I should call them back and tell them or just let it go.

I just feel bad for my poor little fellow who just wants to be held when there hasn't been enough time to do that for him and that he spent several more days than he should have feeling miserable because of an error and a mom not following through on something when her instinct suggested she should.

Tapped out

2009-06-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

How do you feel today sister? Tapped out. Spent. Emotionally drained.

It was a hard day. It was announced today that many colleagues I have worked with for many years. Good solid knowledgeable hard working people will be out of work in the next round of layoffs. I myself will be moving into a new role.

I had a clogged milk duct. Ouch. I added heat and extra pumps and think I now have it cleared again.

R is still sick, but seems to have turned the corner.

Three, almost 4 year olds, can be so annoying sometimes, especially when you are tired, have a headache, a sore boob, and emotionally spent because of work.

I did not get to the store, but did get the car into the shop for routine service where they found and additional $550 worth of potential work. I didn't do it all.

N pulled herself up into a stand yesterday. She was so proud. She's starting to move and scoot and think maybe she will be crawling soon.

I need to make birthday cakes either today or tomorrow. I've thought about only making some for the party and not their actual day. They won't know, but I likely won't. I guess it depends on how the next few days goes.

Know better

2009-06-06T12:46:00.001-07:00

Just shoot me, pop me over the head, give me a strong reminder next time I even think of uttering the words healthy, reasonably healthy, or any such sentiment. Really. I know better. I do.

R = urgent care = double ear infection.

The bad news, other than the sickness, is that the peds office was too busy to even return a phone call to get us in today and a flock of birds or at least a really big one poo'd all over the twins, the stroller, and the car when I was loading them in to come home...gross. The good news is the urgent care was open, close, quick, and not too expensive.

I started suspecting yesterday actually. R was a little fussy and he usually isn't. Then, he woke up about an hour after bedtime last night screaming and rubbing his ear, but no fever and he went right back. He woke up crying off and on all night, but self soothed and fell right back to sleep. Forgot about it actually in the morning madness until he woke up from his morning nap with a fever and I just knew. So, dealt with early in the day and will get some meds in the fellow and get him on the med. Poor guy.

Now, just hoping N doesn't get it.

State of affairs

2009-06-06T05:51:00.000-07:00

It's 5:50 am on a Saturday morning. What are you doing?

Me: I'm up. Been up for almost 2 hours now. Ray cried in his sleep. Woke me up and that was that. I'm now pumping.

R: In excersaucer and not thrilled with it. He was tolerating it while he had his cookie/toddler biscuit in his hands, but seems to have lost. Ah, just started a DVD all from the confines of the couch and he has stopped whinning again. I don't care what anyone says. TV rocks!

Max: Sleeping in. Good. With me short on sleep it's better he gets lot to improve the odds of a decent day. Speaking of the devil, I hear stirring from within his room and expect to see him momentarily. Yep.

N: Getting some floor/tummy time. Normally, she gets put in the exersaucer as well for safety reasons...hers. But, she's really starting to move and getting closer to crawling and with one brother confined and the other alseep it was a good opportunity. She had a follow up with the cardiologist this week and we don't need to go back again for a year. She still has and I forget the medical terms here...a skin tag on one of the ventricles of her heart likely caused by the PIC line in the NICU and then they saw this time the normal opening in the heart has not fully closed yet. Both were dully noted, but neither seemed concerning by either the tech or the doc. And, they even agreed with me that TV rocks since N and a little Barney in mommy's lap made the entire visit much shorter and better than it could have gone especially since the nurse putting her on the table to measure her length set off screams that got people popping in to make sure things were okay.

I both look forward and dread weekends. I like the extra time with the kids, but it is hard and tiring especially when I head into it tired which is pretty much all the time. At least this weekend, everyone seems to be over the sicknesses and are relatively healty.

Big week ahead. Last week/4 days of Preschool for Max (summer school starts the following Tuesday or Wednesday...need to go look that up so it is basically a long weekend which will likely seem forever) and the twins turn 1 with a small party next Saturday.

What's up

2009-06-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

I just sent the following email to my older sister. I actually think I will not hear a word back. When I think about it, which really isn't that often...because I have a lot on my plate right now...I alternate between being angry and sad. We are 13 months apart and her kids are now grown and gone. She lives less than an hour away (pending Los Angeles traffic). When I'm in my angry phase, which I am right now, I remind myself that it has more to do with her than with me and that she has apparently written off and isn't communicating with our youngest sister either. When, I would really just have a good fight with her and be done with it. I'd call, but she's not picking up when I do (admittedly, I haven't called that often...birthday, major holiday's, to try to get ahold of my mom who I thought was at her house and coming to my house, but I wasn't going to be here as planned cause I had to run Ray to the doctors) and haven't heard back. I've sent an email or two and haven't heard back. Presumably, she isn't talking to me. Probably, I would have picked up on this earlier except...I've kind of been busy this year. Sigh.

Did we get in a fight that I don't know about? If there is something I have done or not done to cause problems, it would be nice at some point to know what it is. Because really, I don't have a clue. I feel damned either way. We didn't invite you to Easter which really was an oversight since you have pretty much not participated in any family event in the last few years and you've wanted to keep things small with you and Frank or friends which is fine, but then I heard (indirectly of course, because I presume you aren' t talking to me?) that you were hurt. Then, you do get invited (with plenty of notice) to the twins birthday party and don't even bother to acknowledge or reply either way. It seems that family and holidays were only important when your kids were small at this point. If that's the way you feel then fine, I guess it is better that you are not in our lives right now. Truly, it is your loss. Anyway, I'm presuming since I haven't heard from you that you will not be attending the twins first birthday. It will be the only one they ever have.

I guess I'll go back to just letting things lie and taking the path of least resistance since most of the time that's all I have time and energy to do, but it just makes it harder all the way around. For example, I have a cousin coming in town this weekend for a week...or so I hear through the grapevine...and I would like to see him, but he is staying at her house, then going to San Diego, and this means I likely won't get the chance to see him at all. I totally get him not wanting to stay here since he is single bachelor mid thirties so would be total culture shock, but a shared meal might be nice.

Anyway, I won't go renege my invitation or be petty or any more rash than sending the email, but it would be nice to at least have a clue what the issue is...real or imagined.

Well, I have other things to do, like buy the twins a present, get stuff to make cakes and/or cupcakes, decide on food and decorations ... so, pretty much everything except invite people.

A rare treat

2009-06-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

A friend, whose husband is out of town, came yesterday afternoon ...picking up Max on the way... and made the most delicious dinner. She wouldn't let me help at all in the cooking or cleaning up. We were able to visit. I got extra baby time. It was so nice. The kids...her 5 yrs old b/g twins and Max...played (mostly nicely...with the mostly being Max, of course :). Upon my profuse thanks (i.e. what are you doing every night for the rest of my life?), she commented that woman really appreciate woman since we know the effort involved. I'd feel guilty except I enjoyed it too much and she said she cooks almost every night anyway. Still harder to do it someplace else.

Baby Dayz

2009-06-02T19:54:00.001-07:00

The twins had a field trip to Max's school this morning or Max had the twins in for show and tell today depending on how you look at it. They are having "Baby Week" where people can bring in their babies if they want and all the kids are bringing in baby pictures and trying to guess who is who. Everyone had a wonderful time. The kids all had to tell me they didn't have a baby at home and to show me their baby pictures. Then, they had snacks for the babies which was so sweet, but we had fed them before I left to help it go well. But, all the kids kept shoving the snacks at the twins. It was so funny. Max was so happy. R was in awe. N looked shocked and happy to see so many girls all in one place. She kept starring at all there faces in disbelief and put out her hands to touch them to make sure they were real. N really did well as she tends to be a bit slow to warm. Max came and gave me a big long hug, tried to get R to cause some rucus and held N during circle time. I think the only thing that would have made it better for Max was if R got into his full on menace mode and crawled all over dumping the toys all and wreck the block buildings. It was much funnier to see Max try to insitgate this at school where it didn't work than at home when it does. It was the perfect amount of time...about 40 minutes. R started to reach his comfort zone and made a dash for the bathroom and N was about to loose it from overstimulation. So glad we did it and so like the preschool and teachers Max goes to and has.

Testing, Testing 1 - 2 - 3

2009-06-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

Please, tell me it is just a phase. Please, I implore you as I pray for patience.

Scene: About 5 pm. Dinner is finished. I'm giving R a breathing treatment. Neomi is doing the dishes. N is watching TV and playing nicely. Max is playing and has a poo. Neomi goes to help wipe. Max throws a fit screaming and crying "no, my mommy, I want my mommy to do it" and runs away from her around the house with his pants around his ankles. Fine. I hand R off to Neomi so she can finish the breathing treatment, at which point R starts throwing a fit and knocks the despencer off thus spilling the contents after about 3 minutes. Meanwhile, I wipe Max butt and put him into the tub.

Scene: About 5:15. Max is still in tub. I tell him for the second time no more water. R I am carting around with me as he has decided to be a mommy cling on for the night. N is still playing nicely in baby jail (probably happy her brothers are leaving her alone and she isn't at present moment in physical peril and no one is grabbing all her toys away) and watching TV. I give Max a 5 minute warning.

Scene: About 5:18. Max is still in tub. I hear water go on again. I hand off R to Neomi for diaper change and PJ's. Go tell Max for the 3rd and final time, no more water and now it is time to get out. He throws a fit and refuses to get out. I says he is going to splash water all over the floor [before it drains]. I remind him that if he does, he will need to clean up the water. He does it anyway. He puts a pitcher on his foot and tells me he is going to club me with it and hurt me. I tell him I do not like to be hurt and if he does this, I will have to take away the pitcher and he will not be able to use it for awhile until he can show me he can use it properly. He gets out of the tub with the pitcher, puts it on his foot and clubs [although gently as he is only willing to push it so far] with it. I take it away and put i up out of his reach. He laughs and tells me he will just get it down [but he can't as it is too tall]. I dry him off and give him the towel to dry the wall and floor where he splashed. He refuses. Does a little and then throws the towel into the tub which still has not drained all the way. Most of the towel is wet except one part of which he asks what part is dry. I show him so he can use that to wipe the rest of the water. He puts it back into the tub making sure to get the dry part wet. I send him to the linin closet to get a dry towel. He does. Finally, he starts wiping up the water commenting that it is hard work and he doesn't like doing it. Bingo. Yes, I comment, it's hard work for me too and I don't like it either.

Scene: About 5:45. We are all in the twins room doing last bottle and bedtime for the twins. Neomi has left by now. Max and R had a nice game of chase Max's sippy cup where the goal is for Max to keep it just out of R's reach as R crawls as fast as he can to get it only to have it tossed even further. Both seem to be enjoying this game so it continues until it is R's turn for bottle. Max has turned over the stool for the rocker being warned repeatedly that N doesn't like to have the sharp corners bashed into her head. He is warned [since this has been a problem in the recent past] that if he purposly hurts her or any of us, calls any of us a name, or is disruptive, he will be asked to leave the room. He tests without actually crossing the line this time.

Scene: About 5:50. The twins and I are still doing final stages of bedtime ... getting on sleep blankets and about to start books. I ask Max, who is in the kitchen putting water in bowls for some odd reason, if he wants to pick books and participate. He declines. I start reading. He comes in screaming half way through the book that he wanted to pick and start over and on and on and hissy fit. I calmly tell him that he is not being considerate of the twins bed and book time and if he continues, he will be asked to leave the room. He continues and escalates. He is removed from the room continuing to throw a fit, but at least outside the room so I can finish books and get the twisn to bed.

Scene: About 5:55. Max is still crying and tantruming. I go into his room and cuddle him until he calms down. When I ask what books he wants to read, he indicates the ones I had just read the twins. I get them and then he doesn't want them, but another one. I read the other one. We climb in bed for cuddles and kisses for a bit.

Scene: About 6:20 pm. All three kids are asleep. The beautiful sound of silence.

Now, probably this is all normal age appropriate testing stuff, but ....it sure can be tiring. I hate to be on him so much, but sometimes he just makes such bad choices after being given plenty of warnings. Yes, it's at the end of the day an he is tired. We all are, but still. He has to learn that he can not phyically hurt his siblings at will. He has to learn that he can't go around calling us names, although he really makes an effort not to call me names anymore after pushing it past the limit. He has to learn that being part of a family means being considerate. If I don't correct him, who will and how will he learn. However, he needs the limits. He needs to know when he crosses the line. He tests to make sure he knows where the line is and what it means to cross it and what the consequences are. I need to remind myself of this and that it is normal.

I'm not sure if it is a boy thing, or an age thing, or just a Max thing, but it can try my patience at the best of times. Tonight, I had enough left to stay calm and cool about the whole thing instead of yelling at him and letting him suck me so it went better than it can when I just can't take it anymore.

Well, hopefully, he has learned his lessons or we will be back at it again tomorrow.

ETA: OMG, I just had a terrible, terrible thought....what if it isn't a phase? What if this continues up to and during the teenage years where just that which is tested changes to be bigger and badder and more problematic with bigger consequences. I can see my future and it could be kind of scary. Oh well, nothing to be done but to plug along do the best we can and hope and pray it makes a difference and/or divine intervention.

One with the money, two for the show

2009-06-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

I took Max to the movies for the first time yesterday. I would say he loved the experience and was ready to do it again soon. The show, not so much. If his mommy had done a better job picking and realized it was a PG movie not G so it was more age appropriate, it would have been better. He got on my lap and cuddled after the first scary part and just looked around at the others. Towards the end, he told me he was tired of the movie and wanted to go home. So, I did what any good mom would do...bribe him with candy after the movie if he let me stay to the end. For even more mommy points, I actually took him to the movies on the same day that we skipped going to church...but, in my own defense, the twins were slightly more than a tad whinny and fussy and it was bad enough I had to listen to it let alone subjecting everyone else in the "cry room" to it, even if it is the cry room. And, by going to the movie with Max, I got bonding time with the older kid and the sitter got to deal with the cranks (okay, just kidding, they were napping for more than half the time we were gone and I really did need the break).

The funny or not so funny thing about the sitter thing was that it wasn't until almost 2 hours after I called and ask if she could come an hour earlier than planned that I realized I didn't even have her scheduled to come at all that day. Then, had to call back to make sure that she did know I meant TODAY since 1) I had already bought the movie tickets online and 2) I had mentally prepared for time away for good behavior. Mental preparedness is key I have found.

Sometimes I am amazed what I can accomplish in any give day or hour. Other, I'm amazed at how little and how I can squander that same amount of time. I *should* be working right now or at least paying bills (and tax return is back so not actually having the money isn't an issue at the present moment), but...I don't wanna (typed with as much whine as possible).

Having a hard time "caring" about my job at the moment knowing the role is going away soon. It all seems like such a farse, like how important can the work be if it isn't important to actually pay to keep a person it it. Oh, I'll get done what needs to get done, but doesn't mean I have to actually feel like it.

Reminding myself

2009-05-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap. Stuffy nose, can't breath, blah, blah, blah. So tired I've just been wanting to curl up in bed all day, but alas work and chores and things to be done. And, a certain 3 year old is still not asleep an hour after bedtime. A few minutes ago he came out to tell me his toe hurt, then he had to go to the bathroom, then he needed to tell me he loved me, now he needs water...cold water. Anyway, just reminding myself that it really is all worth it and part of the package.

I've been waiting for this one to come home from school. Max made it for mothers day. It is a picture of me and says "I love my mom because she's beautiful. She gives me hugs and kisses."
Max making baby food, just like his momma. He got a bunch of kumquats at this party we went to and he had to bring a bunch home for his babies.
And, I know I'm biased and all, but I just can't help myself, as they are just so beautiful. I just look at them and am stunned that such beauty exists in my children.

Short lived

2009-05-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

My little burst of enrgy and happiness last night was short lived. Woke up this morning sick. N is now also sick. I was sure hoping that the rest of us would just pass on this bug R had and it was looking that way...until today. I figured too good to be true with the lack of sleep and all the slobber and such that goes on around here.

TMI

2009-05-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

Under the too much information category, I'm happy to report that I still have not had a menstral cycle since I've had the twins. I had that one way back in the beginning when either both twins were still in the hospital or R was home an N was still there and remember being really pissed off about it, but since then...nada. I feel hormone shifts every now and again, but so far...my old decreped non functioning ovaries have been resting. Almost makes all this pumping worth it. Not sure how long I'm going to go but at least the year mark. Probably until the ped tells me that they can move to whole milk. Since they are on solids now, unless they need a topper off before bed or wake at night, they are solely on breast milk at this point. Maybe the big can of formula we just openned from Costco will be the last I need to purchase. One can only hope. Less than 3 weeks until the year mark. My oh my.

Good for the soul

2009-05-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

I spent about 45 - 60 minutes gardening tonight after I put the kids to bed and it was wonderful. Granted, Max came out and joined me instead of falling asleep and helped and talked to me and chattered and chattered and I didn't want to stop so I let him get away with it and it was wonderful in spite of not being kid free. I love flowers and I love plants and I love digging in the dirt and I had flowers left over from the planing project in Max's school last week that I really needed to get in the ground before they died and I'm so happy that I did it tonight. I only worked in my front flower bed and planted a few live plants in the pots near my front door that I usually put fakes in during the summer months because it gets so hot they need to be watered every day and usually I can't commit to daily watering. I've got the bug now and want to do more. I have a sitter for Sunday afternoon/evening and was thinking I'd call some friends to see if they wanted to do a movie or dinner because I vowed after last weekend that I need to carve out some me time, but think I'll go buy flowers and plants instead. I feel joy and energy I haven't felt in awhile tonight. It's 8 pm and I'm not exhausted and crabby and dead to the world and I didn't really get any more sleep than usual last night. I'm plotting what flower bed I want to focus on next. It's going to be a win/win as I'm going to be doing a fair amount of entertaining this summer with a party for the twins in June, a party for Max in August and hosting at least one if not two SMC gatherings. Amazing how sometihng so small can be so good for the soul and the psyche.

Better Odds

2009-05-27T06:38:00.000-07:00

Last night my mom came to dinner and Noemi was still here until 5:30 pm and bedtime went much better. One person to give Max a bath while N played on the bathroom floor. One person to give R another breathing treatment. And, one person (not me!) to clean up the kitchen/dinner dishes and floor post dinner mess. I actually got to sit for about 15 minutes and play with babies between dinner and bath (where I also straighten and organized toys at the same time because I can't help myself...the nanny thinks clean is throwing all toys in one huge mess into the toy baskets...I think clean is putting all the shapes in the shape box, the fish back in the fish bowl, the books back on the table..so the kids learn they are supposed to go together and have fun taking them out and pulling them to the floor at the next opportunity). It was much better odds and much nicer all around.

Whine, Whine, Whine

2009-05-26T06:22:00.001-07:00

This weekend was long. In fact, other than seeing friends I haven't seen in too long, it sucked. I wish I enjoyed my time with the kids more, but honestly, I didn't. The lack of sleep is killing me. It wouldn't be so bad, but when I get woken around 2:30 - 3:30 am I don't get any more sleep. Sometimes, I get unrestful dozing and that's about it. I yelled too much. R was sick and whinny. Max had act out behaviors in part because I was tired and crabby and in part because I had friends over (one on Sunday and another on Monday) and so he had less of my attention which didn't thrill him. The slog of it can just be a bit much. With R sick and adding in breathing treatments, there is just not a minute to even sit and play and baby hold. While this is a cute stage for the babies, I feel like I don't get to enjoy much of it because there is stuff that has to get done. Just covering the basics eats into every spare minute. And, so here I sit glad that R and Max are still sleeping while N watches TV while I pump and talk to her on and off glad the weekend is over, feeling tired and crabby and the day hasn't even begun, but most of all feeling like a failure of a mother for not enjoying it more. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it back for my single and fansy free days. But, I just wish I had more quality time and could sit and enjoy more. I guess you could say the pumping, making baby food, cooking dinner are labers of love, but it sure would be nice if the majic house cleaning fairy would stop in and do the dishes, the high chairs, and the floor (not to mention fix baby jail, rehang the curtains that have been pulled off the windows, and clean up ever other disaster or mess that appears every two seconds). Blah, whine, whine, whine. I hope everyone else had a nice enjoyable happy weekend. Here, it was all just a bit too much.

Tinkerbell

2009-05-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Last week, I stopped and got taco's before picking Max up from school...or rather on the way home from a Costco run before picking him up from school. We don't eat much fast food and probably have had taco's less than 5 times. Max asked me if they were from Tinkerbell. Oh, yes, I did have to smile. When he is not being completely obnoxious and calling people butthead and poopy diaper and other such lovely names, he is actually quite pleasant and funny and a pleasure to be around. Since I can't be on him all the time and he gets such pleasure from using such language and thinks he is the funniest thing alive, I have drawn the line that he can't call "me" names and have been consistently enforcing it. We've gone to battle a few times over it, but I think it might be sinking in. I still need to read Siblings without Rivery but have decided to ignore any names he calls the twins right now because they don't understand him and he laughs when he does it and they laugh back eating up his attention so until they can complain, he can call them whatever he wants (within reason) as long as he is respectful to me. Anyway, we had Tinkerbell the other day. It was yummy.

Sleep Training

2009-05-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

It's funny how kids can be so different. I'd marvel at those who were able to do CIO after Max was born and as he grew. No way would that work for him. He just gets more and more and more upset until he can almost make himself sick. N is that way as well. She is actually my best sleeper and best self soother, but every now and again she can get herself riled up till no tomorrow. The other day she started crying about midway through my last pump of the day and, because I was tired and really didn't want to unhook and rehook, I just let her cry for about 10 minutes. Boy she got herself wound up. As an aside, I can't wait until she can sit herself up and gets moving a bit more because almost always it is a gas bubble stuck for her that she can't get out. Anyway, R is really the opposite of Max and N. he almost always needs to cry or moan or fuss a bit before falling asleep. If you go in, he will pop right up and be all happy and like...let's party, yeah!...and then will have to settle back down and then will again need to cry or moan or fuss a bit. I'm not sure it is really a CIO scenario in the truest sense, but you need to let him cry where as with Max and N trying that just leads to disaster. Just interesting observations.

In other sleep realated news, I'd love to move N and R to a once a day nap. I've done it a few times on the weekends for various reasons, but not regularily. Sadly, I don't think they are quite ready. But hopefully soon.

Often, I see parents walking around with a sleeping child in their arms. The other day a mom took a sleeping toddler out of her car seat and walked her older child into Preschool all while the toddler still slept. I see babies sleeping in strollers and out and about. These are not my children. I often wonder if it is a genetic type thing or if they just get regular and enough sleep during home naps and the night that they aren't tired enough. I just can't push it enough most of the time to see cause I think it would be too much of a disaster. These early years pass so quickly and I can just wait to do that out and about until they are older and don't need naps and hopefully avoid poor behavior as a result.

Anyway, the whole sleep issue is one that I have found most intersting as a parent and that often tends to be so contreversial amount parents and parenting styles. I keep meaning to pick back up Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and rescim some of it. I've promised myself I'll do that to brush up before trying to mess with the 2 a day to 1 a day naps.

Good News/Bad News - Edited

2009-05-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

The good news is that we (are not yet at least) spending the weekend in the hospital. The bad news is that Ray is sick with respiratory infection/croup and was having stridor (difficulty breathing) so we will be spending the weekend doing breathing treatments, oral steroids, and hopes it stays in control. And, we were on such a healthy streak.

Of course, I had to cancel the appointment with the plumber to dash off to the peds so still don't have a working kitchen sink. But that is a whole other story...a saga really.

R is still sleeping, but was up at 4 coughing a little, but sounding so much better. So, if we stay on top of the breathing treatments, (not to jinx myself) I think we will avoid the hospital this time. Glad we caught it early and I was able to get in yesterday. And, Max's day was made yesterday because the plumber was able to come and let him be the assistant. Ah, the simple joys in life. Sink is currently working and not leaking...for now. Not holding my breath it stays that way.

Life is funny like that

2009-05-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

One of the things I've been worrying a bit about is a Father's day celebration they are having next Friday at Max's preschool. I hadn't thought too much about it until they had the mothers day one last month and every single mom was there. I was worried that Max would feel left out and we are already dealing quite a bit with the daddy issue these days. I talked to the teachers a bit about it so they could be aware and I was glad I had because when they started a project (painting a rock) Max didn't want to participate because he didn't have a daddy, but they were able to offer up that all families were different and maybe he could make it for someone else. So, he made it for his Uncle Jim, who is also his God father. The teachers also put up a sign up to see how many of the dad's were going to make it. About 3/4's have signed up so far with a week to go. I had blocked my work schedule and had thought to take Max out for a special lunch with mom. I asked Max about it recently and he gave me this look like "are you crazy" and told me, no, he wanted to stay at school and play with all those dad's and it was fine he didn't have one he could just play with someone else dad. A good reminder to not project my own issues onto him and I was so glad I asked.

Another thing I have been a bit worried about and has kept me from much needed sleep is the work situation. There have been lots of changes and lots of layoffs and more are on the way. I've been thinking about how to play the situation, if it would matter one way or another, and what is important to me right now in a work situation. My cousin and her husband are going to be moving within about 3 hours (or less depending on traffic) and whether I wanted to try to move closer to where they are. I'm glad I had done the mental leg work. I found out today that my current position was going to be eliminated. The organization I have been supporting only since November when I came back from maternity leave was given two hours to decide whether they wanted me and how they can make it work. They did and offered up another name to "save me". It is a lot less responsibility and scope than what I have had in the last 7 - 10 years and I"m sure I'll be over paid for the position, but I'm actually really looking forward to the change and while many may look at it as a step down, I actually look at it as a good career move for the long run and perfect for now. It gives me a few more years before needing to make a big change which will get the twins to preschool, let's me still work at home, and saves my current pay. I had decided that if part of the deal was less money, I was not going to take it and that it was a sign to move on. As long as it was work in my area of expertise and passion, I'd be interested. Like I said, I was glad I had done the leg work so I knew what I would be okay with or not.

I was back in Max's classroom today for a planting project. It was a big mess, but I think everyone had a great time. They each made a pot of flowers to take home and picked another for the school to hang outside. One of the teachers was helping me carry stuff back out and thanked me for it and for all the projects this year and said that she had already told the other teachers who may get Max next year about how lucky they would be.

At about midnight last night, I took some tylenol PM to see if it could help shut off my mind so I could get some sleep. I haven't used that since well before the twins were born because I was afraid it would affect my milk supply. It didn't and I got about 4 hours which was more than I would have otherwise. I"m not sure if it's good or not to know that.

Anyway, just a snipped from half a day of my life. It is like a sprint every morning to the end. I'm looking forward to the long weekend even if it is a different kind of work.

Just pondering how funny life can be and happy things are working out the way they are.

An interesting read

2009-05-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

Saw this link on a fellow bloggers page and found it very interesting. It validated a lot of what I have heard and how I feel about the matter.

Donor conceived children speak about their feelings

http://www.dcnetwork.org/

Click on the pdf file in the left hand column

Video Rama

2009-05-15T19:05:00.000-07:00